What am I filling up on?

When the girls were babies I would make up songs to verses of scripture and I would teach it to them when I tucked them in at bedtime. We have also been very careful about what they see and hear as far as TV shows, movies, and music...especially music.  We are also very careful about what our eyes and ears hear and see too...not just the girls.  Shaun and I are both very aware of those little lies that Satan whispers in our ears that can either be deflected and fall dead to the ground with God's words OR can be planted into our souls and take root and destroy us.  
Actually this whole idea is a massive topic.  But after reading a friend's blog today I have been pondering one part of it...the hiding God's word in my heart part.  You know there's only so much room in my heart.  When I fill it up with music that has words that don't edify Him or me, garbage movies, garbage TV shows (don't get me wrong here, I love watching shows the same as the next girl and all shows and movies aren't bad...but there are those things that I don't need to fill my mind with...remember, this is a big topic...trying to narrow it down to the part I was thinking about ;), etc. I don't have room in my heart to think about God.  I don't have room to ponder His words.  I don't have room because I'm all full...on junk food.  
Shaun and I have been changing our family's eating habits.  We have also been changing our family's spiritual eating habits...so to speak.  While we have been going for the nutritiously dense foods and pretty much taking junk food out of our body's diet...we have also been taking out the junk food of our spiritual diet more and more.  We have been turning off the TV...just that one thing...frees up SO MUCH mental space.  What's been the most interesting thing about that is...the girls rarely watch a show now...on their own initiative. In fact, over spring break they informed me "We used to watch a lot of shows, Mom.  But now we prefer to play." And it's true!  I see their creativity shining through.  They get along better.  Their thought patterns are clearer. Their curiosity is alive and vibrant...and that's just the girls.  Shaun and I have noticed that when we read our Bible, we're able to take it in.  It's not just one more input into our overtaxed brains.  We think about God's word. We ponder it.  It is changing us.  We talk more. We get more done. We have more time for the things that refresh and fill our souls.  For us we have to be pretty disciplined to keep it that way because our default mode, at the end of the day, is to flop on the couch and turn on the TV because we are so tired.  We are always so much better off when we go about our life this way, though that the being disciplined part isn't hard.  
Let me give you an example of TV taking up our mental space.  Shaun and I watched 2 seasons of Downton Abbey a few months back every evening until we were done.  Great show, by the way! But we found ourselves (bot of us) dreaming (literally) about Downton Abbey, talking about Downton Abbey, perseverating about Downton Abbey! It's a TV show for crying out loud...not real people! But it felt real to us.  We were completely obsessed!  about a TV show.  I think you get the point.  If we had put 1/2 that amount of thought and energy into something that really mattered...
So after de-cluttering our hearts we are also starting to notice that memorizing God's word is a breeze. It stays in our hearts. His words are powerful. When Satan is up to his old tricks His words rise to the surface and deflect.  They protect us.  They inspire us.  They calm us.  
Shaun does the tucking in now and every once in awhile I'll peek in, undetected, and see his snuggled in with the girls saying the current chapter of the Bible that they are working on.  We've been at it now for about 3 years and they have 4 or 5 chapters memorized. 
A few months back Papa was over for a visit and tucked Mercedes in...Shaun peeked in on them and Mercedes had her Bible out and was going through all the chapters she has memorized and was explaining them to Papa.  *tears*.  Often, if we peek in on her after she's been tucked in, she'll be reading her Bible.  It's awesome! 
Portia, from time to time, is scared in the night.  Over the years she would come into our room quite beside herself with fear and would crawl into bed with us.  So we started teaching her verses about fear and that it's not from God. We started teaching her that she has a weapon against those little (or big) whispers from Satan...the word of God. About 6 months ago she got it!  In the night she would start to pray and quote those verses.  One morning she said to me "Mommy, I was afraid last night and then I prayed to Jesus and said those verses and I wasn't afraid anymore."  Massive massive deal in our house! Our wee daughter, at 6, is learning to fight her enemy. She's learning warfare...and winning because she has the God of the angel armies, the King of kings and the the Lord of lords, on her side.  
Just thinking about all of this makes me want to do the happy dance. What a difference.  Yes, life still has its moments...but we have HOPE! We know those are just moments that will pass. We have hope. I don't know about you, but I need hope.  I can't live without it. The good thing is...I don't have too. 
These verses stuck out to me today from my friend's blog posting

"The Lord's unfailing love surrounds the man (or woman!) who trusts in him." (Ps.32:10) 

"But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear Him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love." (Ps.33:18) 

Little Miss P lost her first tooth.

It finally happened! Portia lost her first tooth. She has been waiting for a few years now for this to happen (since Miss M lost her first tooth).  Her adult tooth pushed it out, finally.  She lost it in class :).  She got a little poem and got to show it off to all of her classmates.  She was so proud!

