The Journey to Home

What I Learned from 2011

2012-01-03T13:33:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! Wow! 2011 was a humdinger of a year and I can't say I'm sad to see it go...well it was a humdinger and a gooder. Doesn't it always seem that way...there are always two sides to the coin. There were many lessons learned through pain, stress and tears. There were many blessing given in the midst of all of that. There was massive massive stretching and changing. In it all I really didn't have much to say as I got really tired of the same story of "ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" running through my heart and mind. But in the end I still can say, with unequivocal confidence, that God is...He is my Saviour, my provider, my sustainer, my joy, my comfort, my peace...the list is endless.
I was pondering all that was this year and thinking about what I learned (or am still learning).

*Shaun and I, in the midst of the intensity called our lives this past 12 months, really have had nothing more to give other than grinding out the daily stuff and keeping our home a happy home and a haven no matter what. Some people were not ok with that. They want you to give to them...even when you don't have more to give. I had to come to a place where I was ok with them not being ok with me! I had to come to a place of choosing my husband and my children over others. It was (and honestly, still is at times) very uncomfortable but it's what needs to happen right now.

*We grappled with many things this year as far as direction for our family. We grappled with continuing to homeschool or sending the girls to school. They had been on a waitlist for 3 years and both had a space available to them. In the end sending them to that school has been a massive blessing and gift. It is a fantastic school with phenomenal families...but I couldn't sleep, I cried, I worried, I stressed over that decision. We grappled with staying in Langley as opposed to moving back closer to our church. We are still grappling with that but it looks like, at least, for the next 13 years we'll be in Langley..and I'm ok with that...I'm more than ok with that...I'm good with that. There were several other issues equally as heavy or heavier that were on the list this year that we worked through but those are two of the more obvious ones.

*I am still learning that worry doesn't add one minute to my life nor is it at all helpful. I am really good at working myself up into a tizzy over something that is completely rocking my world. I am learning however, that, in the end, it's not necessary and really REALLY does more harm than good.

*We are learning to be business owners instead of just going from job to job...we are starting to have a viable business and we are starting to actually have business heads. It's hard work, it's exhausting, it's a non-stop challenge, and it's fun. It's mostly fun because I get to do it with my best friend. I'm never-endingly amazed at how our complement each others...we have completely different strengths and weaknesses but it works so very well. We are the best of partners...this year we learned not to mess with that. If it ain't broke...

*I am learning that setting goals really does work...even when it doesn't seem possible or make sense to even bother. I've always set goals...but only safe ones that I knew would be hit because failure was not an option. That's changed.

*I am learning that even though I am an adult and can do things it is SUPER amazing and nice to get help. We received a lot of help this year in pretty much every area you can think of. You know when you are most down and someone reaches a hand down to you and helps...it is a soothing balm and the greatest expression of love, kindness and mercy. We were offered hands of help over and over and over this year.

*I learned I don't have to be best friends with everyone. It's perfectly fine. I don't even have to like everyone. I can still be kind and thoughtful...but I don't have to like 'em and they don't have to like me...I'm ok with that now. It's even somewhat of a relief if I'm completely honest. It frees up so much mental space for me and makes room for those absolutely amazing people that come along.

*I'm learning to be more of a yes girl and less of a no girl. My first response has generally been a negative one. This one trait has often made it so I have missed out on many amazing experiences and really living life...I more observed it and stayed safe. Now don't get me wrong, in spite of myself, my life has pretty much been one amazing experience after another but there could have been more. And I found myself hiding more than even I was prone too out of habit. This last year I started saying "yes" a lot more and boy where there some fun times had because of it. And I'm not talking about saying "yes" in-spite of morals or ethics...I'm just talking about good old wholesome fun. There is lots to be had. This year I called more on my outgoing side of my personality than my shyer side. It was fun.

*I have observed and learned this last year that letting go of something makes room...either for just having space (literally in my house or mentally, or in my soul) or for something else that is usually better for this moment. I let go of a lot this year...weight, stuff, homeschooling, a house,friendships, the way things "should" be, insecurities...there is still more to let go of but I am getting better at it...and, dare I say, even enjoying it! Such freedom!

*I am still learning that God knows me so much better than anyone else...including myself. He knew what I would need way before I did. Our track record with each other is getting longer and longer and I must say...His record is impeccable while mine is quite dotty. He gave me so many gifts this year that were so beyond what I could have even thought to ask for. And He used amazing people to give them too me.

*I'm learning that sometimes life takes more courage than you think you have, more intestinal fortitude that you could ever come up with, and more stick too it ness than you could ever dream of. Our motto this last year was "KEEP GOING!" And it was repeated often out loud to each other sometimes with a laugh and a smile but sometimes with tears and pain...one step in front of the other...KEEP GOING!

*I've learned a new way to look at failure and a new way to teach about it to our children. Failure is good! It means you're working hard and trying. You're getting somewhere. Failure is good as long as you get up and dust yourself off and KEEP GOING and learn.

So I leave you with that...Keep Going. Keep (or start) praying. Keep Learning. The Author and Finisher is still working. He is still God. He hears you if you call.
There is so much more to this life and the best is yet to come.
Happy 2012!

