Knitting and Thinking

Today during quiet time I decided to knit (I can't decide if that makes me sound old or crafty). This was the first time I have knit without watching a movie while I did it. I just sat there and worked. As I worked I started the think and pray. I don't think knitting via circle loom is the fastest way to get the job done but that's OK with me. I don't mind. I can see progress being made and at this point in my life I need to see some tangible progress in something I am doing because as all us parents know it sure it's readily seen in parenting.
So I was looking at each loop made over each peg and I was trying to figure out how to go faster and I realized I would likely get careless if I went faster. For a second I thought I might not care but that second passed...well, in a second, and I realized I would care if the afghan was not done to the best of my ability. As it is there are some flaws but that was not due to carelessness. I simply messed up. There is a difference. Which brought be to my second train of thought...this is kind of like parenting. It's the day in and day out little things that, in the end, make up a whole childhood, a character developed, a direction for a life or at least a framework to work with. It was a little reminder that I need to not get careless in my parenting. If I mess up that is one thing...if I get careless, just like in my afghan, that is a completely different ball of yarn...as it where.

As side note on our theology on parenting

After the last post if you think all is rosy at our house always...let me shatter your delusions. It's not so. We, as parents, are very strict and require much of our children. We fail and have agonizingly frustrating days as a result. But our plumb line is that we believe the Bible. And with that we believe that the Bible sets out some pretty high standards for kids and for parents to follow.

Proverbs 29:17 says, "Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart." and Proverbs 22:6 says, "Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." and Proverbs 13:24 "Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him" tell me 3 things:
1) Children are to be a delight...and if they are not being a delight something needs to be done so that they are. It's pretty easy in a situation to decide if they are being a "delight"...just ask yourself "is he/she being delightful right now?...you know the answer.
2) They need training in how to be a delight.
3) There is a big difference between punishment and discipline (one is correcting a wrong and the other is training)
*** on a side note: and NO i am not advocating beating your children. There, again, is a vast difference between discipline and abuse of authority when you allow yourself to lose your temper and take it out on a child.
When Shaun and I actually sat down and looked at the Bible as our handbook for parenting we were a bit shocked at how much it had to say. So we pray for wisdom for each child and proceed with caution and tenacity. There are also many good books...one I highly recommend is "Shepherding Your Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp.

Proverbs 19:18 says, "Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death." We have all seen undisciplined kids. If you follow it through to the end of the story...if they are never taught discipline they live undisciplined lives. Undisciplined lives most often leads to wrecked sad lives.

And Moms my biggest advice to you (since you asked :-D) is to LET your husband be a father. Don't step in an interfere with "oh she's just tired" oh "You haven't been here all day. You don't know or understand what is going on." God created dads with a completely different skill set than us mommies. We are the ones who know when our kids are dry and empty. But dads can spot resistance and rebellion a mile away while we mommies need to be smacked in the face with it a few times. Men are conqueror oriented. They are brilliant in sensing opposition in an opponent...and their children. We do our kids no favours by stepping in (again we are talking about healthy stable homes here...not abusive ones). They simply learn to look around daddy and ignore the vital lessons he has to teach them b/c mommy with save them. Not only do they succeed in dividing and conquering their parents but nothing is more emasculating for a father and husband and nothing more detrimental for your marriage and more defeating, in the long run, for your kids. And then on the tail end of that mommies...when Daddy has disciplined let daddy comfort his child. Don't let them run to mommy and be comforted and then look at daddy with that victory look that says it all, "HA! I got my way in the end!"...that basically erases whatever daddy has just done...And Moms while Dads do things differently, like comforting, it doesn't mean they do it wrong. It means they do it differently and God did give your children 2 parents with different skill sets for a very specific reason...they need the differences. So viva la difference!

I could keep going...

Actually there is no point to all of this if there is not an ultimate purpose. Hebrews 12:5-11 is the longest passage in the Bible about discipline.

"And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? "My son,do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him.For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives."
It is for discipline that you have to endure.God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good,that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."