This morning Shaun woke up and heard little mournful sobs coming from her room. He went in to see what was the matter.  She couldn't find her coin that the tooth fairy had left.  She had found it in the night and woken up a few times to make sure it was there...and now it was gone.  Shaun spent about a 1/2 hour looking for said coin.   Her whole room was torn apart, mattresses moved and all.  He even tried to invoke the right of a parent to replace a coin if the tooth fairy's coin was lost...nope...she needed to find that original coin.  How did she know which coin?  Well the tooth fairy's coin was super shiny! So Shaun kept looking. I joined in on the search once I heard of it.  Nada.  It wasn't anywhere!
Little Miss P was quite sad but we convinced her to continue getting ready for her day and perhaps it would show up.  About 2 minutes later we hear a little giggle and then pitter-patter of little feet as she rushed to us, "I found my coin! It was in my underwear!"  Ummmm how did it get there?  "I don't know!"  She must have put it there for safe keeping.  And it was very safe...so safe it couldn't be found...until it was :).
and that is the story of Little Miss P and how she lost her first tooth on February 28, 2012. 

Purpose on the Journey to Home

I'm going to try and articulate what it is I'm mulling around...and have been for years.
You see I always thought that I would be in ministry.  By that I mean, my profession would have something to do with telling people about Jesus...for me I thought it would be through singing.  I thought I would have a home base but I would travel all over the world singing about Jesus...I'm not talking about being famous...I'm just talking about going around singing.  Everything in my childhood, teen years, college years...even my degree was geared towards that. That was the only thing that I was ever interested in or passionate about...telling people about Jesus through singing. It's the only thing that I was prepared for....honestly, even the day in and day out of kids I thought would be mostly looked after by someone else as I would be "in ministry" with my husband. I love different cultures. I'm somewhat gypsy and free spirited...ask anyone who knows me.   I thrive meeting new people in their culture.
Fast forward 15 or 20 years...I live in Canada...so a foreign country from my birth.  I am a co-business owner of a renovation company and a stay-at-home mom. I do bookkeeping for my "job".  I am no one in a land where who you are, who you know, and who your parents are matter.  I pretty much live in the arena of my incompetence every second of every day.
And I must tell you that when people come and speak at church as missionaries or traveling musicians and say "go...be willing to go wherever God calls you!" (and that always means,to me, overseas) inside I am always screaming "YEAH! I WANT TOO! LET'S GO!". I also see myself at, as of this month of March, 35 years old. I feel old...for being that traveling singer.  I have felt like that dream has passed me by and it's simply too late. Not only have I rarely sung in my adult life, other than at home, I've also rarely traveled since college.
All that used to really wear on my. It used to make me really sad. I used to get angry. I used to think that perhaps I had made a mistake and wasn't were I was supposed to be.  I used to really wonder what all of that preparation was for (well perhaps I still wonder that). It just wasn't happening...no matter how much I prayed.  I watched friends start to do just what I thought I would be doing...many friends over and over again.  Not me though.  Never me.  Exceptionally frustrating and confusing.
But...then I started to notice a common theme in the people of God.  I started to notice the same story being told.  I started to notice that when you sit down and talk to someone who is faithfully walking with God you will most likely hear them say, "I NEVER thought I'd be doing this! I never wanted to be this. I thought I was going to be a _______"
Once I saw the repetition of this theme over and over ad nauseum, then I started to pray differently.  I started to pray that God would show me (even if I was where I was by a force of my will and not God's) what He was teaching me and how He was shaping me. I started praying that He would lead me and use me how He wanted to lead me not how I thought I was to go.  I started praying that each day I would meet those divine appointments that He created me to meet.  After all, I am in a foreign country...and I am meeting new people in their culture.  I started to pray that this business that He has put before me, that He would teach me how to be a business owner to His glory and honour.  I started praying that in the day to day of motherhood He would be present with me and show me how to do it every step of the way. I started praying that our marriage would be used to draw others to Him.  I am praying that my life, all of my being, would be one that points to Him.  I am praying that I would remember exactly whose daughter I am...His and that means that no matter where I live I am known and loved by Him.
And you know what...it no longer grates on my that my identity is not that of singer. You know why?  Because I have a different identity now...I am a warrior princess on a mission.  He has graciously been answering each one of my prayers...most of those prayers are lifetime prayers but I am seeing baby-steps. I am seeing His favour on me.  And He did lead me all those years and He continues to gently lead me still.   I am where I'm supposed to be.  He has a purpose and a plan for me.  I am starting to see it take shape and I am excited.
I am so fulfilled, I have so much joy. I am so thankful.  God has blessed me with such richness. I look around me each day and see His hand especially right here in my own home. I see His generosity in the love I see shining from my husband's eyes and my children's laughter.
When a missionary or traveling musician comes and says those things...I still feel that pull.  But right now God has me on a different path...He has me on a very rooted  path and I am enjoying it for the first time in my life.
Two verses that have really stuck to me over the years are 2 Corinthians 12:9

 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

and Psalms 37:23,24 (although all of Psalm 37 is excellent!) 

The LORD makes firm the steps    of the one who delights in him; though he may stumble, he will not fall,    for the LORD upholds him with his hand.

It's true and I love truth. 