A season of no coffee dates.

2011-10-10T22:58:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you just have to work harder than you've ever worked and learn more than you thought you could possibly absorb. There is no margin. Sometimes.
Lately...we've been busier than we've ever allowed ourselves to be. I really don't feel like I have time for anything other than the necessities... I don't have time for a cup of coffee with a friend it seems. I have, however, been drinking lots of coffee but it's by myself in the office while I'm working away.
The good news is this...we are building this business. The girls are thriving in school. We have an established routine. Our home is a peaceful place. We are blessed. It's for a season...and when this season is more smoothed out I know those friends will still be there to have coffee with because, as I mentioned, we are blessed. One of those blessings...good friends to have coffee with even if there are long gaps in-between coffee dates.
So for now, I am content to work hard with no coffee dates.
There will come a new season soon enough...a season which allows for those longed for coffee dates. I look forward to them with great anticipation.

First Day of School Tomorrow

2011-09-05T22:12:00.000-07:00

The girls begin their school adventures tomorrow...away from home.
We've been homeschooling for the past 2 years. One is so excited she had a hard time sleeping (the little miss) and one had a hard time sleeping because she is anxious and scared and not wanting to go (the eldest miss). All was well until it was time to lay out their clothes for the morning. She went to do it and came back in tears. She just couldn't hold it together anymore. It took me by surprise and completely upset me...although I hid it well...I hope. I am already very nervous and anxious, myself, about this and have had many sleepless nights since we decided to do this last April.
Both girls will be in school all day. We've never had this experience before. Most parents get the gradual release (if mom doesn't work outside the home) of first preschool for a few hours a day and then kindergarten for a few more hours a day... This will be an all at once thing. I shall miss my girls. See I'm getting all tear-eyed just thinking about it. I shall miss teaching them. I shall miss the giggles and moments that happen when you least expect it. I know they'll be home in the evening...but I will miss them all day. Never thought I'd say that! When they were babies these days seemed so very very far away. Now they are upon me and I'm all choked up!
You may ask "whatever will you do with all your free time?" haha...very funny! I will be working in the office that would eat me alive if it could. So that is my answer..."What free time?"
~let the adventure begin and may God grant us the wisdom to traverse it with grace~

busy Busy BUSY!!!!

2011-09-01T14:41:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been...

-taking the girls to swimming lessons. They loved every second and how I loved watching them love every second.

-we haven't done taxes yet so I've been getting that together to hand off to the bookkeeper

-getting the girls ready to head off to school next Tuesday...and I've been surprised at the emotion it's bringing out in me...I already miss them and yet I'm super excited for them. I loved every second of my academic career and I am praying they are the same...that this time 'round they will have teachers that are perfect for them and that they will find a lovely friend(s) among their classmates. It's hard handing off our precious girls to a stranger for the school day.

-catching up on office work from our lovely time away. Being on the steep learning curve that I am on this is not as simple as it sounds,but we are thankful for all of the work coming our way and that requires all that office work.

-trying to fit as many "fun mom" things in with the girls as possible all the while doing the above, oh, and canning.

-growing a garden

-having fires in the backyard and roasting s'mores.

-having family weekends with just the 4 of us...heavenly

-having a visit from my mom where we got to go out to lunch just the two of us...that was nice and a long time in coming.

-buying 60lbs of peaches. Tomorrow, if they're ready, I intend to put them up for winter...picture it with me: peach cobbler, peach smoothies, peach pie, mmmmmm just peachy peachiness.

-making strawberry jam (which turned out more like strawberry syrup...but it's still yummy) AND raspberry jam...which is perfect if I do say so myself. I've also been enjoying the irony of making the strawberry jam with pectin and the raspberry jam without pectin...and they turned out the exact opposite of what you would think they would given that.

-trying to find the balance in life...if I wanted to I could be in the office 10 + hours a day. But I have children to cuddle, cook for, love, and take care, as well as a husband to...well...love...and a house to try and keep in some semblance of order...and then there are all the other things like well...God, my soul, family, friends, eating healthily so I don't just pack right back on the pounds that I worked so hard to get off, and exercise and on and on and those are not in any order of importance...I have no idea how to do all of those things and the "on and on" in any kind of balanced way. I'm a focuser. I don't know if that is a word...but I focus on one thing very VERY intensely and get it done and then move on to the next thing and repeat. I can't do that with the above mentioned things. If doesn't work.

-looking forward to trip down to Palm Desert for my Grandpa's 81st birthday at the end of September. Everything is booked as of today. Fantastic!

In all of this I am really savoring the moments and enjoying the lasts and the firsts. I am spending a lot of time praying.

It Happened in Italy by Elizabeth Bettina

2011-07-30T10:09:00.000-07:00

I saw this book when I was out with my friend. I was caught by the title and subtitle. I love Italy...but then the subtitle read "the untold stories of how the people of Italy defied the horrors of the holocaust". Now I've read a lot of stories about the holocaust. The last story I read was was called The Zookeeper's Wife. That's a great read! It's heart wrenching. The best and worst of what it means to be human shines through. In the end I am so thankful I read it. The last holocaust movie I saw was The Boy in the Striped Pajamas. Heart breaking!
This one was completely completely different from any other holocaust story I have ever read or heard about. I didn't know this story and while it was not terribly well written the stories that came through were absolutely incredible! I am so thankful that my friend bought this for me. Well well worth my time...and yours!

