"Morning Pages"

Lately I have been trying something out again. When I was younger I would keep a notepad by my bedside with a pen and at night when my mind would be buzzing I would jot the thoughts down that were flying through my head. I found that it allowed my brain to slow down, take the anxiety out of my head, and allowed me to drift off to sleep. For some reason I stopped doing this when I got married. I journaled every once in awhile but always with the thought that "someone might read this" so I didn't really write down my deepest thoughts for fear of hurting someone or of my thoughts not being safe with them. I have found that I am much more anxious and agitated and wasn't certain why.

This past weekend I was reminded about this practice of writing things down...a book called "The Artist's Way" recommends it. So for the past week now I have been getting up before the girlies are awake and sitting down with a pen and paper and writing down whatever floats across my thoughts. Some meaningless things have been written, a song lyric, but more often than naught the things in my soul that are troubling me...and trust me there are many as my mind NEVER stops...come up to the surface and I write them down and then usually I want to know what the Bible has to say about those thoughts and so I will find myself in a great Bible study. But the thing that I have found the most fascinating about this whole process is that I am simply writing these things down on paper that have been stirring around in my soul...perhaps brooding in my soul, for awhile and that act of writing it out somehow releases it from my inner self. My mind becomes uncluttered from all of the mundane and stupid things that clog it up. I am then able to focus on the things of my day with much more ease. I also find that still small voice of God is much easier to hear. It's been rather remarkable, really, how simple it is. Another advantage that I think my darling husband may be grateful for is that I do not need to process out loud as often or talk about "stuff" as much because I do that on paper. It also seems to free me from the grimmer side of my personality. I can laugh more. I do not store all those hurtful, pain filled emotions in my heart. I write them out, process them, and then come to a new happier conclusion (usually), and go on my way with joy. Really it's refreshing being inside my head space now. I am thankful to have once again discovered this exercise.

So if you ever come across my "morning pages" don't read it. It wouldn't be worth your time...but it was sure worth mine!

10 Years

We were so in love on our wedding day. We promised to love each other for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, 'til death do us part. We were so young. I was only 21. He was just 22. Everyone advised us to wait to get married...we were too young they thought. We should have more life experience. But we knew better. We knew that come what may we wanted to face it together...to grow up together. So on September 26, 1998 we became husband and wife. And you know we are more in love with each other now than on that beautiful fall day.

The last 10 years have grown us up. The last 10 years have made time tested lovers out of us, we've become parents of 2 beautiful children, we've become business partners, we've withstood through sickness, more moves than one can count on both hands, the internal and external flaws that the hands of time reveal...the list goes on and on.

I love that in my mate I see so much mystery and yet I see some much that is familiar and home. It's the perfect mix to keep me fascinated. He is the best father that I have ever seen. He is the best husband a girl could ever have. His love for God is an ever increasing fire. He not only says he values his family he shows that he values his family. He works so hard to provide for us. He has stayed true to his vows of marriage. He is so creative and FUNNY! He brings so much joy and laughter into our house. I am so thankful for my mate for life. He is my other half. And yes he does complete me...cheesy but oh so true.

I look forward to the next decade and the one after that and the one after that...as many as God gives us. I so love every day with my husband. He has brought me the gift of joy and the gift of love every day that I have known him...all 4460 of them.

Thank you DC. Words are inadequate for how blessed I am to be your wife.

Run The Race...

As with many of you, I have been inspired by the Olympians. But one of the sports really got me thinking. The marathon (both men's and woman's) and the triathlon (again...both men's and women's). It brought to mind the following verses in the Bible.

1 Corinthians 9:23-25:

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever.

Hebrews 12:1-3 (New International Version)

1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Hebrews 12:1-3 (The Message)

Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we'd better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!

Watching the runners also made me realize something else...by the end of the race they had given their all. Not only in the race itself but in their discipline, their lifestyle...every part of their lives have been dedicated to this one moment. Those Olympians has poured themselves out. For some reason I had thought of the race that we as Christians run as something we will finish refreshed. As I looked at those runners struggling to put one foot in front of the other...completely spent....the thought hit me that this is how we are meant to live out lives here on earth. The apostle Paul states it best when he was saying goodbye to Timothy...

2 Timothy 4:5-7 (New International Version)

"But you, keep your head in all situations, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, discharge all the duties of your ministry. For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."

That's how I want to be when I arrive at heaven's gate...I want to have run the race for the prize not at a slow sight seeing saunter. I want to have used all the currency that God has given me...all my heart, soul, mind, and strength.

My prayer for you...

May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers, half truths, and superficial relationships, so that you may live deep within your heart.

May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.

May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, and war, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain in to joy.

And may God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world, so that you can do what others claim cannot be done.

-Franciscan Benediction-

A wave tossed on the ocean

A friend from high school died suddenly on Saturday while playing basketball at a charity event with his brothers. He was 31 years old. I hadn't spoken to him in years just by virtue of life. But the impact he had on my life will not fade. I was reminded that we are here for such a fleeting time. We are not promised tomorrow. Time is precious...And then when it is gone we stand before our Creator God and give and account of that time and how it was spent.

