Of Ostriches and Things

Last night I was sitting up in the booth doing projection at church unexpectedly.  It had been a somewhat rough week mentally for me and this marked 4 weeks of being at church that I was doing something and honestly, I'm a little too ADD to do projection. I freak myself about every 3-5 seconds because my mind wanders LOL...I had been looking forward to just being a person going to church but it wasn't meant to be....I don't tell you that to grumble, more so you understand my frame of mind when I was listening to the sermon. I'm actually incredibly thankful for how the evening ended up. I was meant to be right where I was.  

This last week I was really mentally struggling through some things.  I won't bore you with the details but the broader struggle had to do with my very worth.  I had finally sorted out that what I think I am valuable at doing and what I can offer as contribution...I am not doing. I also sorted out that, culturally speaking, my value is very low....I am not leading by title...which is a massive shift since this move. We as a culture, view being a leader as the best thing ever. Really,  I'm more at the bottom of the heap...is that a problem?  Yes, if you think that leading at the top of the heap is the end all and be all...which consciously I would have an all out fight with anyone who said that...but subconsciously...I think I must have believed it considering my mental state the last half of the week. It felt like a stronghold. Something that God needed to deal with in me...pride perhaps? The conscious side of me strongly believes that my life is in God's hands, my worth can only be found in Him, and wherever he puts me I will serve cheerfully, happily, and with all I've got. I prayed and fervently said, "wherever!" and meant it with all of me...but words are cheap...reality is much more expensive.  

By Friday afternoon I had landed back at "wherever" and meaning it, not flippantly but truly.  My will had put back in it's proper place but I must tell you that this time it was more of a wrestle and struggle than I have ever before experienced.  Why? I have many answers to that...but one of them is I think I'm still struggling through this move.  As I come across situations, each one seems to be a struggle.  And honestly, I am kind of tired of it.  This whole struggle it was like one side of me was on the outside of me going "Really?  Who cares! Get over it. This doesn't matter! Just serve and be content. STOP". The other side of me was "#$&%...NO! This is not good enough!  $%#^%&$@! WWWHHHYYY?"  

Not exactly the pretty side of me. I prayed. I wrestled.  I stressed. And you want to know the funny thing? It was all mental. There were some legit things to work through...but not requiring that much stress. I was literally stressing myself out. Talk about stupid. And to add on to this, I know that I cannot stress myself out from hard experience. My physical body takes the pounding for this mental stress. I make myself extremely ill when I do this...like the doctor has warned me "no stress" ill.   I should have learned my lesson on this by now. So today I am home...pretty ill. Think I've learned my lesson yet?

In the midst of my struggling God graciously brought amazingly sweet moments into my week.  He has given me friendships in this short time here that are treasures.  He has allowed me to keep friendships, despite the distance, that spur me on and bring me great joy. He, as usual with me, used music to speak into the deepest parts of my soul (Right now the songs that are rocking my soul are Spirit of the Living God and Lamb of God , both by Vertical Church).  He has given me family who choose to celebrate me and love on me even when I'm not really worth celebrating...good thing we don't get what we deserve. 

As I was sitting in church, listening to Pastor Wade preach, God gently and and powerfully spoke to me.  Wade was wrapping up our series After Darkness, Light on the book of Job. Suffering. (if you want to hear the sermon it should be up by Tuesday) He was sort of going through God's response to Job in Job 38-42. He pointed out that in some ways God is talking through his creation. God begins by saying, 

Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation? Tell me, if you  understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it?
6 On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone—7 while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?" (Job 38:4-7)
He then came to this:
By the way...do you know what Job's final response was to all his suffering and God's response to Him?  

He made a creation that shouted for joy. He enjoys His creation.  

The wings of the ostrich flap joyfully...when she spreads her feathers to run, she laughs at horse and rider. (Job 39:13,18)

Do you see any usefulness in an ostrich? God made her to enjoy her.  Seriously? 

Blew my mind. In all my struggling and fighting it was over not being useful..not being enough. There is a franticness in that. And He just calmed me with His voice, and said "But I made you to be you. Not to be "useful". I just enjoy you. Can you just let me enjoy you? Can that be enough?" Ummmmmmm. Hmmmmm. 

Now I'm not saying that being useful is bad.  I'm not saying don't give all you've got. I'm not saying don't work hard. I'm saying that when you are striving and struggling and frantic, like I have been this week, then perhaps it's not quite the right thing. It's more about the motive behind your action than the action itself. A posture. It goes back to that verse that I haven't quite wrapped my brain around... 

Be still and know that I am God. (Psalm 46:10)

Do you know what Job's final response was in all of this?

My ears had heard of You but now my eyes have seen You (Job 42:5)

That's quite a response.  He started doing things differently from then on...Wade pointed out what is said about his daughters...I love what he pointed out.  

The Lord blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part. He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen and a thousand donkeys. And he also had seven sons and three daughters. The first daughter he named Jemimah, the second Keziah and the third Keren-Happuch. Nowhere in all the land were there found women as beautiful as Job’s daughters, and their father granted them an inheritance along with their brothers.(Job 42:12-15) 

Only his daughters are named...so not done culturally in that day.  He gave them an inheritance...so not done culturally in that day.  Now listen to what his daughters' names mean...Jemimah (dove) Keziah (cinnamon) Keren-Happuch (make-up). In the Jewish culture (which Job was not Jewish, he was from the east of Israel...Iran?) names always have meaning...more serious meanings...character traits and the like.   These names are simply enjoyable. Job took great joy in his daughters. He was no longer taking cultural cues he was walking with God and becoming more like Him.  

I have written before about God's Extravagance.  He is an extravagant God.  He loves extravagantly. He creates extravagantly. He enjoys His extravagance and loves it when we do too.  

