Sunday, November 28, 2010

I Wish You Could See My Life

Sometimes I wish that I could take all of you into my home for awhile and let you see how my life goes...not just for an hour or two or a day or a week but a month straight. And then maybe I could come live in your home and then see how your life goes. I've been looking at my life lately. I have a good life. In fact from the outside looking in it looks pretty much wonderful...and it is! But there are still days and weeks that are very hard...this last week, for example, was hard. The girls had the flu and were throwing up from Saturday until Thursday. They kind of tag teamed it. I didn't sleep for 5 nights...that's 40 hours of sleep I missed, and as you moms know, you don't get that back. By the end of that I was exhausted...and therefore HATING life. Well more like I felt life and everyone in it hated me. I got really dark and sad and depressed and mad. That is not a fun place to be.
My mom arrived on Wednesday and on Thursday she gave me an afternoon off and you know what I did? I didn't go anywhere. I closed the door in my room and just relished the fact that I didn't have to do anything nor did anyone need me right the girls came in about every 20 minutes and wanted something but I didn't have to figure it out. I just sent them back to Grandma.
So while I was locked in my room I first of all slept, mostly uninterrupted, for 2 hours. Then I journaled. I have this journal that says "No one read don't want to know". It's all the jumble in my head...the stuff that clouds up my brain and makes me think that life sucks. Well this time instead of writing I took some time to read through that journal that I've written in for 3 years when things get way beyond me. And you know what I discovered? I write pretty much the same exact thing EVERY TIME. EVERY TIME!!! I was perturbed. How is it in 3 years I have the same exact things that rock my world...and not in a good way? ...when, once I get out of my funk I realize that these pesky little lies, that I allow myself to believe, are simply not true. But I let them wreck my day or my week or my time with my husband and my kids. That is the saddest part. I can't get that time back. Time is so fleeting. It can all be gone in a blink...we are not guaranteed tomorrow. It would appear, at this point in my life, I choose to hold on to those silly things and allow them to ruin my day. But we (God and I) are working on that.
I wish you could see my life...and see just how beautiful it is and what a blessed woman I am...not because it's perfect...but because it's life.