For Posterity

*The other day I put the girls down for a nap as they have had some late nights and have been a little under the weather. They had been up there for about an hour, and hadn't slept yet, when I heard this sobbing. Went upstairs after a minute to see what it was about. Upon peeking into their room I saw Mercedes leaning back against the wall in a sitting position with Portia's head on her lap. Mercedes was stroking her hair and talking softly to her. Portia was sobbing her little heart out and saying, "I just waaaant to be fooooouuuuuuuuuurrrrrrr." Over and over...and then....,"I don't want to be an adult" and I don't want any more birthdays...I just want to be foooooooooooouuurrrr"...she was wailing and sobbing like her heart was breaking. Mercedes was saying, "But you are four Portia. It's OK." Which brought on another round of the same. I took over at that point and just held her and and said "OK you can be four". (b/c anything else I said just brought on fresh sobs). I still have no idea what brought this on. It came on the heels of a very frustrating, busy, and exhausting week for Shaun and I. Once she calmed down to just hiccup crying she said that while she did not want the birthday parties and she still wanted to have the presents and she wanted Mercedes to still have parties.

*Mercedes learned how to ride a two wheeler on our 11th wedding anniversary. She had been practicing in our backyard for about a week all on her own on a little bike...basically getting her balance. So on this past Saturday we were finally able to have the bike great bike that was given to us fixed up and go to a big field near our house to "teach her" how to ride. When we got there Shaun was all prepaired to run alongside her and help her. She said, "No don't help me. I will do it." Shaun gave her one instruction to start on a bit of a hill. She got on her bike and pedaled away. No help! HA! She did it all by herself and she had it! Not one fall. That's Mercedes. She studies things carefully for awhile and then she executes it pretty much perfectly. It was pretty fun and amazing to watch.

*Shaun was cracking up the other day while loading up the car to go somewhere. Portia was chattering away and using words like "Apparently". Shaun had asked her a question and that was her answer. Not yes or no...but "Apparently!". It's quite a big word for a four year old and when said by said four year old is VERY CUTE!

I was pondering both the girls last night. Mercedes is a gem of a child. She has her moments of course but she pretty much is a very obedient, patient, helpful, responsible, thoughtful, good humoured, and sweet girl. There are many more wonderful adjectives I could use to describe her. At 6 she's just a delight! She is exploring her world and it's so much fun to watch her. She is growing so quickly. She pretty much stands as tall as my shoulder. She has lost one tooth and another one is on the way out. She is very tidy and organized and if you ask her to do a task 99% of the time you can count on her to complete it in a timely manner with excellence. She loves to be outdoors. She has a lot of energy. She could hike without tiring for hours. In fact her Papa is planning on making her his hiking buddy when she's just a little older. She is a born teacher. She has taught her sister so many things from grammar to etiquette.

Portia is a gem of a child as well but in completely different ways. She is hilarious, wherever she goes she brings joy, very creative, good humoured, sweet, She is pretty much the antithesis of her sister in how she goes things. Here is what I mean: she is very artsy, more random, she is very capable of organization but she goes about it in a more scattered creative way. But the finished product, if given enough time, is done with excellence and creativity. She enjoys the process. She is not competitive. Whenever Mercedes has done something or learned something (i.e. got her ears pierced or learned to ride a two wheeler) we have asked Portia if she would like to do the same and she says something like along the lines of "No I'm good." In fact the other day when Mercedes had ridden her 2 wheeler for the first time...upon being asked if she would like to do the same she said "No I am practicing piano right now. I need to celebrate that." She is really good at letting Mercedes celebrate and have her moments...which is important to Mercedes. At 4 she is a delight.

Both girls are amazing playmates to each other. As sister I am constantly amazed by their deep love and affection for each other. They pretty much get along...although I do have to say that the rule in the house is "If you do not get along you do not play. You sit on your bed until you decide you are willing to play sweetly." They have sat on their bed for, probably what adds up to, several hours. Each time they don't get along the time gets longer (escalating consequences and all) They have done the math and decided it's better to get along.

Anyway, I am thankful for these 2 precious treasures that God has entrusted into Shaun and my care. They are amazing girls. And we are having fun!

Getting Settled In To My Calling of This Season

Hi my blogging friends. It's been awhile since I've had time to sit down and think. To be honest, I really don't have time today but I am taking it anyway. Sometimes you just gotta! The girls are playing happily for the moment. The dog is annoying the guy who is laying carpet in one of the bedrooms. Shaun is off working hard on someone else's house. I am putting aside all my mega tasks that I have on the table at the moment to just sit down and think for a few minutes.