Disruptive Mercy

We have staff chapel every other Wednesday. Sometimes someone from our staff speaks.  Sometimes, someone from somewhere else speaks.  Today we had Dr. David Williams.  He is the president of Taylor Seminary here in Edmonton. 
He spoke on Romans 12:1,2 which says,
Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
 
His main point, after laying all of the ground work of his thought, was disruptive mercy. Often God's mercy is disruptive but it is mercy.  He then asked us to think about times we'd seen mercy extended to someone who completely did not deserve it.  I could immediately think about books I've read like Corrie ten Boom's story of her going back to a Nazi guard and telling him she forgave him. I could think of stories of parents who went to a prison to look their child's murderer in the eye and say "I forgive you".  But those are huge scenarios...mind blowing ones.  How have I seen God's disruptive mercy in my life? Be it bigger situations in my life or daily circumstances? 
I began to pray and ask God to bring them to my mind...and He literally flooded it with big and small examples.  I won't tell you all of them but I will tell you a few:
The most recent bigger one was this move.  My, it was disruptive! And hard.  And huge. I came into January broken from it.  It was like the last straw, for me, in a long line of hard things...years had built up on each other and this broke me...broken again.  In my soul, I felt like I was in the fetal position.  Unable to get up. Without strength to even move. That's very hard to admit for someone who has always needed to be emotionally strong.
But God.  I love those two words. They encompass hope and mercy and my very life's source. But God spoke life into me and in one week's time raised me up from the fetal position into a new and different strength.  His strength. Today he gave me a picture of when He raised me up He broke the mold of what I had formed myself to fit into. God used many people to prophetically speak life into me in that one week.  In all this I see disruptive mercy. I am being transformed day by day. I am being renewed. I feel life surging into me.  His life.  There is a difference. I am being made more like Christ. MERCY.  I could not see this move as mercy at the beginning of the journey. But God...
Another scenario in my life of an example of disruptive mercy is my step-dad.  I grew up with a man as my dad who was mentally ill. He was wonderful when he was wonderful and terribly abusive when he was terrible.  Most of growing up was hard. He was often angry, and by angry I mean he had terrible rage issues. And my mom and I walked on egg-shells every day. We never knew what would set him off. But not many people knew this.  My mom and I kept a smile on our faces and didn't talk about it...he was a pastor for some of my growing up.  Highly dysfunctional. Very scarring.  But God! He often would show me visions of my step-dad as a child and what he had experienced.  And HE would instill mercy into my soul for him. (I am in no way saying that my step-dad's treatment of me was alright with God.  That's a whole theology in and of itself better saved for another post. We live in a broken world where we use our free will to choose sin over God's ways). But I will say God used this life situation for my good.  He worked into me, in my brokenness, the ability to offer mercy and forgiveness to those who do not deserve it. Relentless mercy, that is the way of Jesus. Relentless love. Relentless hope.  It is by His disruptive mercy that He has worked into me His ways...and is continuing to do so.  In some ways, I believe that mercy insulated me from the worst of the scarring that could have happened to my heart, soul, and mind.  There is still scarring...but He is working it for my good and His glory.
The last scenario I will tell you about, has to do with my biological dad.  I did not know that my step-dad wasn't my real dad until I was 8. I had no face to face interaction with my bio dad (that I recall...I did up until 2 but have no memory of that) until I was 24 and that was at my grandparent's (his parent's) 50th wedding anniversary. Then I had no interaction until I was 30. By then I was a mom with 2 small children. We began to have a relationship at that point.  There are many circumstances around the why of not knowing him...but I truly believe that God knew I wasn't ready until then.  I remember my dad standing in my kitchen in BC and asking my forgiveness for not being in my life and me offering that forgiveness. He asked me how I was able to freely offer it? By God's grace...truly. He gave me the ability to offer it freely and wholeheartedly. My dad and I now have a sweet relationship that I cherish more than I could ever express. All of that was disruptive...BUT God worked it together for my good.  
I see His disruptive mercy all over the place. But those are some of the bigger circumstances that He brought to my mind.  :)

3 1/2 Months In

I cannot believe it 's been 14 weeks since we pulled away, in our moving truck, from B.C.  So much has changed in our worlds.  For the last little while, since I've been working, I have had no mental space to really contemplate it.  Before that I was unpacking boxes. Before that I was in a car driving away from my home.  Before that I was packing boxes and saying goodbye and single-parenting it.  Before that I was in Israel.  Before that we were contemplating our world tilting and shifting.  Before that we were happy in our world of running a business and being immersed in a wonderful community.  It's been awhile since all the "before that" craziness began...and once it began...there was no stopping it.
This past weekend, while we were celebrating our anniversary, all of it hit me like a ton of bricks.  All of the change caught up with me.  When you're in it you just do it and keep going...no time to process.  You have moments when you think "hmmmm wonder what I think of all of this?"  and then you keep going.  I must say, I think that's a great thing...to process later...for me.  In the midst it'd be too much (at least for me) and likely I would have ended up catatonic.  But later, when a lot of things are sorted and I are beginning to settle in and most of the chaos is over...it's ok for it all to catch up with me. I'm better able to handle it.
So...the girls did not get into the school that we have them on a waitlist for (they're still on the waitlist).  They are in a different school...a good school by all accounts.  I don't honestly know because I haven't been in their classrooms because I am working.  The second week of school M went off on a 3 day trip with her class...it was so very weird sending her with strangers.  I didn't like the feeling...but she came back happy and well.  As a parent, it's a content releasing of your children..this move has required more than I thought in that area.  But, the girls tell me they are making friends and that they like their teachers.  So, that is good!  It definitely keeps me on my knees.  I was used to being in their classrooms a lot and knowing the families that they were interacting with.  So this school year I am learning that, as much as I love my children, their Heavenly Father loves them beyond descriptive words and cares about, and for, everything that has to do with them.  I leave them in His hands...there is no better place they can be. Often, instead of choosing worry and fear, I choose that.
Our new jobs: I love my job. I am so thankful for it.  The people I work with are absolutely wonderful.  I couldn't have asked for a better situation in a job.  This job and the people in it are a blessing to me. I have met so many lovely people.  They have grace for my newness to the area and the job. I am adjusting to not being the boss...and I have to say it is indeed lovely to shut down my computer at the end of the day and walk out the door and know that my job is done for the day...as well as my responsibilities.  I have been so encouraged and bolstered in the last 6 weeks.
Shaun is also adjusting well into his job.  He is enjoying working with his brother.  It's busy and has a never-ending list but he is enjoying the fact that while his job is his responsibility...some things are above his pay-grade and that's a good thing! He gets to shut everything down and come home and not think about work.  A great employee benefit.
Family: When we moved we left behind grandparents from both sides of the family and that has been hard. But we are now close to Shaun's brother and his family which means uncle, auntie, and cousin time.  There have already been some sweet moments.  We are so very thankful for them.
Our church: It's so amazing to walk into church and already recognize so many faces...another benefit from working at the church.  Next Tuesday, we begin going to a community group.  We are looking forward to getting to know some people better.  While we recognize faces and are getting to know more and more names...we still don't know people yet...and that's to be expected. It takes time! That's one of the things I find hardest about moving...the work required to form a thriving vibrant community...the work and the length of time it takes.  But in the end, we've learned, that it is well worth it. But it does take a lot out of an introvert like me.