Portia...a dichotomy in human form.

2011-07-27T12:06:00.000-07:00

Portia has been driving me absolutely mental lately. It's like everything that is annoying...she does!!! Over and over and over and over and over again. She's really cute and very charming but when I'm tired. Oye! And I've been tired a lot lately because she has been coughing at night and I've been up 3 or 4 or 5 or 7 times a night.
The banging on everything that she can because "I'm making a drum mama and I need the different sounds". The screaming at the top of her lungs in the truck "because it's fun mama". Pulling down my wedding dress and ripping the bag because she just needed to see my dress and play with my vale. Taking stuff out of the office over and over and over again and making her own office. Taking all the cutlery and plates outside to play with because she is "making a stew and I need something to serve it on". The other day she was trying to smell my armpits because "I needed to know what they smelled like mama!" of course you did Portia!
You have to give it to her. She is absolutely creative. She is always creating new things to do and I love that. It's just really really noisy and I can never find anything or when I do find it it's all used up or broken, or ripped. Like the brand new bottle of shampoo that I had bought the day before...she took a bath and used the entire bottle. I usually have another bottle on hand but because we have had one vehicle and Shaun had been working from sunrise to sunset getting to the store has not happened...so we were out!!! *sigh* good thing she's cute. I think she's been quite exhausted and I've been working A LOT! So that combo adding in me being tired makes for just a lot of ....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
She was up on stage this last weekend at church during the service and in the front row there was a rather heavy lady and Portia leaned over to her friend and pointed straight at the lady and whispered "look at the fat lady"...not once but 4 times. I about DIED! Who taught her that? On another note she was wearing a shirt that was too big and she said, "I think I am losing weight mom...my shirt's too big." Shaun and I (in the midst of this diet) must be talking about that sort of stuff WAY TOO MUCH! We have stopped! NOW! I sat both the girls down and told them they have nothing to worry about, Daddy and I were just working on that for us and no kids need to worry about it.
Lying: dealt with that this week as well with little Miss P. I asked her a point blank question and she point blank lied 3 times. Then she told the truth...after standing in the corner for 30 minutes we talked and she said very sweetly "But I've gotten away with lying before mom." ACK! I was a bit speechless. And then I talked to Shaun and I then went back to her and said, "I will not always know when you are lying. God will know but I may not always. But if you lie it will always be in the back of my brain and I won't be able to trust you. Do you understand what that means? Life will not be as fun because I won't be able to trust you." "Ok Mama."
Today she took all her toys out and laid them on a blanket and priced them for a garage sale. She then came and asked if she could go door to door in our cul-de-sac and invite people to her garage sale. I love that! It's all kids toys so I let her knock on the neighbor's door who actually has kids.
She finds creative ways to get what she thinks up done...no matter how unhelpful us adults are. And she has a VERY particular way in mind of doing whatever it is at the moment she has thought up. There is not an easy way of swaying her from it...although Mercedes seems to have developed a knack for bringing her around to her way of thinking...and she is reasonable as long as she can see the reason.
She is a strong, independent, feisty, and smart little girl. I admire all of those qualities. I never want her to lose one of those. I would, however, like to steer them in the correct direction. Needing wisdom. Pray for us if you think of it.
In the midst of all of that she is a very caring, loving, creative, leader, compassionate, laughter-filled little joy bundle. She is ever exploring EVERYTHING in her world and how it works. I pretty much enjoy every second...even in the "driving me mental" moments. I am pretty much always amazed by her. She's quite tiny and kids often treat her as much younger than she is...but she quickly makes them realize who she is and what she stands for...someone to be reckoned with. She can definitely stand on her own two feet. And then on the other-hand she has a fragile sensitive side. She's a dichotomy..and I have to say I totally get it...she's a little spitting image of me on the inside...except I think she may just be quite a bit smarter.

Excited! Update on the business.

2011-07-27T11:34:00.000-07:00

This week darling husband and I have been organizing all the jobs that are on the dockets. It's exciting! There are enough jobs to keep up quite entertained in the organizational field. We are excited! It is very fun! It looks like we have hired 2 great guys and that is what we've been needing...one a Carpenter and one a carpenter's helper. Wow, after so many months (and years) it's finally starting to come together.
We don't mind this type of work....the type where things are actually progressing...it's hard hard work still. I won't lie. But it energized both of us because we enjoy it and it's actually going somewhere. We're not working excessively hard only to go in circles. Now we get to go more in-depth in the management part of things and hone our skills there.
Owning your own business is like nothing else. They can't prepare you for it in school. The learning is done in the trenches. It's long hours and non-stop for quite a long while. But there are perks too. You're time is more your own even though it is more taken up...if that makes sense. While you work looooong hours, you choose when you work those hours. We like it. We would rather be building our own business than someone else's any day. So we keep going. And for the first time we are beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel.
We're a bit giddy about that. And thankful. So. Very. Thankful...to Him who is able to do more than we can think or ask. To Him be the glory, honour, and praise.