Last week Shaun and I had the privilege of going to the Leadership Summit. Last year I had found it intensely frustrating. We were leaving a great church that we were involved in leadership in a few areas and moving to a church unknown. I was feeling a need to be a leader outside of my home to get away and have a break from motherhood responsibilities. And while I think that is all good and well, one year later I have a bit of a different perspective.

This year as I listened to the various phenomenal speakers I realized that I was mentally applying it to my roles that I do every day, the roles of wife and mother...but mainly mother. We will be homeschooling this year and, I think, for the first time I am settled into being at home and doing these things as opposed to filling in time at home and wanting to be doing the things I spent the pre-mother years doing and that which I am trained to do...my passions. While many of my friendds have managed to do both I, I have come to find out, am an all or nothing girl. Whatever I am doing I am fully engaged and focused on and I cannot do other things well. That is my default. I am learning, slowly, how to work around this...first I had to realize that's how it was for me though. So for me to be at home but longing to be doing other things meant that nothing actually got done well. In a sense I freeze. I don't know what to do b/c I can't do everything with all my strength...so I just stop. You would not be able to tell this by looking at my life. It looks very busy and somewhat productive. But mentally this is what goes on. I am not sure that I am articulating this very well, likely, because this is a new revelation for me and so I have not fully processed nor conquered

Another thing that goes along with this is that I am not a multitasker...yeah I know I'm a woman and that people assume that a woman and a multitasker are one and the same...this is not the case for me. My mom is an amazing multitasker and still doesn't get how I am not. She often looks at me in bewilderment when I just can't multi-task. It is a detrimental thing when you are a mom. The job basically requires it as a starting point. Motherhood is a constant interruption of thoughts and tasks. There are days when I wonder if I will go insane! But by the grace of God the love of my husband and children I do not!

I have to say that over the last year I got SO frustrated with not being content with where I was at that I finally started praying. Imagine that! I prayed that God would give me a passion for all that I needed to be a mother to these precious PRECIOUS gifts that He gave to me for this season. He took me up on this request and slowly and graciously has begun to grow this passion. I know it will be a process but I am encouraged. He has grown it to the point that homeschooling the girls is not an overwhelming burden on my heart but I am actually looking forward too it. I do not know what this year will hold or the next. I am kind of glad about that. It would be overwhelming I think.

If you talk to any mother, who's children are already grown, they will tell you that these years go by so quickly and to cherish each moment. A friend once told me that "the days are long but the years are short". It is a bittersweet thing. On one hand you sort of long for the never ending barrage to end. On the other hand you never want it to end. It's the hardest and best job one could ever have.

I do not want you to think that this is the complete picture of my motherhood experience. For it is not by a looooooong shot. It's just that, at this point in the journey, this is what God is working on in my heart and life. These beautiful girls bring me SO much joy, a fresh perspective, and a river of love that I never knew existed before I had the privilege and joy to be their mother.

2 Conversations with the girls.

Today we were coming back from Victoria, the girls and I, on the ferry. We were eating and all of a sudden Portia says in a not so quiet (and yet not too loud) voice, "Look at that fat man mommy!" Now I knew someone was sitting down behind me about a foot away so I figured they heard. I whispered to her across the table that it's not nice to say stuff like that. She just looked at me quite unconcerned. About 2 minutes later that "fat man" asked me if I would like any of his ketchup packets as he had too many and he had noticed that we were using ketchup. Then about 15 minutes later when he was finished eating and leaving he stopped by the table and said "You girls are the 2 best behaved little girls I have ever seen" and then went on his merry way. At this point Portia started giggling quietly at first and then she burst out into a full giggle. When asked what was so funny she turned to Mercedes and said "MERCEDES he said we were BOTH LITTLE girls. I am the only little girl. You are a big girl right?" Mercedes agreed and they had a good giggle. As did I.

After we got off the ferry and were driving down the rode the girls saw a helicopter in the sky. Mercedes pointed it out to Portia and I. Portia said "helicopter". But she must not have pronounced it quite correctly because Mercedes started breaking down the word for her. She started with "Hell" "I" "Cop" "tor". started to repeat after her "hell" and then she stopped. "Hey Mercedes isn't has that a word 'hell'? Mercedes do you know what 'hell' means?" Mercedes replied, "No do you?" Portia "No but it is a word right" Mercedes said it was. At this point I jumped in and told asked them "Do you want to know what hell is?" They both said yes. "When we die we either go to Heaven or Hell. If you believe in Jesus and He knows you then you go to Heaven. If that is not the case then you go to Hell. Hell is where Satan lives and he is the most evil being. Hell is an awful place. " At which point Portia piped up VERY emphatically, "Well I am going to Heaven because God knows my name Mommy! He knows MY name!" I asked her if she believed in Jesus and she said "YES! And He knows my name". And then Mercedes and Portia went off the fact that God owns everything and had made the cows and the peacocks and the....everything! It was a lengthy list.