Sometimes

Sometimes I'm quiet.  Well...often I'm quiet.  I don't need to talk all the time. I don't want to talk all the time. I think I have less words to say to fill my daily quota than most females.  I often get asked if something is wrong when I'm not talking much.  No. I'm just enjoying the softness of quietness.
Lately I've been more quiet. I've been mulling over many things deep within my soul.  I've been putting down my phone, going off the computer, not watching as many movies, been off of Facebook for a time.  I've been reading more in my downtime, journaling, thinking, singing, praying, and observing...the quieter things that I don't do when I'm filling my life up with static and noise.  They all have their place mind you...but sometimes I just need to unplug. It's my way of stopping to smell the proverbial roses and quiet my soul. It's a very soothing exercise...and I can actually hear God's voice better and with less confusion.
Shaun is noise personified. Portia is noise personified.  My mom is close to noise personified :). They don't need quietness and solitude like I do.  It fascinates me. I love how we are all so different and how different things fill our souls.  Sometimes M and I will be home by ourselves or in the car just the two of us and we'll revel in the quietness. We'll just look at each other and smile.  No need for words.  Not to say we don't enjoy our noisy ones.  It's just that we don't need to fill in the space with more...they do an excellent job and we are content to let them.  And it's also not to say that we can't be quite noisy and exuberant ourselves...just not all the time.
So if you come upon me and I'm quiet...I'm not mad at you...I'm likely very comfortable with you. I'm not depressed...I'm enjoying myself. I'm not upset...I'm content. I'm just being myself. :)

15 Years Ago

15 years ago this last Valentine's Day Shaun told me he loved me for the first time.  I love looking back over the last 15 years. I love seeing the path that we have blazed together.  I love seeing the hills,valleys, and mountain tops we've traversed together.  I love seeing God in it all.  And I love him a whole lot more because of it.

Last night I was chatting with someone.  She just got married 6 months ago.  She was commenting that yes her and her husband are still all lovey dovey and crazy about each other...it made me stop and think...so are we!  After 16 years of knowing each other,13 1/2 years of marriage and almost years of being parents together we're more crazy about each other with each passing year.  

Can I just brag about my husband to you?  Just for a minute?  

I don't think I know a more amazing man.  I am proud to be his wife.  His love for God, me , the girls, family, friends, and those he meets is out of this world.  His passion for God grows with each passing year and is the single greatest gift that I have ever been given.  His insight into people knocks my socks off.  He works hard.  He asks for forgiveness and forgives quickly.  His musical abilities astound me. In fact yesterday he was sitting playing his acoustic guitar just making up a song as he went (as he often does) and it just soothed my soul.  I laughed out loud because I had this sudden thought "what if I had married someone who thought they had musical abilities but really didn't and they played all the time and it was horrible!" WOW! I am blessed! God knew that would have sent me right into the loony bin tout suite! He creates the most beautiful songs! There's so much more I could say...I really could go on and on and gush about him :).
I look forward to the continued path...wherever it may lead.  

Sweetheart

As I have mentioned before we love our girls.  They are gifts to us each second of each day.  I wanted to update you on my darling Miss M.
What an amazing girl! I love the sweetness that emanates from her, the gentleness, the thoughtfulness, and the kindness, and patience. I also love her strength of will and spirit.  Neither of our girls are push-over.  Her strength of will is so very different than her sister's.  She is much quieter and more subtle in how she goes about things but it's there none the less.  Her mind sees a problem, and where others may see a confusing maze, she sees a path to get there and she does what needs to be done.  Her sense of humor is sharp and always intact. She is very good at spacial organization.  She has a great vocabulary.  She is an amazing reader! My goodness! Shaun and I often observe her reading her Bible after we've tucked her in for the night.  Nothing gives us greater joy than to see our children learning His ways.
Both of the girls' classes, this year, are full of fantastic kids.  They both has been given the gift of some phenomenal friends. Their teachers are perfect for them! We are so very thankful.
There is something else we see in both of the girls that is a massive gift to us...it's their love for each other.  They enjoy each other. They play well together...no I'm not saying there are never moments when I want to tear my hair out one at a time because I'm so aggravated by their arguing, but I am saying that they quickly come around and choose to get along when reminded.  We, as adults, all know, that for the most part "getting along" with someone is a choice each and every day.  They generally choose that. In moments of crisis (not only massive crisis but also "girl"crisis) their love for each other is plainly evident.  They are kind and sweet to each other and they deeply love each other.  It distresses them to see the other in pain or worried or bothered.  Their sisterhood is deep.  I love them more for it.  
The other day Miss M was on a field trip the whole school day, straight after school she went to a birthday party for a few hours, then she came home for about 45 minutes and then went to her girls club until 8:30.  I didn't really see her all day!  It was weird.  And it made me realize she is growing up!  There will come a day not too far away when that is more the norm than not and then there will come another day not too long after that when it will be the norm!  It made me extremely happy and extremely sad all at the same time. I love seeing the girls growing and changing inside and out...but I also miss their little baby hands. :).  It's a parents unending conundrum isn't it.  

Lately

I never published these back in the Fall...thought I'd do it now :)