We still can say with utmost confidence that, as we walk step by step, we see His fingerprints all over this.  I am thankful for His presence all around us.  I am thankful for the people that He has put in our path.  I am thankful that I cannot always see what's around the next bend...only enough so I know where to walk.  I am thankful for my husband...he is still the favourite part of my every day. I am thankful for our children...who bring me so much joy.  Their upturned smiling faces. The stories they bring home that tell me about their day and the people in it.  Their hugs.  I am thankful for life and a new day to pursue my Creator.
So much to be thankful for in the midst of the adjusting.

Finding Empathy and Compassion in Story

Moving to a new place has it's ups and downs but one of the things I love about moving is all of the new people we get to meet and all of the life stories we get to start learning.
Shaun and I were wandering around old book stores on our anniversary last weekend. I am a reader.  I love everything about books.  I love the smell. I love the way pages feel.  I love gaining knowledge. But more than anything,  I love knowing stories about people's lives.   I still haven't adjusted to reading books on a device.  I don't think I ever will.  I just love everything about a real live book. Anyway, I digress...
As I looked at the plethora of books on the shelves and began to read titles I had this moment standing right there in that used bookstore.  I am now working at a church. I purpose most every day to stop and hear somebody's story...or at least the part of the story that they want to share.  Lately, we've been having a story with missing links.  We've been sleuthing it out a bit, trying to find the missing pieces. I've been listening a lot to the story.  I've been  looking at it from all different angles.  I've been trying  to hear the heart of the matter more than the details.  You see, I think, when it comes to people, we often hear their bluster and anger, if they're upset, more than their heart...what they're really saying. In several situations lately, I've had to step back, put my personal feelings aside, and try and find the bottom line.  What's the story here?  And here is where, standing in that bookstore, I had this moment. In order to keep my compassion for people and not get cynical...I need to take time to hear their story. I need to take the time to understand their bottom line. ...their motives. I need to understand their "how" and "why".  I may not be able to do a thing about it and I may never agree but at least I will understand. I find, when I understand someone I have a much harder time getting frustrated and upset with them.  It doesn't mean I agree with them or that I can, even, do anything to change anything...but I can at least understand so that, mentally, I don't write them off and so I can have the mental tenacity to keep going with them.  I can still have empathy and compassion.
Here are two examples I can think of off of the top of my head that aren't interpersonal, but more geopolitical.  Awhile back, when we lived in the Lower Mainland of British Columbia, we had some students live with us.  One of the students was from China.  He was a Communist. His father loved Mao...worshipped him actually.  Now for me, as an American and a Christian, I came at that from an angle of not understanding. I did not understand how a person could be a Communist instead of fighting them tooth and nail.  I grew up during the Cold War.  Communist were evil really. What they stood for was awful. What they did was awful...the torture and persecution of Christians that is still going on today under Communism is something that troubles me greatly.  Over my life I have spent time praying and given money to help these people. I met Christians who had been tortured and beaten and imprisoned for simply being Christians while I was in Russia in 1994.  I saw the scars on their backs.  I looked in their eyes.  I could never understand how a person could be a Communist. All the books I read growing up, about Communism, were about people being rescued from them.  And here I was with one living in my home.  So, I began to ask him questions...through Google translate.  He began to tell me his family's story.  His father was now a very successful factory owner thanks to Communism.  His extended family was well taken care of now thanks to that success.  No one had to worry.  They were thankful to Mao for bringing the change needed (in their opinion) to their country.  He knew nothing about persecution.  He knew nothing bad about the 1 child policy...if you want more children you pay for more children...it's simple when you have the money...he knew nothing about forced abortions...all he knew was that he had much opportunity and his parents attributed it to Mao and Communism.  I still do not think Communism is good. But I now understand how people live under that system and don't fight it tooth and nail.  I looked a young man in the face and in the eyes and heard his story.
The other story is about a Bedouin chief who's village I went too while in Israel in May.  This man is a grandfather.  He has 5 wives, ranging in age, from 14 years old to his age.  He has 10 children (so far) and 140 grandchildren (so far). My daughter is 11.  She is only 3 years younger than that 14 year old girl married to an old man.  He has grandchildren her age.  I, honestly, thought she was one of his granddaughters...then I heard she was his newest wife! WHAT? Everything in me, as a woman and a mother of daughters, recoils at that.  EVERYTHING.  I have read about and educated myself on child brides.  In our world it is repulsive.  In our world it is unnecessary.  But as I asked many questions (not to the sheik as women don't talk to sheiks...only men...I asked our fixer and our leader) a story emerged that had angles I hadn't thought of. The sheik needed someone who could care for him through his entire life....someone to be healthy and well and  young was needed to be able to do this...this is not a new thing.  Parents arrange marriages, in the Bedouin culture, so that their daughters have a secure future and won't be left destitute...not for love.  This 14 year old (I don't know how old she was when she married him...) would be well provided for.  She had status and standing...and this sheik was wealthy (not by our standards...but by theirs) and well respected.  That is everything in her culture.  Now, as a mother, I can understand that logic.  I want my daughters to be well taken care of and to have every opportunity.  I still don't agree with it...and fortunately I have the luxury to not have too.  But now I understand how they came to that decision.
This is why "story" is so important on all levels of our lives...from interpersonal to geopolitical to belief systems.  We CANNOT solve problem without all the angles.  The best way I've heard it described is that problems are like a belt. In order to find truth and the whole council of God, we need to be able to see the story from each belt loop...and with all that information we will be able to find truth.
When I remember to take the time to hear "story" ...each time my life is enriched and I gain understanding...and compassion and empathy...and I care...and I am calibrated once again...no longer navel gazing.     