Goings Ons

2011-07-18T16:59:00.000-07:00

My Dad and Rosie came to visit us for 5 days. We had a great time! It was so lovely to see them! So happy they were able to come.
I bought our eldest her first training bra. She's 8! Now let me explain. She likely doesn't need one quite yet....getting there though. However, what propelled me into buying some is this...she has grown into a size that is not in the little girl's section anymore and that seems to mean that the material is more see- through. It REALLY irks me. My darling 8 year old being sexualized (see this blog for more thoughts on that) Come on PEOPLE! So for modesty sake etc. we have training bras at 8 or tank tops underneath shirts. It was a bit traumatic for me, super exciting for her, jealousy inducing for her sister, and terrifying for her dad. Between that and not being sure if the shoes I am looking at at the front door are hers or mine...she's growing up waaaaaaay too fast...but she's so much fun.
The girls went to Vacation Bible School this last week. They loved! it. Loved it! We left the house each morning at around 6:30 am took Shaun to work (as we have the one vehicle right now) and then we didn't get home until about 10 pm on most of the nights. It was an absolute blast of a week. I got coffee dates with so many of my girls. My soul was completely filled with my friends' love and care. We're tired this week but it was so worth it...and we have the luxury of time to recover.
The girls and I LOVED LOVED LOVED getting to see Shaun for many more hours a day last week. We probably got up to 3 hours more a day with him than normal and it was when he wasn't unspeakably exhausted. It made us realize anew how much of a grind life has been lately and the little gifts, like that time,...make such a difference.
Don't judge me: Portia is finally out of pull-ups! Yes! I do know she is 6! I could give you may excuses but it comes down too Shaun and I were just too lazy to get her out of them. M got herself out of them...Portia not so much. Anyway, it really wasn't much work once we did it. It was the year of convincing that was hard. :D. She's really quite proud of herself though.
At VBS this last week Portia accepted Jesus as her forever friend, her leader, and her forgiver...she did it before. But this was meaningful to her so we marked it. And mentally, I think this time she marked it. I can't tell you what that means to me. I look forward to spending eternity with our daughters. May she walk as a mighty warrior princess to the King of Kings always.
The business is hopping. Very thankful for that. We are still playing catch-up but slowly we are getting there. It is encouraging!

Now if only I could find the cord I need to download pictures off of my camera so I could show you what I mean!

We are blessed beyond measure. I wake up every morning and pinch myself and thank God for all that He has given us...even the not so fun stuff. In the end He sees the big picture while I see only a pixel at a time.

A Friend in Your Time of Need

2011-06-28T10:57:00.000-07:00

Today I got a call from one of my dearest friends. I had put a call into her and not 5 minutes later she called me back! It was like a refreshing rain (if you live in the desert) or (if you live where I live and it rains all the time) a blue-sky sunshiny day after many many days of grey and rain.
We chatted and chatted and shared experiences that we have had in common recently. We listened to each other's stories...and you know what? She doesn't live next door to me. In fact, she lives on the other side of Canada...we are on opposite coasts. I wish she lived next door. But perhaps in heaven we can dash over to each other's houses and have a coffee or tea, laugh and cry, and give each other a hug but for now that phone call was a life-line for me.
For those of you who have moved a lot - moving provides the opportunity to meeting new people. It also has many days of loneliness. Being alone of not great when you're going through a hard time...the times that ultimately refine you. Us girls need our girlfriends. I am thankful for the phone and social networks especially in these times.
I have many wonderful friends who are a massive gift to me, but this one, she is one of the extra sparkly jewels. We were roommates in college, we dated our future husbands at the same time, we did music together, we got married around the same time, I was in her wedding and she in mine, we had our first 2 kids together...we've moved waaaay to much. We are knitted together through our love for God and doing life together to begin with and now keeping in touch. She is one of those friends who I may not talk to for 6 months or a year but when we talk it's as if no time has elapsed.
Today God used her to bolster my faith, and also to just strengthen me to face the day. I am thankful for my friend. I am thankful for her call today.

Debt Free

2011-06-22T10:19:00.000-07:00

Last summer we were in a massive amount of debt...something like $70,000. And we could not see a way out of it and it was crushing us. We weren't making enough money to pay it off over time. We were drowning. It was overwhelming, embarrassing, and extremely stressful.

We began to pray. We began to plead with God to help us find a way out. My mom had given us Dave Ramsey's course and we bought his book "The Total Money Make-Over" to start to educate ourselves about this stuff. We really knew nothing about money nor how to manage it. We did our best but obviously that wasn't good enough. We started to look around and see that our monthly living expenses where way too high. Our lives looked REALLY good. We lived in a really nice house. We drove a pretty much new nice car. We looked really good. Beyond the facade was a completely different picture. And admittedly I did not want to take a step back and deal with it because I liked how our life looked...even if it wasn't real. My husband patiently waited for me to come around. He didn't bug me. He didn't say a word. He simply prayed. And after a year of that God changed my heart...that was around last summer.

