Friday, July 25, 2008

A wave tossed on the ocean

A friend from high school died suddenly on Saturday while playing basketball at a charity event with his brothers. He was 31 years old. I hadn't spoken to him in years just by virtue of life. But the impact he had on my life will not fade. I was reminded that we are here for such a fleeting time. We are not promised tomorrow. Time is precious...And then when it is gone we stand before our Creator God and give and account of that time and how it was spent.

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth

Would care to know my name

Would care to feel my hurt

Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star

Would choose to light the way

For my ever wandering heart
Not because of who I am

But because of what You've done

Not because of what I've done

But because of who You're


I am a flower quickly fading

Here today and gone tomorrow

A wave tossed in the ocean

A vapor in the wind

Still You hear me when I'm calling

Lord, You catch me when I'm falling

And You've told me who I am

I am Yours, I am Yours

Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin

Would look on me with love and watch me rise again

Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea

Would call out through the rain

And calm the storm in me
I am Yours

Whom shall I fear

Whom shall I fear

'Cause I am Yours

I am Yours

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Health Update and other things...

I went to the Naturopath after having gone the traditional route of doctor seeing a few doctors. They had taken tests and said I was fine. But I wasn't. I knew I wasn't. I knew because I had no energy. I knew because I was overwhelmed. I knew because I was grumpy and sharp. And all those things just aren't me. Perhaps they are momentary feelings but not lasting attitudes. It's been quite a journey. This went on since I was pregnant with Miss Mercedes and started having terrible gall stone attacks...ones where I would be writhing on the floor for about 45 minutes in so much pain there was nothing else to do. They left me very weak for hours after an attack. It was terrible. I became VERY afraid of my body because you never knew when one would strike. You see those attacks happen when a stone blocks the bile duct. You just never know when a stone will move. Then I had my gallbladder out and and the surgeon assured me that everything would return to normal. They didn't! There came other physical symptoms that left me to the point of being basically a shut-in. Not a complete shut-in mind you because by this point I now had 2 small children who were bursting at the seams with so much life and energy. Nobody knew, except Shaun, the things I was going through not because I was trying to be secretive but because I was simply trying to make it through each day and not analysing anything...just trying to survive. I didn't have the luxury of figuring out how to talk about it with people. I didn't feel well enough. Good health is a luxury. It allows one to do so many things. And I simply didn't have it. I didn't know what was wrong. I wasn't given any solutions from doctors. So I simply put my head down and purposed to make it through...well sometimes it was purposing to make it through the next minute or hour. And no I am not being dramatic. That's the truth of it.
Anyway, there are many other things that I went through due to physical issues that resulted in deep anxiety and fear...and deep anger. I had never dealt with these before. I was never an angry person. I pretty much took life as it came. I was never a fear full (no that is not a typo) person either. Fear had never ruled me. I always figured God would take care of me. And He did and does. But now I was ruled by anxiety and fear and anger. Poor Shaun the things he endured and with such grace...and my children. Rare was a smile and laughter without force.

It got to the point where internally and externally I really couldn't recognize myself. Externally I had put on so much weight no matter what I did. Internally I was such a different at war person. Really life brings you down paths you cannot possibly guess at. All this time although I was in extreme turmoil I was praying and God was using this to teach me many things. I really didn't know where to turn for the physical matters...but I did know where to turn for my internal matters. I knew to turn to God. I clung to him like a person drowning clings to a lifesaver. Because I found that if I kept my thoughts on Bible passages I had read or songs I had listened to that talked about Him that I would be relatively calm. The second I started focusing on all my issues I started drowning. I didn't always succeed on keeping my eyes on Him but when I did I noticed a marked difference in my internal world. A peace beyond understanding.

So about 6 weeks ago I finally was able to go to a Naturopath. And after doing some tests on me he turned to me and told me that he had a scale for rating how a person's health was. 1-3 was really healthy. 19-21 was someone dying of cancer. I was a 17. He said if I had come in 6 months later he didn't know what my story would have been. He said he was quite shocked that my health was that poor b/c after spending an hour and a half talking to me you would never guess it. He told me that my liver had not been working much nor has my colon. I thought the liver cleansed your body but he informed that the liver performs about 500 functions and when it doesn't work one is screwed, as it were. So he put me on a rigorous schedule of pills. And I am not allowed any mint or coffee. I didn't realize how much mint I used.

I went back last week and asked him about my weight. He said the reason that I have gained weight did not have to do with overeating in my case. It had to do with my liver not functioning properly. All the toxins that my body encountered were stored. So as my body starts working properly the weight issues will go away. And I am happy to report that I am starting to get energy back...that very necessary component to being a mother with small children. I have a different outlook on life. I am laughing again. I am writing songs again. I am so very thankful. The Naturopath doctor said it will take about a year to get things up to par.

So I wasn't going insane like I felt some days. I am not a hypochondriac as I sometimes wondered. I do have a God who loves me and cares about every detail of my life. I have a wonderful husband who loves me.

And this is life...we're not promised ease. We're promised that He will walk with us. And it is so.

Thursday, July 17, 2008


Well I was looking through my blog and realized the last thing we said was that we were NOT moving. Well...I should just wait to post these things until God has His finally say I guess. We are moving at the end of August. The original post from April 16, 2008 is the most accurate description with a few changes. I won't opening a music studio just yet. And we cannot breed Keiko. Other than that things are going to proceed as planned. :)
I ran across a verse today that I had never seen. I thought I would share it with you :)
Isaiah 46:3b, 4
"I have cared for you since you were born. Yes, I carried you before you were born.
I will be your God throughout your lifetime—until your hair is white with age.
I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you."