Those are the precious moments that I cherish.

More stuff from the girls

So I should be asleep...and I was until my youngest came in crying and crawled onto our bed at 12:50 a.m. "Mommy" she wailed "I have gum in my haaaaaaaaaaaaaair!" Yep she sure did have it MASHED right in there...in her hair, on her face, and her arms. I tell sleeping husband I need his help "#$%&&* just cut it out@##$%" (he is not so much helpful at night) "No! I am not going to cut it out. It's in a bad spot to just cut it out. I will get it out with peanut butter" "PEANUT BUTTER?!!!?!?!?" "Yes Peanut butter. Can you please check her bed to make sure that it's not all over?" "#$%^%&*" Only my Portia would get gum from her stash at bedtime and then fall asleep with it in her mouth. She was very cute though during the whole extraction process.
And now I am wide awake so I will tell you some more tales from this household.
On to the "most terrible mother award" story: A little over a week ago Miss M was going on a field trip to the fire station. She told me that she needed to bring some canned food for the food bank. OK. Well the morning of the field trip we get to school and get in line and I realized that I had not brought the canned goods. I exclaimed my dismay to a couple of the moms standing near and one of them said not to worry she brought extra just in case. Phew! So she hands me some items and I went over to my daughter. "I forgot to bring canned foods M but don't worry Bethany's mom gave me some. Isn't that wonderful?" She looked straight at me and nearly rolled her eyes, I think. Then she says, "Mom I brought some. They are in my backpack. See!" Niiiiiiiiice. My 6 year old is more responsible than I am!
More Portia cuties:
*Daddy and daughter were out together at Long and McQuade. As they were leaving the store daughter looks up at daddy and says " It's good for 3 year olds and daddys to hang out and blue eyes to stick together." (They both have blue eyes)
*I was getting Portia out of the car and then carrying her when she asked me a question regarding something she wanted to buy in the store. I promptly told her to "ask her father". She kind of muttered under breath "father? oh that is like mother" and then she said in a very commanding voice "MOTHER PUT ME DOWN!" and then she ran to "ask her father". I just cracked up.
*I had told Portia to get her bathing suite on so she was hunting for it. "Daddy have you seen my bathing suite? It's the one with the boob straps!" At which point Shaun and I look at each other with a "What did she just day?" look. "Shaun asked Portia "What kind of straps?" "Boob straps Daddy. You know the ones that hold up these" (at which point she grabs her chest and points with her other hand). Now really how in the world does one keep a straight face with that? I mean seriously! Where does she come up with these things? Boob straps?