Then we started implementing what we were learning. We did tons of little stuff...but we did massive stuff as well. We sold stuff, got rid of my pretty car...so now I was car-less( not fun for a girl who loves her freedom that a car provides), and we moved from the lovely little safe town and pretty house. We moved to a more blue collar neighborhood. It's not as cool to say our address now. People's eyebrows don't go up approvingly when I mention our new address as they did when I mentioned our old one. I will not lie and say "Wow that was fun!" but I will say "Wow! It's worth it!"

BUT...even all of that wasn't enough. We still weren't making it, believe it or not. More circumstances came up beyond our control that completely snowed us in yet again. We kept praying, and stressing, and praying. But mostly we were stressing. My mom was right there with us praying and stressing and helping us by taking care of the girls...getting them out of the stress as often as she could.

In the midst of all of this I received a phone call from my side of the family saying that they were going to send us money to help tide us over and get us through. That completely COMPLETELY floored us. I don't think I have the words to describe what a gift that was to us...not just financially but mentally. Someone believed in us enough to help see us through! I sobbed...I rarely cry. I sobbed. We talked it through and decided the best thing would be to put that money towards debt. So we did. With that we had one debt remaining and it was a personal debt to another family member. Being released from most of our debt was a major load off of our backs...but the personal debt weighed VERY heavily on us.

On this past Monday we received a card and were told not to open it until we were together. OK. So that evening we opened the card together and we were completely blown away again...our personal debt to that family member was completely forgiven. WOW! Another massive gift. A boost in moral in the midst of the storm.

AND with that...we are completely debt free!

Most of it was not by any of our strength. We made some tough un-fun decisions for sure. But God heard our cries. He moved on the hearts of people. Those people responded and blessed us. And here we stand the beneficiaries...debt free!!!!!!!!!! I am in awe. I am still taking it all in and have to pinch myself often. Debt free! Not many are given that gift they work years and years to be able to say that. Wise stewardship is in order and required. Nothing less will do.

Keep Going...but only with His help.

2011-06-22T09:40:00.000-07:00

You know those times in life when every step you take you have give yourself a pep talk that "really! Keep GOING!" It takes tenacity and intestinal fortitude. It takes reaching waaaaaaaay down deep. The past nearly 10 months (as you well know if you follow this blog) have been beyond that. That wasn't even enough. In the midst of all the chaos and struggle and just trying to keep going I forgot one little thing...but one thing that makes the utmost difference...prayer. I mean I prayed. But I didn't work at it. I didn't spend time on my knees really really praying specifically...not for us and not for anyone else. All the noise of life simply took over and drowned out the very thought never mind the action.
I've always been someone who prays pretty much all day. God and I, we have a non-stop conversation...as that is basically what prayer is. I talk to Him and He talks to me. I ask for wisdom and He gives it to me. I thank Him for His mercy towards me...I thank Him for a never ending list of things. I pray for my husband and children and extended family and our friends...and my enemies. I don't pray or believe in God as a safeguard or as an insurance. I pray because God tells us to pray to Him and over time I have obeyed and I have found the joy in it and the blessing regardless of the outcome or circumstances. There is a peace that defies all understanding in it.
When I don't pray my attitude is not pretty. I have no patience. I feel far from people and relationships ans I really don't care. When I don't pray life seems beyond overwhelming. When I don't pray I feel very lost. When I don't pray I get depressed and can't see light from dark. It's like, in a way, I'm blind and fumbling around. I often feel out of control emotionally...a deep seated rage.
In contrast, when I do pray, no matter what life brings God undergirds me with the strength to see it through. He gives me peace that I cannot explain in the midst of it all other than to say "It's God!". He gives me joy even when it does not make sense. I do not have the same mental frailness that would be mine but for Him.
And here is a funny thing I have noticed...that even when I don't pray God still blesses me. He still loves me. He still disciplines me. He still walks beside me. He does not leave. He is a father who loves no matter what.
This past weekend I was reminded of the need for prayer. I am so very thankful for that reminder. It was a massive gift to me. So I'm back at praying. Circumstances have not altered but I have...thanks to Him and His gentle reminders.

Your Very Essence

2011-06-01T08:53:00.000-07:00

You might think this post would be about God with a title like that right? No...not this time...it's about my husband. My mom, Shaun and I were talking and we were discussing how, when you really love someone, you love who they are...their essence...the very core of them. As the movie Avatar said "I see you". You see them. Really and truly see them. It doesn't matter what wrappings they come in..We all know our physical appearance changes over the years no matter what we do. We all know when we look into a marriage and that part is missing. It's blatantly obvious, especially to those who have experienced being seen by the one they love. When a couple can't or doesn't see each other it's heartbreaking for them and the ones who love them.
My husband and I have have the gift of that kind of relationship. We see each other. We know each other. We love the very essence of each other. It doesn't matter that over the years both of us got thicker and now we're thinner. It really doesn't. It doesn't matter what we look like externally EVER (...although I have to say he is a hotty! I mean look at that face!) It doesn't matter that life gets so stressful at times and it gets much harder to "see" each other. We still do. It doesn't matter that there are bad days or months. It doesn't matter when others try to get in the middle...they can't! It simply doesn't matter.
Shaun I love you. I love exactly who you are today. I loved exactly who you were in your yesterdays and I will love exactly who you will become in your tomorrows. I love you. I see you. I am thankful. I am blessed. You rock my world...still.
Happy 35th Birthday, my love.