It's Been Awhile and Never Say Never

I think this is the longest I've gone without posting since 2006!  That's how crazy life has been!  So since January life has shifted...massively! At the end of April Shaun was offered a job. We wrestled and prayed and wrestled some more...this job would mean a whole shift of life! On May 3rd we hopped on a plane to Israel. Before we left we decided to take the job.  We were gone for 2 weeks.  A week after we got back Shaun headed off to Alberta to begin his new job.  I stayed and closed down our business, packed the house, said goodbye, and waited for the school year to end.  The school year ended abruptly and early due to the teachers' strike. We said goodbye to our beloved community and we struck out for Alberta.
In all, I counted 35 people who helped us either pack, clean, watch the girls, load the truck, unpack, feed us, help find a job, write my resume, write referrals...We were needy and our community, both in BC and in Alberta, has really been such a gift to us...a balm to the heart.  Couldn't have done it without any of you.
As I sit here typing I am struck by all that has occurred.  We didn't, honestly, know if this was the right thing to do but we kept walking through doors and they kept flying open.  It still grieves us deeply to have left our community.  But, I can say that I have seen God's hand in all of it...even when I didn't want too.  We left Alberta 10 years ago for several reasons and said "Never again!".  Well many of those "We will never again..." have just happened...so I guess the old adage holds "Never say never!".
We are looking forward to seeing what it is that God has for us here.  But I can say with full confidence He does have something for us here. To many things have happened that we can see His fingerprints on.
Shaun's job is good...busy. He is thriving and learning.  The girls are doing well. We have them on a wait list for the Christian school that their cousins go too.  I am well also.  I just accepted a full time  job today that I'm pretty excited about.  I will be working at a church as the Worship Arts Ministry Assistant.  It's right up my alley.  I am thrilled to be going back into something were my heart is as well as my training.  But with that comes some big changes. I haven't worked outside the home since the girls were born.  It will be a juggle when they are not in school.  But I am trusting that it will all work out and that this is the best for them as well.
We are enjoying being near to Shaun's brother and family.  Very thankful for each one of them.

Anyway, I must get back to unpacking!  Must get my house ship-shape before I begin work in 3 weeks!

Hope In the Midst of it all.

I was texting a friend this morning. She asked me how I was.  My response pretty much sums up right now,

        "I'm good! Just sorting out the last year. Looking at lessons that I need to learn from it. It wasn't a fun year. There were good moments and God was with us...but it's a year that I'm leaving feeling weary. I'm looking forward to this new year.  I have hope for this year."

I've gotten pretty introspective over the Christmas Break.  I've spent a lot of time in prayer. I've spent a lot of time in contemplation.  I am still in that mode.  It's been so good to quiet my soul and withdraw from the normal routine for a bit.  It's been so good to actually be still enough to hear God's voice. It's refreshing.  It's healing.
2013 was a year of hard work. It was a year where I had to look at my dreams and goals and look them square in the face and let many of them go.  It was heartbreaking and exhausting in the moment.    When you hold so tightly to something for so many years that's the result when you don't see it coming to fruition.  I had to face exactly where I was standing in that moment not where I wanted to be instead.  It's letting go of pride.  And yet, in the midst of letting go God gave me so many sweet moments.  He carried me.  He encouraged me in ways that no one could.  He gave me hope as no one can.  In the midst.  He used many people, that he has placed strategically in my world, to bless me and encourage me to keep going and that we would make it...and there were people to teach me.
This last year was a year that I was rushing around like a crazy person doing all the things I "should" do. I got so caught up in the "should" that I never stopped to see if I was actually doing any good in all the craziness.  The result is exhausting.
So this year of 2014 my personal goals are along the lines of stopping and listening more.  To quiet my soul.  To have less "I need to do" and ask more "What would You have me do today?" "What did you create me to do today?"
I'm not interested in being exhausted for the sake of looking good on the outside.  I am interested in pursuing God and seeing what it is that He would have me do.   He is a much more gracious taskmaster to me than I am to myself.
In letting go of those things that I needed to let go of and all the fear that went with that...fear of failure...I am able to see more clearly. I am able to have a much clearer mind...less fog.  My mind is not full of what I'm failing at and the weight on my shoulders that comes with that.
As I was looking back over the year all the things that were so very stressful...God took care of.  He has blessed me with gracious people in my life who see my flaws and who don't kick me when I'm down but instead help to life me up.  He has given me the most amazing husband a girl could ask for. I learn so much from this gracious, funny, kind, sweet, forbearing husband of mine.  He has blessed me with 2 beautiful daughters who amaze me every day.  The three people who are in my world every day are magnificent gifts from a magnificent God. He knew that I needed them.

As I read through my Bible  and live my life I keep seeing God's graciousness.  I see His mercy.  He does not give me what I deserve.   I see His love towards  us.  I see Him carry me and bear my burdens when I let Him. I see Him singing over me.  I see Him rejoicing over me. He never changes.  The verse that keeps going round and round in my brain is this...the Lord speaking,

"Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."  