no reason really

Today was a day. It was a day that by the end of it I am sitting here just agitated. Today was a day where I cursed and got so frustrated I could have screamed and screamed and slammed my fist into a wall. And you know why? Nothing really! Nothing earth shattering! I did not get my mental list done. And I really wanted too. And my day was just annoying, one hundred little things worth of annoying.
This morning I ran errands. I started out an hour later than I had mentally planned forgetting that I had to drop our student off an hour and a half later than normal. I spent more money than I would have liked too. I was wearing my lawn mowing clothes so I did look so very attractive! Portia looked like no one owned her. I did not get the laundry started nor the grass mowed. I was mad dashing around Costco, Walmart, and Superstore...I think all the seniors were out in full force thwarting my fast-paced efforts at every turn. I was in a hurry because I had a open house to attend at a school that we put Mercedes and Portia on a wait-list for. That meeting went 45 minutes later than it was supposed to go. Annoying! Especially since I had 2 little girls with me who were hungry and tired...oh and so was I. One kept saying in a loud voice "Mommy when are we leaving this place?" with large amounts of disdain in her tone...bet you can't guess which one! I didn't even have time to eat for the first time today until 3:30 pm. That one always messes me up!
That meeting at that school bothered me to no end. I want to like the idea of a fine arts school. Really I do! In theory, it's an amazing idea. But just walking around the school I got really really uneasy. So me agitated is never good. And I found out Mercedes 204Th on the list which puts her getting into that school at oh MAYBE grade 6! Plus the girls, who were amazingly well behaved, upon leaving said they did not like that school AT ALL! Well girls I did not either! Which that brought me to another thought...see I had been looking at that school as a solution for schooling. And with it not really being one...leaves me swimming out in an ocean of WHAT!?
Then after running more errands (and getting my children some food) I came home to see our student sitting in the middle of our driveway in his friend's brand new Porsche convertible. I don't know, today that one just rubbed me wrong. I feel like our student is slumming it with us (as he will be getting a brand new Infinity G37 convertible next month..."they are so much cheaper here!" $70K later) and I am his maid! I'm not but today that is how I chose to feel upon seeing him and his friend sitting here smoking in the Porsche. Perhaps a little jealous!
Then the girls started tag-teaming me until Shaun got home and the house was still a mess, dinner was not ready, and tomorrow is my enduring husband's birthday. I, on my mental list, had a clean house and a lovely supper when he walked in the door on the agenda. But no when Shaun walked in the door I was in tears and needing to follow through on discipline with Portia. Oh and then I finally got the laundry in and Portia (who has been having issues with accidents since her urinary tract infection but she is getting better...you wanted to know that I know :D) had left a pull-up in one of her skirts and I missed it before putting it in the laundry. So the whole load was full of falling apart pull-up.
Then at 11 pm while I am cleaning up the kitchen and unloading and then re-loading the dishwasher, my student comes out and stands right in front of me (after peeing with the bathroom door open AGAIN...must talk to him about that one!) and says "OK now I am a little bit hungry what can I eat?." (I hadn't made supper b/c he wasn't hungry at supper time and we just ate leftovers). I think the blank stare, with mouth hanging open, I gave him probably made him realize that he wasn't getting anything from me. I simply couldn't think of anything to feed him nor say to him although I should have applauded his English. So he made some ichibon and then I felt bad that he was eating soup he had bought. Oh the guilt! And now it is 12:35 a.m. so I think I will do the bills and go to bed....how relaxing! Those are a few of the highlights there were a few more humdingers but I am not inclined to type those out as I am not over them yet.
What is the point of all that? Nothing really. I might feel a teeny tiny bit better though.If you ever think a stay at home mom sits around watching soaps and eating chocolates...come to my house...I'll set you straight and put you to work on one of the 561 things that was on my mental list for that day and didn't get done!
And yet I wouldn't trade my life for anything in this world. I wouldn't trade this day with my darling daughters for anything either. God is gracious to me. He let me make a complete grump of myself. He let me ask my children's forgiveness for being grumpy and He let me hear them say that I was forgiven and then 5 minutes later hear a reminder from my youngest that I was "STILL being a grumpy mommy"! My daughters are very forgiving and patient with me. I am thankful that they are. I am thankful for the reminder from a child of what I am supposed to be.