6! My Portia is 6!

2011-05-31T00:07:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday my wee little beauty. The formative years are done for both of our girls with this milestone! The first 5 years...gone! I stand in the middle looking back and remembering with fondness those early years. I am also looking forward with great anticipation. I love each new year, the wonders they bring. But my Portia...she is indeed a wonder child.
There is that sparkle in her eye that NEVER dims. It's full of mischief and fun and wonder. No matter what is going on she can find something to find joy in. She has that 'happy gene". She got it from her Daddy and her Grammie...they are unceasingly happy people.
She loves glam and glitz. You take her to a store and she wants one of everything...it's all just so wonderful to her. But the thing is most of the time she is thinking of something for everyone...so when she sees something she usually wants it to so she can give it to someone. She is always making cards and wrapping presents for people.
Her birthday was "the best day EVER!" and then her birthday party day came and that was "the best day EVER!"
She already knows how to use her voice (all cajoling and sweet) and her big blue eyes to melt your heart no matter what she's done.
She dances more than she walks.
She loves music and, even if she doesn't realize it, whenever there is music within her hearing her body is moving to the beat.
She cannot sit still. It's just not possible. She cannot be still. She does not even sleep with any level of stillness.
She is night owl. She wanders around the house when she is supposed to be asleep...she has startled me more than once. "But I just can't sleep Mama". I understand baby girl neither can I...there is just too much to see and you might miss something. I completely get it!
She loves to paint and draw and colour. Anything art and she's ALL over it. She loves to learn the mechanics of art.
She's a FAST little runner and she wants to be measured every day "just in case I grew".
She has an astounding vocabulary and she uses it! She is always asking me "what does that word you just said mean Mama?" if it's new to her and then she'll go around using it (correctly) in sentences for the rest of the day. She's a word girl.
She has already learned about boys. At 4 she declared, in the car on the way to church, "I get to see my boyfriend in Sunday School!" at which point her dad nearly drove off the road. And then when asked what games she wanted to play for her birthday party she promptly said, "Spin the bottle" to which I promptly said, "um NO! You can't go around kissing people!" "Yeah but Mom...we could hug them!" and of course that sparkle was there in her eye.
Her shoes, socks, and clothes must feel "just right" or she can't be bothered to wear them. Her hair must be "pretty" and that means her definition of pretty or she can't go out. Yes she is indeed particular. She has a great sense of style. It's just natural to her.
She is learning to read words. I am so thankful that I got to be her teacher during this grade of school because I got the privilege of seeing the light go on. It enthralls her. She loves learning! Loves it! That brings me a tremendous amount of joy.
Awwww my Portia you are still my little joy bubble. You are such a petite little bundle...still. My teeny tiny girl who is growing up quickly. I love you my baby girl...with each passing year I love you even more. I am so thankful that God saw fit to give us you. You and your sister are our treasures...our jewels.

Some Soul Restoring

2011-05-09T01:13:00.000-07:00

Today we did not make it to church...as I mentioned. It was Mother's Day. By the time we sorted ourselves out it just didn't happen. In the end, I think it was what was needed. You see we have been going like nobody's business for what seems like too long with no breaks, nothing that refreshed our souls. Shaun and I are ones that need to be able to just stop and get off the carousel sometimes. We have to or life is not sustainable.
Today was lovely...I don't mean weather-wise because while it didn't rain it looked like it would any second...GREY it was grey. No I mean it was lovely for our souls. First off we got Shaun's undivided attention for the whole day! I can't even remember the last time that happened. He has been working so hard and such long days. Shaun and the girls made a lovely breakfast and we sat down as a family and ate it. Mmmmm it was good. Then the girls cleaned up the entire kitchen while my love and I sat and chatted! I've been missing him terribly. He leaves before any of us get up and gets home so exhausted as the girls are going to bed.

After a bit we decided to wander down to a massive park (like 1,400 acres massive) that we hadn't been too yet and walk some of the trails. DD#2 even walked the whole way and enjoyed it! A first! We laughed and relished exploring nature. It is beautiful. God is so creative. If I could get my garden looking half as pretty I'd be quite pleased. Just meandering our way along the trails for 3 hours was so much fun. It refreshed all of our souls...even the dog's! We inspected an old homestead, said "happy mother's day" to passing mothers, collected rocks, watched horses, walked by a little stream in the midst of a rain forest, had a chinwag with a passing stranger, laughed and chatted with each other. Beautiful.
We came home. Shaun and I listened to a sermon by Mark Driscoll and grandly enough one of my high school friend's wee daughter was the highlight of the sermon. Then I had a lovely soak while Shaun and the girls prepared a yummy supper. We, again, sat down as a family and ate and chatted. The girls went to bed and my love and I hung out and chatted some more and laughed. We watched a a few "Man vs. Wild" episodes on Netflix.
It was a simple day. It was exactly the perfect day to restore my soul...a soul in desperate need of restoring.
I am blessed and I am thankful.

