I'm going to try and articulate what it is I'm mulling around...and have been for years.
You see I always thought that I would be in ministry. By that I mean, my profession would have something to do with telling people about Jesus...for me I thought it would be through singing. I thought I would have a home base but I would travel all over the world singing about Jesus...I'm not talking about being famous...I'm just talking about going around singing. Everything in my childhood, teen years, college years...even my degree was geared towards that. That was the only thing that I was ever interested in or passionate about...telling people about Jesus through singing. It's the only thing that I was prepared for....honestly, even the day in and day out of kids I thought would be mostly looked after by someone else as I would be "in ministry" with my husband. I love different cultures. I'm somewhat gypsy and free spirited...ask anyone who knows me. I thrive meeting new people in their culture.
Fast forward 15 or 20 years...I live in Canada...so a foreign country from my birth. I am a co-business owner of a renovation company and a stay-at-home mom. I do bookkeeping for my "job". I am no one in a land where who you are, who you know, and who your parents are matter. I pretty much live in the arena of my incompetence every second of every day.
And I must tell you that when people come and speak at church as missionaries or traveling musicians and say "go...be willing to go wherever God calls you!" (and that always means,to me, overseas) inside I am always screaming "YEAH! I WANT TOO! LET'S GO!". I also see myself at, as of this month of March, 35 years old. I feel old...for being that traveling singer. I have felt like that dream has passed me by and it's simply too late. Not only have I rarely sung in my adult life, other than at home, I've also rarely traveled since college.
All that used to really wear on my. It used to make me really sad. I used to get angry. I used to think that perhaps I had made a mistake and wasn't were I was supposed to be. I used to really wonder what all of that preparation was for (well perhaps I still wonder that). It just wasn't happening...no matter how much I prayed. I watched friends start to do just what I thought I would be doing...many friends over and over again. Not me though. Never me. Exceptionally frustrating and confusing.
But...then I started to notice a common theme in the people of God. I started to notice the same story being told. I started to notice that when you sit down and talk to someone who is faithfully walking with God you will most likely hear them say, "I NEVER thought I'd be doing this! I never wanted to be this. I thought I was going to be a _______"
Once I saw the repetition of this theme over and over ad nauseum, then I started to pray differently. I started to pray that God would show me (even if I was where I was by a force of my will and not God's) what He was teaching me and how He was shaping me. I started praying that He would lead me and use me how He wanted to lead me not how I thought I was to go. I started praying that each day I would meet those divine appointments that He created me to meet. After all, I am in a foreign country...and I am meeting new people in their culture. I started to pray that this business that He has put before me, that He would teach me how to be a business owner to His glory and honour. I started praying that in the day to day of motherhood He would be present with me and show me how to do it every step of the way. I started praying that our marriage would be used to draw others to Him. I am praying that my life, all of my being, would be one that points to Him. I am praying that I would remember exactly whose daughter I am...His and that means that no matter where I live I am known and loved by Him.
And you know what...it no longer grates on my that my identity is not that of singer. You know why? Because I have a different identity now...I am a warrior princess on a mission. He has graciously been answering each one of my prayers...most of those prayers are lifetime prayers but I am seeing baby-steps. I am seeing His favour on me. And He did lead me all those years and He continues to gently lead me still. I am where I'm supposed to be. He has a purpose and a plan for me. I am starting to see it take shape and I am excited.
I am so fulfilled, I have so much joy. I am so thankful. God has blessed me with such richness. I look around me each day and see His hand especially right here in my own home. I see His generosity in the love I see shining from my husband's eyes and my children's laughter.
When a missionary or traveling musician comes and says those things...I still feel that pull. But right now God has me on a different path...He has me on a very rooted path and I am enjoying it for the first time in my life.
Two verses that have really stuck to me over the years are 2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.and Psalms 37:23,24 (although all of Psalm 37 is excellent!)
The LORD makes firm the steps of the one who delights in him; though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the LORD upholds him with his hand.
It's true and I love truth.