A topic I despise talking about...

Well this is embarrassing...I don't like talking about this...I don't want to but I also want to keep track of the journey that I am walking on this particular topic...the topic is me being overweight. There I said it. I have been on quite a journey already on this topic since 2000.
I was never an over weight child or teen. I learned how to eat properly...my mom is a health nut. I was always in sports and very active and really enjoyed it. I didn't have a health issue that prevented me from being fit. No one else on either side of my family is overweight. They all, in fact, are more in the category of work-out fiends. None of Shaun's family is overweight either. I am not a lazy undisciplined person. The thing that I do best is sing...being on a stage it's not really acceptable to be overweight. That thought alone should have kept me trim. Never mind all the health reasons. So what is it? I have gone beyond "fluffy" to the category of "fat".
It will be awhile longer to be done with this and have learned what I need to learn. There are things I won't mention because it's not necessary...no one besides God and Shaun will know the whole story. But there are many things that I will talk about that I have learned so far. That's my disclaimer :).
So here is what I have figured out so far (leaving a few details out :):
1) I am a descent enough looking person...I found guys would want to "get to know me" because of my looks more than the inner me...I know this may sound lame but it's true...and I really hated it and I also found it rather boring. On the flip side girls were more intimidated by me initially. Some never got over that barrier. Being overweight I have found that people are much friendlier from the get go. And some people think themselves vastly superior to you because they are thin. It's very interesting to watch human dynamics. It really is culturally unacceptable to be overweight but yet people like you better because they feel better about themselves.
2) Subconsciously I tested Shaun with it...are you still gonna love me? Are you still gonna love me even if I am fat? And the answer is "YES"...this has never been an issue for Shaun. He is amazing...now you know another way that he is amazing. He never has pressured me or made me feel less loved because of it.
3) It was a subconscious test for my mom as well. Are you still gonna love me even if I'm fat? The answer is yes she does still love me.
4) I didn't ever do anything really bad. Both of my parents were pretty amazing rebels in their younger years. I seem to have swung the other way because I saw the price they had to pay for it and in some instances the price I had to pay b/c of their rebellion. But for me I think this has been my version of rebellion. It was the attitude "I'm gonna do whatever I dam well want to with my body so screw off!" Attractive isn't it! NOT! And who does it hurt? Oh...ME!
5) One day I was standing in front of the fridge with the door open just peering into it and I realized that I run to food for comfort. I had honestly thought, up to that point, that I didn't do that.
6) Shaun and I haven't had much money in our marriage for various reasons (we are just coming out of that "phase"...it only took 10 YEARS!) so the treats for us weren't trips or shopping but little food items. It was the cheapest thing.
7) I've been hiding...this is the most recent discovery. I've been hiding! I'm still shocked by that. It seems to be how I coped with the hard things that life threw at me. Moving to a new country. Not being "anyone"...not coming from anywhere in this country...a stranger in a strange land (yes Canada IS a strange land if you're not from here even if you're from the next country over)...I totally get what that means now. Not knowing a soul when I came...marrying into a family that really didn't seem to want me (by the by, for the most part, that is not the case anymore...after years of hard work on all sides, there is a deep love there and a real sense of "family-ness"...I sure am using a lot of parenthesis HA!), moving so often (we've moved 16 times thus far), my mom and step-dad's divorce, 2 miscarriages, family issues, a sickness that took every ounce of energy out of me in addition to being pregnant, nursing, and running after 2 little kids...some real issues...but on the other hand nothing that is not overcome able and nothing that is bigger than anyone else faces in life. That's JUST LIFE...issues. I chose (subconsciously) to deal with all of it by hiding behind all this weight. I realize that I am not to clear on this one point but I am still mulling it through.
8) Fear of failing. This will sound crazy...I do realize that! I determined between my pregnancies NOT to lose weight. This was a conscience thought out thought...I didn't say it was logical. :). I have also NOT talked about my weight ever. I wouldn't tell people if I was planning on working on it. I didn't want to face them if I didn't do it...which it ended up I didn't...self-fulfilling prophecy?
9) OK here is the silliest one...the fear of what I would look like if I lost weight...under the clothes...have had 2 kids and nursed...well you get the idea...no need to expound on that one...we've all seen Oprah!
10) I didn't want to talk about it in front of my children because I didn't even want them being aware of these things at such a young age...especially being girls.

So...about 3 or 4 weeks ago Shaun and I decided to start Weight Watchers. Shaun has added a few pounds in the last 10 years as well :) (...which went a long way in comforting me in my over-weightness). So Shaun has lost 13 lbs. and I have lost 3! *sigh* that's all I have to say *sigh*. We've done the same exact thing and he has lost 13 POUNDS!
We keep a journal of the food we eat and WW is done by counting points. So every food has a point value. You get a certain amount of points per day. So we have been keeping track of points. :). This is where I have found myself REALLY funny. I have also been really surprised by myself. These last 2 weeks I have done TERRIBLY! I mean TERRIBLY TERRIBLY! It all started with my birthday and never ended. And this is what I found funny...when I thought I had gone over my points I wouldn't write in my journal. I wouldn't write down my points. Like by doing that it would go away. I would avoid it. Never thought I was an avoider...I've come to find that is not the case.
So this is where I am at now. I have no idea how to keep going and how to succeed at it. But I will do it. Really up to this point it's been a lot of excuses. This is something I need to do. Being overweight has cost me. I'm tired of paying the price health-wise and embarrassment wise. There is a huge embarrassment factor for me. It's not who I am and it vastly misrepresents me. So when I see people I haven't seen for a coons age or meet someone new I just want to shout "this isn't me...this is someone I've been hiding behind".
Anyway, I always see people put stuff up when they have conquered this but not much up when they're in the thick of it. So this is the particular dragon I am trying to slay at this moment. And this is what it's like for me :).