~ Matthew 11:28-30 ~

I just finished reading a book called Needless Casualties of War by John Paul Jackson.  Something that captured my attention (well one of the many things) was this

"Everything I do is to seek to know God's heart, to learn what revelations or miracles He wants to accomplish. And then I try to participate with Him in advancing the Kingdom of God...over the years I have discovered a simple truth: whatever you focus on, you steer towards...Whatever you fix your attention upon will consume you. It's true in the natural  and in the spiritual. Scripture encourages us to focus our attention on Jesus, who is altogether lovely, true, noble, just, pure, virtuous, ad praiseworthy. he has a good report...Frankly, my determined focus is to seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, humble myself, and pray, I also focus on my need to live a holy life unto God and to pursue peace. God's word speaks of humbling ourselves before our Creator and one another. If we do, Scripture promises all these things will be given to us. Embracing a posture of humility and repentance will alter the atmosphere around us. God dwells with those who are contrite and humble"

Last year my focus was on the stress of situations.  I spent time praying but I was consumed with stress and the problems.  There is a lesson in there for me. It did no good to be consumed by those things.  It was a waste of time and energy. I do not enjoy waiting time or energy...they are precious commodities to me.  So along with so many who have gone before for time out of mind my determined focus is to seek first God's kingdom.  He has given me new eyes in this new year.

In that there is hope.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."  

~ Hebrews 12:1-3 ~

 

How do you spell...

This morning I was giving the little miss her pre-test for this week's spelling words.  They are not allowed to study for this. It kind of gauges how they have improved by the end of the week when their final test is given.
One of her words was Mississippi.
She wrote "Mrs. Sippy".
Best. Answer. EVER.

Heaven Shifts

A few days ago I had the privilege of being in a room of about 20 mighty women of God.  These girls are world changers.
We were at a birthday party. Let me tell you I love how these girls do birthday parties.  We brought lots of good eats.  We chatted for a little bit. Then we sat down and went around the room and each person present verbally blessed the birthday girl. And then the birthday girl verbally blessed us.
I love listening to people's stories.  This practice of verbally blessing someone gives the listener a chance to learn more of a person's store and how their story weaves into other people's stories.  I love listening to people share how others have touched their lives, made an impact, made it better, and have drawn the other closer to Jesus as a result.
We then prayed over the birthday girl. Have you ever been in a room with 20 women praying with all they have? If not I highly recommend it.  That night I saw and felt Heaven shift as these women prayed.  God met us there. One of the sweetest sounds all night came at a moment when we were all focused in on praying for the birthday girl...and then she started praying.  She began to pray over one of the dearest ones among us.  We had been gathered around our birthday girl and then as she began to pray I could hear the shuffling over of knees on the carpet as they gathered around this dear one.  It made my heart smile.  It touched me to the very deepest parts of my soul.
When women are united in one purpose...watch out world!  And when that purpose is around the purposes of God....I'm telling you, Heaven shifts.

I'm not very good at attending things that have no purpose other than to sit around and gossip.  Likely, I'm like this because I have learned the hard way that my tongue, when rudderless, will steer me in a destructive way, without exception.  I have to have purpose in what I'm doing.  I think this was another reason why I enjoyed this night so much.  This is not to say we didn't have many great laughs.  We were in no way serious the whole night. These girls know how to laugh! And laugh!

They know how to laugh and they know how to cry.  We need both. It weaves out hearts together. It goes a long way in refreshing our souls.

I pray that you have a night that you see Heaven Shift.

A Word Aptly Spoken

Proverbs 25:11 says "A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver."
This has been a verse that I've thought a lot about since I was about 10.  It's gone around and around in my head. This is probably the main thing I have asked God for in my life as far as character...I've asked for wisdom in words.  I've failed over and over and over and over again when I speak to people to boost their souls. I've failed relentlessly in this...giving a word fitly spoken.  But still I desire this.  I desire it strongly.   And I'm beginning to see that God is giving me one of my heart's desires that's for me.  We all have heart's desires for many circumstances and often they are for other people. But this is one of my strongest for me personally.  I am beginning to think it takes time to gain this gift.  It takes life experience so one has the compassion, experience, and wisdom to be able to speak these kinds of life-giving words.  
I think one of our biggest privileges is to be able to cheer each other on.  This week I got to sit down with a friend and we got to chat.  We got to sharpen each other.  It really set me to thinking even more about this.  What do I desire in a conversation?  I desire to walk away from it saying, "my soul was touched. I was sharpened. I was challenged. I was propelled towards Truth. But more than that...did I do that for my friend?  Did I give her just a little bit more courage to face the day?  Did I inspire her?" I often walk into a conversation with that prayer on my heart.  Sometimes I walk away from conversations having succeeded...most of the time I walk away saying "I shouldn't have said this this and this...it did not help my friend." As I have mentioned....I've failed a lot.  But I do have hope that as I keep seeking this it will happen more and more.