Crossroad...a quandry

2011-05-09T00:36:00.000-07:00

Today was Mother's Day. It's Sunday, of course. We usually go to church every Sunday. We trek a hour each way for an hour long service...today...we didn't make it. We are in a quandary about church. When we lived in our last home it was still feasible to continue going to the church that we have gone to for almost 6 years. We LOVE our church. We LOVE the community we have developed. We LOVE that we get to be apart of the music ministry.
We tried with all of our ability to move nearer to our church...for whatever reason it didn't happen. We could NOT find a place to live that worked. Now by Sunday we are both SO tired and worn out from life at the moment that a day being gone all day just overwhelms us.
We are at a crossroads...
-if we are going to stay in this area (as we have for the past 3 years) we need to develop community here. But, for us, that comes at a high price.If the girls will be going to school here we need to be involved in a church here.
-when youth group time comes we can't drive and hour each way (never mind traffic).
-We need to be involved in the community we live in. If we want to invite someone to church going to church that far away doesn't work.
I've been really really REALLY REALLY struggling and wrestling and praying about this the last week. Honestly, I don't want to live over here. Honestly, I don't want to leave our church. Apparently there is more at play here though than what I want.
Here are my fears:
1)We won't find an amazing group of friends like we have...we waited a looooooooong time for these friends. They are special. I cherish them.
Conclusions on that fear so far: Are we going to lose our friends? I certainly hope not...It will change the relationship somewhat. I guess if we do then we really weren't that great of friends to begin with.
2) Are we really supposed to be here anyway?
Conclusion on that fear: well apparently we are not supposed to be anywhere else...
3) Will God leave be standing alone with no support or community if He has placed us here?
Conclusion on that fear: ummm NO! I look back over my life...God and I we have a looooooooooooooooong track record. He has NEVER left me alone or forsaken....even when it's hard and it hurts...in the midst of it all...He is there. And in the end His plan is always perfect...mine...not so much.
4) I don't feel like either Shaun or I have the energy or the where with all, right now, to form a new community and get to know new people. The very thought...well it just is overwhelming and I could just sit here and cry. Especially since we have a VERY nice one just over the bridge.
Conclusion on that fear: Suck it up sunshine. God will not give me more that I can handle. He promises and either I believe Him or I don't. Which is it gunna be?!
I imagine this will take some time. We will still trek, at least for awhile. And I think we will keep trekking to our home group every other Sunday evening. A transition. Oh how I'm coming to hate that word.
Facing reality is not fun sometimes...lately, for us, it's really sucked on so many levels. But we believe it's what we need to do so that in the end it doesn't suck. So that we can do what we are to do: be good stewards of what God has entrusted us with. Money. Parenting. Marriage. Friendships. and so much more. Each is a precious trust.
And we trust that this will all be worth it...it's just in the middle. Well. You've been there...it. is. really. not. fun.

Transitions

2011-05-08T23:55:00.001-07:00

My last post was called "Relentless". This one should be "Relentless Transitions" but I didn't want to be redundant.
Transition: No car for me
Transition: Moving from an area we loved and a house we loved living in
Transition: The girls and schooling
Transition: Physical
Transition: Eating habits
Transition: Cut in pay so the company can thrive
Transition: Business Partner leaving
Transition: How we do $ on a personal level
Transition: Church
Transition: Accountant for business and all the systems we've been working on for the last 8 months have to be changed completely and redone.
See why I wanted to add "relentless"?
There is more but I don't want to bore you.

Relentless

2011-05-08T23:42:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have been thinking about this last year. That is the word that came to mind and perfectly described it. I said it to Shaun and he nodded his head slowly thinking it over and then said, "Yep!" We got some more "relentless" news 2 weeks ago. We are, yet again, in transition. It feels relentless.
We are tired, discouraged, weary, and feel like that light at the end of the tunnel is somewhat of a joke.
And yet...in the the midst of all of the "relentlessness" there have been some amazing things that have happened. We are blessed. We have been given so much. Our children have been gifts through it all...so patient with their harassed parents. My family has stepped in time and time again and been a massive gift. Our friends...couldn't make it without them.
It's people that make life what it is either (no matter the circumstances) a breeze or relentless. I have learned that in spades this year. But even more than people...I have gotten to see that it is indeed true that God is true to His word...He never gives us more than we can bear. He always gives us a way of escape. There is a reason to be in community...for times like these...so you make it. I can give Him all my anxieties and burdens because He loves me...it's just will I remember to do that or will I try and carry them on my own?! This year I've remembered that perhaps half of the time.
I will have to remember that "people" definitely make a difference in life when it's my turn to be that "people" and either be a blessing or a burden to a friend who is struggling. I hope that I choose to be a blessing and not add to their "relentlessness".

She's 8!