Humbled

Well God has spoken and I must listen! Yesterday Portia had a complete meltdown after skinning her knee. It was ridiculous! I realize that hurts. I also know my daughter. She is one tough cookie. She doesn't wail FOREVER about these sort of things. But yesterday (my birthday) I took the girls swimming. Everything was going well until 5 seconds after we got out of the car Portia was running and fell. And then she set to wailing, and wailing, and wailing...I really should have just gone home but I did not want to disappoint M. So we proceeded. It was a gong show needless to say. I won't bore you with the details but it made me realize several things. It was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.
Since we moved at the end of last August I have been sick quite a bit (like ulcers and such), likely a little depressed, feeling displaced, etc. I have not done well with this move. I allowed my self to slack off in the area of my parenting. And now I am reaping the harvest of the seeds I have sown over the last 7ish months. It shows mostly in Portia but you can see it in M as well in more subtle shades. I have been at my wit's end with my baby girl and that's the truth of it.
I realized yesterday that while Portia was wailing away my desire was for her to behave "the right way" in the situation as she was embarrassing me by being "that child" instead of wanting to understand her and her needs and using it as an opportunity...I became "that mother". Now while she did need to stop wailing I needed to be her mother. Anyway, this situation is much more complex than I have time to explain here so I don't think you will get the whole picture accurately.
Needless to say that situation was my swift kick on the backside to spurr me on to once again pursue Godly parenting which I have neglected since moving...with many "good" excuses. I woke up this morning and was praying for wisdom for today. I was praying that God would give me the grace to encourage my children and to love them as He wanted me to love them today. That in times of conflict He would show me the path to pursue...that He would help me to control my irritation and anger. I am weary so I prayed for renewed strength and joy, but most of all grace. While I was praying God reminded me of a little book that has been sitting on my shelf the last 3 years. I have read part of it and then put it down for other more interesting reads. This book is called "Shepherding Your Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp. So I dusted it off and started reading. And as I read I repented of my many many sins towards my children these past months. Don't get me wrong I am not talking about abuse here I am talking about not engaging them, having a high level of annoyance, and the list goes on but it is still sin none the less. They are precious precious girls and such a gift.
So, if you are inclined, pray for me as I once again pursue this. I pursued it quite passionately until we moved. It is something that is deeply important to Shaun and I. Shaun is an amazing father. He excels at this role. But he is also at work all day and so the majority of the parenting falls on me...as it should for a stay at home mom.
Over the next little while I will write down what I learn on here. Perhaps it might help you too. This role of shepherding a child's heart is quite complex. I am indeed thankful that I have the ultimate source of wisdom to draw from.
So today that source of wisdom said this to me:
"My brother (or sister in this case) take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's (or woman's) anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires." James 1:19-20
AND
"The purposes of a man's (or child's) heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out." Proverbs 20:5

My Portia and her button pushing limit bending day

So today has been one of those days. I know you moms know what I mean. One of "those" days that left me gaping at my 3 year old and then threatening to take her completely out of gymnastics and then watch her cousin do the gymnastics for an hour each week until June if she EVER behaved that way again...not my shining moment either!...yeah one of THOSE days. She pushed every button and limit today. She was in fine form. Mischief personified.

Now usually my Portia is a rather charmingly precocious child. She is still required to be sweet and obey...no exceptions. Today it didn't matter. I will give you 2 examples that happened in an hour's time...and the day, as you know, is so much longer than an hour.

She had gymnastics today and truly I wish that I had made a video of her a couple of times. While we were waiting for class to start she was chasing her cousin and sister around and fell and skinned her knee...now Portia is my second born. She is VERY tough. Not much makes her cry. She can hurt herself in ways that would send my first born to emerge and she will get up and keep going.AND she is, by nature, VERY independent. So "I can do it myself (with great emphasis on myself)" is a common sentence from her. Well today that skinned knee got the better of her. She would not walk on her leg because she needed a band-aid. And boy did she howl. and howl and howl and HOWL! So we got her a band-aid and some polysporon. Do you think that did the trick? NO in fact I think she set to howling even more. She wanted me to carry her everywhere...to throw away her tissue, to go to the bathroom, to get a drink...remember we are still waiting for class to start with everyone looking on at the show. And then she did not want to go into class. I finally convinced her to go in and she went and sat on a mat in the very middle of the class and just sat and watched for a good while. And then she decided it was time to RUUUUUUUUUUN!

She is generally in her own world anyway but today she really was in her own world. And the rest of the time while her whole class, including her cousin, where going through the routine she was running like a banshee around the ENTIRE gym...let me make that clear...the ENTIRE gym. She would come bang on the window and wave exuberantly at me before taking off again at a gleeful gallop around and around. And then it would be my turn to tap with authority on the window to try and get her attention to go "listen and obey". Oye Vay! Not sure why I bothered. She was "that" child today. The teachers would glance at her every once in awhile and gently call her over to participate in class. She must have known they were not going to require her to participate because for all the attention she paid them they might as well have not been there. I guess she is feeling better. It's been a long while since she has felt like running so it is good to see her with so much energy. A lady sitting next to me leaned over and asked how old she was (she is 3 but she is in the 4-5 year old class b/c she will soon be 4). Her son, who was doing a make-up class is also 3 it turns out and she said in his class they all act like Portia was acting today. That was a small comfort...very VERY small.

I told my mom that latter story tonight on the phone and she thought it was "so cute" as a grandma has a prerogative to think. And she had a good laugh. But me, the mother who is trying so hard to raise her to be a wonderful citizen of this world, did not think it was cute (well...maybe now I do...just a little...I have been giggling recalling it but at the time...) and in fact I wanted to sink through the floor while throttling her. But of course I would never do that! The day went on from there to hitting and pinching and whining, and crying, and more whining.

