This past year I have been learning about how to deal with fear, anger, and anxiety. I won't go into detail MUCH :). But it has been surprising. I have generally been a pretty happy and calm person. I haven't felt so calm. I have learned what it is to have debilitating fear. It's very strange the paths that life takes us down. I have never been a fearful person...actually I should say that I always had moments of fear but it didn't rule me...until this last year. Now I know the terror of it and the anxiety. It's incredibly stressful and maddening. With emotion I have generally just shoved them under the carpet and kept up a happy face (not always but for the most part). Can't do that with this. The facade has cracked. There's no getting around it other than to walk through it and pray like crazy. I've learned a great deal about how in my weakness my God is strong. How He has not given me a spirit of fear. You know what is interesting? I always thought that this Bible verse "God has not given me a spirit of fear..." ended with "but of power and love and a sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7 says, "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline."...there is a big difference between fearful and being timid) But Romans 8:15 says, " For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, 'Abba, Father'." That put a whole new spin on that thought. The first was more along the lines of "If I know that fear is not from God then I can overcome it". But that's not the case...trust me I've tried it. It has come down, for me, to a deep soul cry...no probably more like a keening or wailing, of "heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp". Like I watch my wee girls run to their daddy and just cuddle in and feel completely safe and know that their daddy will take care of everything. THEY know they can't fix whatever it wrong. But they know who can. How come my wee daughters are smarter than I?
But you know before I could run to God as a child runs to her father. I had to learn that He just adores me. That He WANTS to know about all these things. That He actually cares. I has the impression that I was just a pain in His backside. So I am learning that is not true. It still hasn't really sunk in. But we're getting there.
This particular journey is not over but at least I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. There is hope again. But even in my darkest moments...my God...my Father God was there with outstretched arms waiting for me to run to Him and cuddle in. I didn't do it many times and I caused myself a fair amount of trauma. But when I did it was amazing. I don't think that I have ever experienced that kind of love from a father figure...pure unadulterated adoring love. The kind that even the best of earthly fathers are not capable of giving. I am so thankful that I have a heavenly Father. I am so thankful that He is so patient with me.
And you know I am thankful for this lesson I am learning. I believe that this life is simple school for what is to come. I believe that God allows these things not to break me but to test me. 1 Peter 1:7 "These trials are only to test your faith, to show that it is strong and pure. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold--and your faith is far more precious to God than mere gold. So if your faith remains strong after being tried by fiery trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world"
This verse has taken new meaning to me this year. 2 Corinthians 12:9 "Each time He said, "My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me."
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