Thankful

A year ago this week the girls and I were in a car accident.  It was at a slow speed and we were rear-ended.  The girls seem fine.  I, on the other hand, have had a bit of a year. I got severe cervical whiplash.  A week after the accident I started throwing up all day and all night and didn't stop for 2 weeks. It awful.  It was disheartening.  It was hard.
The doctors didn't know why I was throwing up.  This had happened to me once before about 5 years back. At that time they put me on meds for an ulcer.  It calmed whatever it was down.  As they had no ideas what was the cause of this this round I mentioned that those particular meds had worked before so they gave them to me again.  It worked again.
In January we got a new family doctor and as we were going through my medical history she said she wanted me to have a battery of bloodwork done so she could start to get a grip on what might have caused the 2 weeks worth of throwing-up.  I went and had the bloodwork done.  She called me in very quickly and said that I need to go have an ultrasound done on my liver.  Something was not right.  My liver?  Huh?  Ok!
Move forward to May....I had the ultrasound and upon having it again I was called into the doctor's office very quickly.  What showed up was that I had a fatty liver.  They wanted to send me to a specialist. I was too young to have that so something was wrong.  I asked my doctor if a fatty liver had to do with being overweight. She assured me it did not.  It was either genetic or from drinking too much or from having Hep B or C.  I rarely drink...I don't have Hep B or C so...maybe it was genetic?  I asked her if this had anything to do with my gallbladder being taken out and the liver having to make up for the loss of that vital part of the body.  She really didn't know but maybe?  Did it have to do with doing the HCG diet and losing weight rapidly and then gaining it back rather rapidly?  Maybe.
It was a nerve-wracking time.  She scared me because of her deep concern and her quick movement on this.  I remember sitting in church one Sunday morning before any of this was clear other than there was something not right with my liver and the doctors were very concerned.  I had no idea if it was fixable.  That morning I faced my mortality.  I faced that this may be the time that I leave this earth.  I did a lot of soul searching sitting there in that morning service.  And God met me in that moment.  My soul found rest in Him. He took the anxiety. He took the fear. He took the gut-wrenching sadness. He taught me, in that moment, with more depth and clarity than any previous lessons...that no matter what He is there beside me.  There is no promise of ease. There is no promise of tomorrow. But there are promises of His right there every single step of the way.  There is a difference experiencing that.
I began to pray. I began to ask God to direct me in this path.  Others prayed with me.  Others cheered me on.  It's been a team event.
I started reading about what fatty livers are.  I started educating myself.  I went to a naturopath.  In my reading and from going to the naturopath I started to get a clearer picture of what a fatty liver was, what caused it, and what I needed to do to get better.  Because a fatty liver is the beginning of a journey that, if left, can lead to liver cancer.  I knew I did not want that!  The first step is a fatty liver (completely reversable), the next step is cirrhosis of the liver (scarring of the liver not so reversible but because your cells regenerate it is somewhat reversible around the scaring), and then on to liver cancer (not so reversible).
I started making changes to my diet. Mainly I started reducing gluten and sugars. I noticed a marked difference.   I started working out on purpose. :D  I started taking a liver support supplement from Usana (of which when I showed it to the naturopath he was amazed and said he didn't have a supplement that was more perfect! YAY!).
Yesterday I had my long awaited speciality appointment with a gastroenterologist.  I was nervous and scared. I had no idea what he/she would do to me in that appointment. I was only told it would take about an hour.
I sat down with her...I was happy this doctor was a her.  But I was still nervous.  I haven't had the best luck with doctors regarding my health.  I have found there are some excellent doctors who take the time to actually listen to someone about their own body and they work well with you.  Then there are the others who think they know everything because they carry the title doctor and they disregard the person who lives every single second of every day with the body they are discussing and making medical judgments on.  They are often wrong and  cause much harm....mainly due to their arrogance....even specialists.  Sound harsh to you?  Well that is experience speaking.  And yes I do feel rather strongly about this...I am happy to report that this specialist falls into the category of excellence.  She is good! I could see within the first 2 minutes. I could tell that a more naturopathic approach sat well with her and didn't clash.  This was a relief. I get so tired of doctors who will not integrate the two.  I see the absolute need for both.  But they are 2 very different disciplines.  One is for health and the other you need for sickness...I'll step down from my soapbox now :D
We went into her office and she started off my saying "I am amazed that they caught this at this stage. You are so very fortunate. For most people this is not caught until they are dying and there is nothing left to do.  Livers very rarely give any indication of a problem until it's too late. Plus you are so young."  She asked me how it had come about that I had gotten all the bloodwork and the ultrasound.  I explained.
She asked me what I had been doing (if anything) I explained about the gluten and sugar.  She said "WOW! I am so interested in this.  I'm interested to know this worked well." I explained so more things.  She was not antagonistic. She listened. She was interested.  And then she started to explain that the liver is allowed to leak a little bit. And since the liver is near bloodvessels when you take bloodwork you can get a good grasp on the amount it is leaking.  When you have bloodwork done your levels should be at 36 or below.  Mine was at 107.  She explained there are a few reasons for the lining of the liver walls to get inflamed: alcohol, genetic, Hep B or C or fat (added info that makes sense for me).  I said "It's fat!"  I could see she was bracing herself to have to explain this gently to me because I'm overweight and it likely is a touchy subject whenever she has to explain this.  She said she agreed. I asked her what I needed to do....she said she wants me to have some more bloodwork done. She wants to send me to a dietician.  And she wants to see me again in 3 months.
I told her I was thankful for any help.  She seemed relieved not to have to talk me into anything.
I have to say I walked out of there feeling lighter than I had in a year regarding this.  I hadn't realized how much it was worrying me until it wasn't.
So...another journey continues...the one of losing weight. But not just for losing weight's sake.
I am thankful.  I am thankful for all of you who cheered me on and will continue too. I am thankful for all of you who have prayed for me and who will continue too.
And oddly enough...I am thankful for that rear-ender.  I doubt I would have found a solution to this problem that has been in the making for about 12 years.
God is good.  When you can't see what He is doing...He is doing.  It's for your good.  He loves you more than you could possibly know.
I am thankful.