But you know...I am sitting here, as I type, thinking that, in all, I am thankful that she has her spunk back. I missed it while she was sick this past while. I am thankful that she is a healthy beautiful child and that she is my child. I am thankful that God lent her to me. I am thankful that I am the one that she calls "mama". She is a such a sweet, funny, cuddly, and joyful child. She is my little joy bubble. As her name means so she is. She is a gift...to all who meet her but most especially to me. She is so very full of life. And as for the days that try my sanity levels...well, as a friend reminded me not too long ago, the days are long, when they are this young, but the years are so very short.

A dedication of love...

On February 24th we had the privilege and the joy to be able dedicate our girls at church. Dedication simply means that we as parents stand up before our church family and make a commitment to raise our children to know God. We had done this in our home when the girls were little but we had wanted to do this corporately for a while but hadn’t been in a church family enough to call it “family” until now.

There were several things about that day that were extremely precious to us. Let me tell you some of them:
1) My mom (who drove all the way from south of Seattle just for the day) dropped everything on such short notice to be there…that is just her…she treasures us and our children. It is a great gift. We simply adore her.
2) Shaun’s Dad and Nan were able to come. We so enjoy living near Papa and Nanny. We have the best times with them.
3) My sister-in-law Becca and Jack and Sammy were able to be there. We have a very strong and sweet relationship with this family and the kids have a deep bond that is inexpressible. God seems to have given them these cousins irregardless that they are not “blood” by the true definition. They are blood in their minds.
4) Our friends the Vande Kuyt’s came. We went to college together.
5) A mom and tots group that a friend and I have run for the past few years…several of the family’s involved had their children dedicated on the same day
6) One of the most precious things was that Pastor Mark Francisco (our senior pastor and a close family friend since Shaun’s childhood) dedicated the girls.

7) The way our church family gathered around us and celebrated the moment with us was amazing. It was exactly for this reason that we had waited so long to do that which was so important to us.

I think I will draw on the sweetness of that day for quite awhile.

There are days in life that carry you through when things get very rough. When you feel that nothing is going right…when you are discouraged. That day will always remind me of the richness of the love that we, as a family, have been given. That no matter how things may look at the moment the truth is that we are loved…and loved deeply. It is a great thing and a stabilizing thing to realize.

My arena of incompetence

So you know that verse that I ended my last posting with 2 Corinthians 12:9 that says "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." Here's another instance in my life where this is true.

About a month ago I came to a point were I was feeling very trapped. I was angry. I didn't know how to do better. I was trying my best and failing miserably. The area I am talking about is motherhood. Now that is not easy for me to say. All growing up people would always tell me that I would be an amazing mother. And I had come to believe that would be the case. I thought I would just LOVE being a stay at home mom. I thought I would cherish EVERY moment of my children's lives (stop rolling on the floor laughing all you moms out there...). I also thought it was terrible when other moms (before I was a mom in this particular part of the journey where I've learned my kids CAN do wrong...WHAT?) would say exactly what I'm about to say. I judged them so harshly. So basically myself came back to bite me in the butt. Anyway, it all came to a bit of a little crisis about a month or so ago. It had been coming for awhile but I had finally had enough with me and my ways. I was SO angry with myself for being a miserable failure of a mother...but I also did not know how to change the situation. This was not a job I could quit. There was no way out. But something had to change. Now I wasn't terrible to my children but I was not wonderful either. I was not internally at peace and content. I knew that I had the possibility of being a much better mother. And mediocrity in not acceptable to me. I have worked SO hard to be the best mother I could be and was FAILING miserably...MISERABLY!

Now over the last 2 years I have been learning through several different sources (all leading back to the Bible) that as a Christian...as a child of God...how He layed out life for me is to not rely on myself and my witts, wisdom, and strength to do life. Because really we all know that our witt, wisdom, and strength is quite lacking. It gets us into so much trouble and pain. Especially compared to the God of the universe who we'll never plumb the depths of even through all eternity. So baby step by baby step I have been learning to walk life in this manner. Two years ago I also asked God to clean out the basement of my soul. And He is graciously doing that. So I think this was one of the darkest corners...I did not want to admit that I needed help. But I also could not go on like this. I found myself resenting my precious girls. I found myself hiding a lot behind busyness and being on the computer just to get away. And in the mean time I was missing my children and losing precious time with them that could not be regained. And I was miserable. And I was angry.

