Tuesday, March 30, 2010

And then she...

Portia appeared downstairs waaaaay after bedtime a few nights ago. She said "Daddy!" in a breathy excited voice with a little bit of a giggle and a little bit of awe thrown in. "Daddy, Mercedes and I were playing that I was the mommy and she was the baby and that I was singing her to sleep and she was pretending to fall asleep...and then you know what Daddy? She actually fell right asleep!" I asked her if she covered her with a blanket and she said, "yes I did. She's all cozy Mommy."
Mercedes had fallen fast asleep under Portia's bed. I just had to sneak up and take a picture :)
My Portia...what a sweet sweet girl you are. How I love you and your sister. :)

Goodbye 32 and Hello 33!

Last week was my birthday! We had the privilege of going up to Whistler during the Paralympics and hanging out a bit with my cousin Ricci and finally meet her husband Danny...we even got to meet Danny's parents briefly. My mom came up. It was so nice to see her and just hang out a bit. We got to stay at the Westin in Whistler for 3 sleeps! It was SO refreshing and relaxing. We swam every day in the hotel pool. It was lovely.
About the 2ND day in I started to get all creative and energized and that's when I realized just how draining, exhausting, etc. the last little while had been...so stressful that I stopped the workout program that I had started earlier. The stress paralyzed me in a sense. It was interesting. I am not sure why I freeze when high stress occures...but it is something that I do every time and have just realized that I do it.
Anyway, in my renewed creativity and re-energization (is that a word?) I realized just how disappointed in myself...and really upset with myself I was. I had stopped moving towards a goal that was really important to me and the fall-out was astounding in my personal life. I wasn't as good of a mother, wife, friend...really person. That too was interesting to realize.
So for this year for my birthday I gave myself a goal...to live this next year moving towards the goal of getting healthy, fit, and more active.
I really don't like talking about this. It's embarrassing to me how far my weight has gone. I have withdrawn inside a bit and am not the person I was because I am not comfortable with my outward appearance. It's a struggle that has been going on for about 10 years now. It seems to take me that long to some to resolutions...10 years! I may be slow but once I reach that point...and you all know that point...I don't normally look back. I can't think of one time in my life that I have yet anyway. Why does it take me 10 ? Seriously! I can think of several really important things that have taken me 10 years of processing and learning and thinking to finally move on! Baffling.
Another 10 year epiphany I have come to has to do with relationships. Not gonna go into detail b/c the struggles I have been having with some people do not need to be flouted across the internet...but I have come to realize that I try to hard. That may sound like a complement to myself but it's NOT! It's not a desirable character trait in a person I have come to realize. Not everyone needs to be my best friend. We don't need to work EVERYTHING out with EVERY person. And my husband is right...letting a person not be a close friend or even a friend is OK! You know how it is, some people you just click with and it was meant to be. Some people you try for 10 years to make a friendship and it's like running on coals or having the flu or bursting an appendix...it just doesn't work and it hurts. So I'm not doing that anymore. :) I know...I'm slow. But hey! Eventually I learn. I am learning to guard my heart. Not getting cynical or anything...and still able to interact in a civilized manner with them...
I also see myself not draining all my energy on those not-to-be relationships and having more time for the healthy meant -to-be relationships. :) More room for the good things God has laid out before me. Since I have let those other relationships go God has brought about 30 PHENOMENAL people into my life and I actually have the energy for them :).
So...that is where I am at right now. I love getting older! I love learning and living and being. I am learning to be in the moment more and more instead of an observer of the moment. :) I'm lovin' it...even without big mac, fries, and a coke. ;-P
And by the way I have again started to work out and work towards the goals I have..for about a week now. Yay!

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

and then...the storm broke.

Since posting my last post on "rest" it has been anything but restful. In fact I would dare say we are in a bit of a crisis mode. I won't bore you with the details. Suffice it to say...if you think of it pray for us and for wisdom. It's nothing between Shaun and I or anything like that...so don't worry. It's just life.
I have been finding much comfort in the Bible. I was at my whit's end the other day and my Bible fell open to Psalm 37. What an amazing chapter! It just soothed my soul. A few lines stood out...
vs. 3 "Trust in the Lord and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper."
vs. 5 "Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you."
vs. 7 "Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act."
vs. 8 "Stop being angry! Turn from your rage! Do not lose your temper—it only leads to harm."
vs. 16 "It is better to be godly and have little than to be evil and rich."
vs. 23-26 "The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand. Once I was young, and now I am old. Yet I have never seen the godly abandoned or their children begging for bread. The godly always give generous loans to others, and their children are a blessing."
vs. 39, 40 "The Lord rescues the godly; he is their fortress in times of trouble. The Lord helps them, rescuing them from the wicked. He saves them, and they find shelter in him."

There are a lot of little jewels in that one chapter. I have been mulling over them still. The word of God cleanses my soul. It strains out the gunk (that is the professional term).