Summertime

Another school year has wrapped up.  In this house we will never again see Gr. 2 through our child's eyes.   It's always bittersweet isn't it.  Gr. 4 and Gr. 2 were, over-all, fantastic years for our girls....M, especially, had many giant leaps forward just in her love of the game called school.  Her teacher was exactly what she needed to gain back that enthusiasm. She finally saw what hard work could accomplish.
I think the absolute best moment of the school year for me was a couple of weeks ago she came bounding to the car with a paper waiving in her hand and a sweet smile of victory in her eyes.  She hopped in to the car and said, "MOM! I got 100% on my test!" There are a few things about that which are amazing.  First off, M has fought and fought and fought me since Kindergarten on studying for anything or even doing homework.  It has been painful. It took many more hours than it should have to get the studying done and then not always with good results on in marks.  It was discouraging and frustrating...maddening even. Second, I hadn't even known anything about this test. I usually start her studying for a test a couple of weeks before it will occur so that all the info is absorbed. It's 2 weeks of struggle.  Each test takes hours of my time and hers. So...I ALWAYS know when tests are.  I plan my life around them!
I must say it was a moment of profound relief for me, that 100% mark.  It told me we are getting places!  We'll make it. It gave me hope in this area that I have stressed and struggled and been at a loss in for 5 years...two of which were homeschool school years. The biggest relief was when I asked her if she had studied? She nodded her head proudly and said, "Yep! I've been studying every night for the last week!"  That's my girl!  It may seem very silly to derive such enjoyment and joy  from something so simple but it told me much about my girl.  But it brought tears to my eyes. I am thankful to be heading out of  this season with this dear daughter.
Gr. 2 was a struggle for my wee girl.  Over Spring Break is when I realized how stressed out she was over school.  She was a completely different child...happy, carefree, a smile on her face, her belly laugh ringing out.  As we headed closer and closer to going back to school the quieter she got.  That bothered me. I want my children to love learning.  To have it as a life-long pursuit you need to love it! I want to them to love learning. I want them to be students of life. They gotta love learning.  It distresses me to see that dimming.  It distressed me to see her isolating herself.  My little joy bubble and I had many lengthy conversations this year surrounding learning,  about friendships...she had many bumps along the way in that category this year...and that we love her.  I know she ended up alright, all around, but when your kids are upset it always upsets the mama bear. Her Daddy and her had many long conversations at tuck-in time, as well.  I am most pleased that it's summer time for my wee one.  She needed a break.
I have been very VERY blessed these last 2 months, or so, with a friend coming in most every day and helping me learn our new accounting software and helping me with in-putting ALL of 2012 in to it.  WOW! What an amazing gift that has been to me. We are just on the tail-end of finishing up 2012 and about ready to send it off to the accountant.  THAT will be a massive accomplishment.  MASSIVE! No one has seen me much over that time because I've been at my desk workin' like a crazy woman.  It's an accomplishment AND I feel a little nutty.  haha
The girls are at Horse Camp this week! They are loving every single second.  They came home yesterday bursting at the seams with all sorts of things to tell us about what they had learned to do with horses.  I loved hearing all about it.
We are so thankful to be fully immersed in our community.  It's so nice to once again have our entire lives be in our community.  This morning Shaun got to go and be a part of a surprise for a friend before work.  Can't do that if your community is not where you live. We go to the grocery store and more often than not see someone we know.  We drive around town and see someone driving along and wave...or race...either one. ;) It's really really nice.  We even have a doctor and a dentist who are both 5 minutes away.
The business is humming along. We are trying to learn to balance personal and business...it's a non-stop challenge. You think you've got it licked...and something comes along that reminds you that you are delusional! So we keep learning and growing and changing.  In other words...we keep on doing life :D.
I hope your summer is restful and rejuvenating.  

Reverse Engineering my Life Part 1

Throughout my life I have thought about reverse engineering my life. I understood this concept long before I heard this term. I think it's intrinsic to Christianity. What I mean by reverse engineering my life is to look at the last day of my life and work backwards. It's even in the name of this blog... everything I do is focused around this very thought. There is a specific reason for this focus...it's not for the last day of this life. It's so that my life doesn't simply pass me by. It's so that I live with purpose.  That purpose to the very reason I was created to be here in the first place...to bring honour, glory, blessing, and praise to my Creator.
And so I look at this. I ask questions like:
What do I want my last day to look like...no matter when it arrives?
What I need to do starting today to get to that place on the last day?
This kind of thinking provides great clarity in decision making...it clarifies the details.  
Do you know that this type of thinking is not our cultural norm anymore?  Do you know why?  Because we have taken eternity out of our dialogue.  So most people have the philosophy of "eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow we die." 
This is the first time in most of the earth's history that this is so.  

As I have mentioned in a previous post, I read the book Heaven by Randy Alcorn.  I was listening to the first lecture he gave, at Cornell University, yesterday. It is an hour long and it is so good that the time flies by lickety-split.  Below are some of the quotes he uses in that lecture: 

C.S. Lewis said, in his book, The Weight of Glory, 

"At present we are on the outside of the world, the wrong side of the door.  We discern the freshness and purity of morning, but they do not make us fresh and pure. We cannot mingle with the splendours we see. But all the leaves of the New Testament are rustling with the rumor that it will not always be so. Some day, God willing , we shall get it."

The Valley of Vision: Puritan Prayers, from the 17th and 18th century has a prayer that says

 "O Lord, I live as a fish in a vessel of water, only enough to keep me alive, but in heaven I shall swim in the ocean.Here I have a little air in me to keep me breathing, but there I shall have sweet and fresh gales; Here I have a beam of sun to lighten my darkness, a warm ray to keep me from freezing; yonder I shall live in warmth and light for ever.Quicken my hunger and thirst after the realm above."

Cyprian in AD 240 said

 "Let us greet the day which assigns each of us to our own home, which snatches us from this place and sets us free from the snares of the world and restores us to the paradise and the kingdom. Anyone who has been in foreign lands longs to return to his own native land...we regard paradise as our native land."

2 Corinthians 5:6, 8 says,

 "So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord...Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord."

Hebrews 11:13-19 NLT says, 

"All these people died still believing what God had promised them. They did not receive what was promised, but they saw it all from a distance and welcomed it. They agreed that they were foreigners and nomads here on earth. ¹⁴ Obviously people who say such things are looking forward to a country they can call their own. ¹⁵ If they had longed for the country they came from, they could have gone back. ¹⁶ But they were looking for a better place, a heavenly homeland. That is why God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them."

Randy Alcorn writes in his book  Heaven 

"Nothing is more often misdiagnosed than our homesickness for heaven. We think that what we want is sex, drugs, alcohol, a new job, a raise, a doctorate, a spouse, a plasma television, a new car, a cabin in the woods, a condo at the beach. But what we really want is the person we were made for, Jesus, and the place we were made for, heaven.Nothing less can satisfy us."

