My arena of incompetence

So you know that verse that I ended my last posting with 2 Corinthians 12:9 that says "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." Here's another instance in my life where this is true.

About a month ago I came to a point were I was feeling very trapped. I was angry. I didn't know how to do better. I was trying my best and failing miserably. The area I am talking about is motherhood. Now that is not easy for me to say. All growing up people would always tell me that I would be an amazing mother. And I had come to believe that would be the case. I thought I would just LOVE being a stay at home mom. I thought I would cherish EVERY moment of my children's lives (stop rolling on the floor laughing all you moms out there...). I also thought it was terrible when other moms (before I was a mom in this particular part of the journey where I've learned my kids CAN do wrong...WHAT?) would say exactly what I'm about to say. I judged them so harshly. So basically myself came back to bite me in the butt. Anyway, it all came to a bit of a little crisis about a month or so ago. It had been coming for awhile but I had finally had enough with me and my ways. I was SO angry with myself for being a miserable failure of a mother...but I also did not know how to change the situation. This was not a job I could quit. There was no way out. But something had to change. Now I wasn't terrible to my children but I was not wonderful either. I was not internally at peace and content. I knew that I had the possibility of being a much better mother. And mediocrity in not acceptable to me. I have worked SO hard to be the best mother I could be and was FAILING miserably...MISERABLY!

Now over the last 2 years I have been learning through several different sources (all leading back to the Bible) that as a Christian...as a child of God...how He layed out life for me is to not rely on myself and my witts, wisdom, and strength to do life. Because really we all know that our witt, wisdom, and strength is quite lacking. It gets us into so much trouble and pain. Especially compared to the God of the universe who we'll never plumb the depths of even through all eternity. So baby step by baby step I have been learning to walk life in this manner. Two years ago I also asked God to clean out the basement of my soul. And He is graciously doing that. So I think this was one of the darkest corners...I did not want to admit that I needed help. But I also could not go on like this. I found myself resenting my precious girls. I found myself hiding a lot behind busyness and being on the computer just to get away. And in the mean time I was missing my children and losing precious time with them that could not be regained. And I was miserable. And I was angry.

So one day I was keening in my soul AGAIN. I did much praying and soul searching. And finally one day God spoke to me as clear as Shaun standing next to me. He said this, "You are a very competent person in all areas of your life...well you think you are and you appear to be. But in this one area there is no possibility that you can fake it 'til you make it. If you continue you WILL indeed fail miserably." I knew what He was telling me. I had to cry "Abba Father". He knew that in this area I would push so hard because I could not fail my children. But He knew I would and He knew I would eventually come running to Him. This is my arena of incompetence.

Once I really listened it was a turning point for me. Nothing has changed in the physical world. In fact Shaun is out of town this week and I am doing the whole single parent thing. But I am enjoying these precious gifts God gave me for such a short time. We are having a blast. God has given me grace (which means joy). I am thankful. His yoke IS easy and His burden is light. But mine is heavy and overwhelming. Hmmm which will I choose?