So one day I was keening in my soul AGAIN. I did much praying and soul searching. And finally one day God spoke to me as clear as Shaun standing next to me. He said this, "You are a very competent person in all areas of your life...well you think you are and you appear to be. But in this one area there is no possibility that you can fake it 'til you make it. If you continue you WILL indeed fail miserably." I knew what He was telling me. I had to cry "Abba Father". He knew that in this area I would push so hard because I could not fail my children. But He knew I would and He knew I would eventually come running to Him. This is my arena of incompetence.

Once I really listened it was a turning point for me. Nothing has changed in the physical world. In fact Shaun is out of town this week and I am doing the whole single parent thing. But I am enjoying these precious gifts God gave me for such a short time. We are having a blast. God has given me grace (which means joy). I am thankful. His yoke IS easy and His burden is light. But mine is heavy and overwhelming. Hmmm which will I choose?

Where's the flood mommy?

So this morning Miss M hopped into our bed and informed us that it was raining. Then she wanted to know where the flood was? I mean it's raining mommy doesn't that mean that there is supposed to be a flood? I asked her why she thought that since it was raining there should also be a flood she said "Well when it rains it's just supposed to flood" Like duh Mom that's just how life is...don't you know anything? I then clued in that Shaun had read her the story in the Bible about Noah and the flood during bath time a couple of days ago. I then explained to her that, really, we don't want floods to happen. They are not good things. That particular one happened because God was judging the earth. She wasn't convinced and still wanted a flood.

As I was putting Mercedes to bed tonight I checked her teeth to make sure i had done a good job brushing them. she looked at me a second and then asked, "Is there plastic on them Mommy?" I said "Plastic? Do you mean plaque?" She said "Yes that's what I mean. What's plaque Mommy?"

Just when I put the girls down for their nap I warned them to go right to sleep and told them not to "mess around". They could mess around all they wanted too when they got up but right now it is quite time. I have them say "Yes Mommy" so I know they are listening and Portia didn't say that so I said in my best mommy voice with sternness (which is nearly impossible with my little button of a girl as she's just so cute) "Portia" and she looked at me and said with equal sternness and deep concentration on her little pixie face "No messing around Poor-tuh (which is how she pronounces her name some days)".

I am blessed! I am thankful that I have the opportunity to be home and enjoy those little moments with our girls. They are treasured times that I do not take for granted.

Have a good day enjoying the treasures (whomever they may be...) that God has richly given to you.

Tama

Acuna matta, acuna matta, acuna matta It means no worries For the rest of your dddaaayyyys

Over the last little while...well I would say the last...well since I became a mother...I think that I have become too serious. I have been grappling with the responsibilities of life. The things like...we now have 2 wee children who depend on us solely for everything, I am to be an example, I ask myself am I succeeding or failing them every second of the day and then at the end of the day...how did the day go? Was I the best mother I could be today? So there was that. Then the responsibility of being a wife...does my husband still find me beautiful? Was I the best wife that I could be to him today? etc. Then my responsibility to family, friends, strangers to show kindness and love. My relationship with God...I must finish well and what about the poor and the oppressed? Have I done enough today? When I stand before God will He say "well done" or "depart from me I never knew you"?

Inevitably the answer to all those questions was..."well you could have done better". What a strange way to look at life...I mean taking responsibility for MY actions is important. But carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders is silly.



Matthew 11:28-30 " Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly. "





That is truth...that is freedom...that is joy...that is what we all long for. That is where Jesus comes in...our Saviour, our burden bearer...wonder when I'll actually allow Him to do what He longs to do.





I have heard it said that "fun and laughter is like a spice that's added to life". I've also heard that "Fun on it's own, being determined to seek out fun has an inverted rate of return". Or another way to say that is...we never sit down and eat a bowl of all spices. But food without any spice is terrible. "We never run from reality but laughter is the spice of life as we face reality". [John Fichtner]





I will keep pondering these things. And reprogram myself. The potential for JOY (not happiness...that is a fleeting thing, an emotion...but true deep abiding joy no matter what the circumstance that can only ever be found in God) is exponential if I pay attention to that Matthew 11 passage and take it to heart and actually apply it to my life. hmmmmmmmmm