Joni Eareckson Tada writes in her book Heaven: Your Real Home,

 "When a Christian realizes his citizenship is in Heaven, he begins acting as a responsible citizen on earth. He invests wisely in relationships because he knows they're eternal. His conversations, goals and motives become pure and honest because he realizes these will have a bearing on everlasting reward. He gives generously of time, money, and talent because he's laying up treasure for eternity. He spreads the good news of Christ because he longs to fill Heaven's ranks with his friends and neighbours.  All this serves the pilgrim well not only in heaven, but on earth; for it serves everyone around him."

A.W. Tozer says in his essay The World to Come,

 "Let no one apologize for the powerful emphasis Christianity lays upon the doctrine of the world to come. Right there lies its immense superiority to everything else within the whole sphere  to human thought and experience. When Christ arose from death and ascended in to heaven He established forever three important facts; namely that this world has been condemned to ultimate dissolution, that the human spirit persists beyond the grave and that there is indeed a world to come.         The church is constantly being tempted to accept this world (as it now is) as her home, and sometimes she has listened to the blandishments of those who would woo her away and use her for their own ends. But if she is wise she will consider that she stands in the valley between the mountain peaks of eternity past and eternity to come. The past is gone forever and the present is passing as swift as the shadow of the sun dial of Ahaz. Even if the earth should continue on a million years, not one of us could stay to enjoy it. We do well to think of the long tomorrow."

Charles Spurgeon said 

"To come to Thee is to come home from exile, to come to land out of the raging storm, to come to rest after long labour, to come to the goal of my desires and the summit of my wishes."

John 14:1-3 says 

"Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God;^[a] believe also in me. ² In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you?^[b] 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also."

In The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis he says, 

"Heaven is not a state of mind. Heaven is reality itself. All that is fully real is Heavenly. For all that can be shaken will be shaken and only the unshakeable remains."

David said in Palm 39:4-5, 

“O Lord, make me know my end    and what is the measure of my days;    let me know how fleeting I am!⁵ Behold, you have made my days a few handbreadths, and my lifetime is as nothing before you.Surely all mankind stands as a mere breath!"

James 4:14 says 

"yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes."

The apostle Paul said as he is waiting to be beheaded by the command of Nero 2 Timothy 4:6-8, 

"...the time of my departure has come. ⁷ I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. ⁸ Henceforth there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will award to me on that Day, and not only to me but also to all who have loved his appearing."

Aristides (someone assessing Christians not as one who believed the same), AD 125 said 

"If any righteous man among the Christians passes from this world, they rejoice and offer thanks to God, and they escort his body with songs and thanksgiving as if he were setting out from one place to another nearby."

F.B. Meyer a few days before his death, wrote to a friends,

 "I have just heard, to my great surprise, that I have but a few days to live. It may be that before this reaches you, I shall have entered the palace. Don;t trouble to write. We shall meet in the morning."

Bede the Venerable in AD 700, said in his All Saints Day Sermon, 

"A great multitude of dear ones is there expecting us; a vast and mighty crowd of parents, brothers and children, secure now for their own safety, anxious yet for our salvation, long that we may come to their right and embrace them, to that joy which will be common to us and to them."

Isaiah 25: 7-8 says, 

"And he will swallow up on this mountain    the covering that is cast over all peoples,    the veil that is spread over all nations.⁸  He will swallow up death forever; 

and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces,    and the reproach of his people he will take away from all the earth,    for the Lord has spoken."

Topics on the Radio

So, I listen to CBC for about 10-15 minutes per day.  The topics are interesting. I like to know what is being discussed in our world and I find that one of the ways to find out.  The topics lately have been euthanasia ("self-chosen death")  cryogenics (freezing someone so that when we discover a better way to cure them or a better time to live in they can be, in theory, revived and live forever), political leaders and either their race, gender, or sexual persuasion...and how this affects their political career and our views of them as a culture, abortion, oh! and why is it that our tax system is geared towards married people...it's really unfair to the majority who is now single.  

Yeah! So, I have MANY thoughts on these topics.  But, really, they are very bizarre topics.  I have about gone through the roof on the logic given by some of the people being interviewed.  But, for me, it does force me to have to think through these things and not just have a gut reaction (of rage mostly, if I'm honest).  It forces me to sit down and think through these things and have a more succinct answer instead of only emotion.  It hasn't changed my views one smidgen. 

It also has, often, brought deep sadness and distress to my heart that these are the topics that our world is discussing because it shows so much pain and hopelessness.  

Each one of these topics has a solution that offers hope.  And that solution is the same for each of these topics...His name is Jesus.

It always it Jesus.      

A Moment in Church

Yesterday was our day of the week we set aside to Sabbath ..to rest, refresh. We go to church in the morning.  No, I don't always anticipate this. In fact the last year has been somewhat challenging for me to do this because we have been in a new church.  I haven't felt quite at home yet. That takes time.  But it is something that is important...no it's more than important.  I need that bolstering of my spirit each Sunday.  I need that time.  I always find that when I don't want to go the most is when I need to be there the most.
Yesterday, I was nearly in tears from one simple thing. I was in church and we were singing.  I love singing.  As I've mentioned, I feel God's pleasure most when I sing. I love the richness of Christian music. It has heart, hope, meaning, and joy.  I have listened to so much heartbreaking music. Music reflects a soul more easily than any other thing.    Anyway, this Sunday morning singing was...well it was even more lovely than normal.  I was surrounded by men who were beautiful singers.  Now that may sound odd especially if you don't go to church.  But let me explain.  These men (one of which was my husband) were singing praise with their whole heart and they were each harmonizing differently and perfectly.  It was not only beautiful to my ears but to my heart.  It was one of those moments.
 For most of my growing up years men were in church, absolutely! But there seemed to always be more women.  So when I would stop and listen to those singing around me women's voices were predominant. ALWAYS.  Yesterday, that was NOT the case.  I was in a room full of people...over a thousand. The service was full.  And the predominant voices I could hear (not just near me but overall) were men.  It was awesome!
Corporate worship is invaluable.  The corporate gathering is necessary.  It's not any less powerful or unique that my daily meetings with God one on one...it's different. It's a different part of my soul that is met.
Hebrews 10:25
Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.