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth

Would care to know my name

Would care to feel my hurt

Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star

Would choose to light the way

For my ever wandering heart
Not because of who I am

But because of what You've done

Not because of what I've done

But because of who You're

Chorus:

I am a flower quickly fading

Here today and gone tomorrow

A wave tossed in the ocean

A vapor in the wind

Still You hear me when I'm calling

Lord, You catch me when I'm falling

And You've told me who I am

I am Yours, I am Yours

Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin

Would look on me with love and watch me rise again

Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea

Would call out through the rain

And calm the storm in me
I am Yours

Whom shall I fear

Whom shall I fear

'Cause I am Yours

I am Yours

Health Update and other things...

I went to the Naturopath after having gone the traditional route of doctor seeing a few doctors. They had taken tests and said I was fine. But I wasn't. I knew I wasn't. I knew because I had no energy. I knew because I was overwhelmed. I knew because I was grumpy and sharp. And all those things just aren't me. Perhaps they are momentary feelings but not lasting attitudes. It's been quite a journey. This went on since I was pregnant with Miss Mercedes and started having terrible gall stone attacks...ones where I would be writhing on the floor for about 45 minutes in so much pain there was nothing else to do. They left me very weak for hours after an attack. It was terrible. I became VERY afraid of my body because you never knew when one would strike. You see those attacks happen when a stone blocks the bile duct. You just never know when a stone will move. Then I had my gallbladder out and and the surgeon assured me that everything would return to normal. They didn't! There came other physical symptoms that left me to the point of being basically a shut-in. Not a complete shut-in mind you because by this point I now had 2 small children who were bursting at the seams with so much life and energy. Nobody knew, except Shaun, the things I was going through not because I was trying to be secretive but because I was simply trying to make it through each day and not analysing anything...just trying to survive. I didn't have the luxury of figuring out how to talk about it with people. I didn't feel well enough. Good health is a luxury. It allows one to do so many things. And I simply didn't have it. I didn't know what was wrong. I wasn't given any solutions from doctors. So I simply put my head down and purposed to make it through...well sometimes it was purposing to make it through the next minute or hour. And no I am not being dramatic. That's the truth of it.

Anyway, there are many other things that I went through due to physical issues that resulted in deep anxiety and fear...and deep anger. I had never dealt with these before. I was never an angry person. I pretty much took life as it came. I was never a fear full (no that is not a typo) person either. Fear had never ruled me. I always figured God would take care of me. And He did and does. But now I was ruled by anxiety and fear and anger. Poor Shaun the things he endured and with such grace...and my children. Rare was a smile and laughter without force.

It got to the point where internally and externally I really couldn't recognize myself. Externally I had put on so much weight no matter what I did. Internally I was such a different at war person. Really life brings you down paths you cannot possibly guess at. All this time although I was in extreme turmoil I was praying and God was using this to teach me many things. I really didn't know where to turn for the physical matters...but I did know where to turn for my internal matters. I knew to turn to God. I clung to him like a person drowning clings to a lifesaver. Because I found that if I kept my thoughts on Bible passages I had read or songs I had listened to that talked about Him that I would be relatively calm. The second I started focusing on all my issues I started drowning. I didn't always succeed on keeping my eyes on Him but when I did I noticed a marked difference in my internal world. A peace beyond understanding.

So about 6 weeks ago I finally was able to go to a Naturopath. And after doing some tests on me he turned to me and told me that he had a scale for rating how a person's health was. 1-3 was really healthy. 19-21 was someone dying of cancer. I was a 17. He said if I had come in 6 months later he didn't know what my story would have been. He said he was quite shocked that my health was that poor b/c after spending an hour and a half talking to me you would never guess it. He told me that my liver had not been working much nor has my colon. I thought the liver cleansed your body but he informed that the liver performs about 500 functions and when it doesn't work one is screwed, as it were. So he put me on a rigorous schedule of pills. And I am not allowed any mint or coffee. I didn't realize how much mint I used.

I went back last week and asked him about my weight. He said the reason that I have gained weight did not have to do with overeating in my case. It had to do with my liver not functioning properly. All the toxins that my body encountered were stored. So as my body starts working properly the weight issues will go away. And I am happy to report that I am starting to get energy back...that very necessary component to being a mother with small children. I have a different outlook on life. I am laughing again. I am writing songs again. I am so very thankful. The Naturopath doctor said it will take about a year to get things up to par.

So I wasn't going insane like I felt some days. I am not a hypochondriac as I sometimes wondered. I do have a God who loves me and cares about every detail of my life. I have a wonderful husband who loves me.

And this is life...we're not promised ease. We're promised that He will walk with us. And it is so.

Moving

Well I was looking through my blog and realized the last thing we said was that we were NOT moving. Well...I should just wait to post these things until God has His finally say I guess. We are moving at the end of August. The original post from April 16, 2008 is the most accurate description with a few changes. I won't opening a music studio just yet. And we cannot breed Keiko. Other than that things are going to proceed as planned. :)
I ran across a verse today that I had never seen. I thought I would share it with you :)
Isaiah 46:3b, 4
"I have cared for you since you were born. Yes, I carried you before you were born.
I will be your God throughout your lifetime—until your hair is white with age.
I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you."