2011-04-29T20:57:00.000-07:00

Our eldest is 8! She is having a friend sleep over tonight and then a birthday party. She asked for a scavenger hunt, pin the tail on the donkey, an obstacle course, and a piñata...and Tinkerbell. Should be a fun party.
Today I watched the royal wedding of Prince William to Kate Middleton. I couldn't help but think that this daughter of mine will all too soon be marrying her prince. She is as tall as my shoulders!
She is so sweet. She is ever thoughtful. The other day she woke up, I was sick, and she proceeded to clean up the whole kitchen. She like order and tidiness. She is very good at organizing people. Her favorite colour is still green. She is so much fun. Her favourite place is still outdoors. In fact she asked for a bike for her birthday. She just loves being on a walk or riding her bike. It's where she is happiest. Kids love her because she is so caring and fun. It's been a bit of a rough year for our family and through it all she has remained sweet and gentle and caring. A gift to our family.
She is a sweet sweet girl and I love her so. I am so thankful that God chose to give her to us as our daughter. He knew we needed her.

Little Girl or little sex pot

2011-04-19T12:39:00.001-07:00

I ran across an article that a friend posted on Facebook that sums up perfectly something Shaun and I have been observing and watching over the last several years. It has to do with little girls and clothing.
Here is the link to that article from CNN of all places http://www.cnn.com/2011/OPINION/04/19/granderson.children.dress/index.html
Here is a link from the American Psychological Association on a study regarding the sexualization of girls: http://www.apa.org/pi/women/programs/girls/report.aspx
If I could agree 5 billion to infinity percent I would. It's now difficult to find "little girl clothes" you know the innocent sweetness, past size 6. I find it ridiculous. Our daughters DO NOT need to look like tramps to be beautiful little girls. Somewhere along the way we lost sweet and innocent in our vocabulary for our wee daughters and it's showing up in clothing. And along with that point we as mothers don't need to look like tramps to be sexy and attractive either. Just sayin'.
I hope that my daughters, when they are grown, will choose to dress with modesty. I hope that Shaun and I will have taught them the reason for modesty...that we will have imparted it well enough that they will carry it on in their adult life and pass it on to their children.
You will never see them looking like tramps while they live under our roof...you will see them looking adorable and in style (as long as it's modest) but NOT tramps. There is a difference.

Of Yearbooks and Facebook

2011-04-16T22:21:00.000-07:00

Perhaps I am feeling a little nostalgic today. I heard, via Facebook, today that a man who I greatly respected passed from this earth today. I was amazed at how that news hit me. After all I hadn't laid eyes on him since high school. He was the director of the camp I worked at every summer. A great man.
Perhaps I am nostalgic because I picked up a few yearbooks today. I scanned through the pages and was amazed at how many people's lives I know about because of Facebook. It was fun. Those faces I knew and loved well. I have had the privilege of knowing so many people. I can't think of one of them whom I regret knowing. As I looked at each face and then thought about what I know of them now I wished I could drop in and have a cozy tea with each of them. Catch up. Tell them the impact they had on my life and to give them each a hug. I saw faces that are no longer with us. I saw faces whom I laughed and laughed and experienced life with every day. I saw faces who I didn't know very well but now I know better thanks to Facebook. I know a friend who I went to elementary and junior high school with in San Diego who married a friend I went to high school with in Oregon. It really is a small world.
One picture really truck me from my junior year of high school.It was a picture of my advanced placement field trip for that year. All of us APers sitting on a beach. I now take my children to that beach every summer. I pass the hostel that we stayed in every summer and I tell Shaun every summer about that trip. :) The high schooler who was having a grand time on a school trip had no idea that her adult life would be lived in that city.
On Facebook I have a few friends whom I have known since Third Grade. Third Grade! That's insane. I'm one of those people who often wonder about people I knew...what happened to them? What did their lives turn out like. Are they loved well? Are they happy?
It was a fun trip down memory lane. And I'm so happy that I "know" so many of you still through Facebook.

34 really?

2011-04-04T02:18:00.000-07:00

Last week I turned 34. It was a weird birthday. It was so weird I don't even have a picture.
It was weird because Shaun and I are on this diet. It's going really well but I couldn't eat anything that one would normally eat for a birthday. And that was weird! It was a really tough mental game. We are also in the middle of packing and getting ready to move. Not really a time to have a party to celebrate. No time to go away. So honestly I was kind of just wanting to ignore the whole thing until such a time as we could celebrate properly...
But in the end it was a wonderful day. Our dear friends the Neyedlis came down from Peachland. Vangie make me a diet approved cupcake...and boy did that take some massive creativity...she wasn't a professional cake maker for nothing I tell you.
In the end, although it was very very different from normal, it was a wonderful day. I felt loved :). Thanks friends. You are wonderful.
And now I'm 34! No sage advice to offer. But a few things I know: I am blessed. I am loved. My best days are yet to come. I have hope. I cannot wait to see what this year holds. I have the most wonderful husband a girl could dream up...he makes me want to wake up in the morning just so I can see him. He brings a smile to my face whenever I think about him...his laughter rings wherever he is. My children bring me the gift of their love, laughter, and joy every day. My family pour their love into me. My friends are some of the most amazing people you will ever meet...and all these good and perfect gifts have been given to me by my Heavenly Father who created all there is and he chose to love me...and you. I still get shivers each time I ponder that one.
I'd say my birthday gifts surround me every day all day and all night long. So perhaps, though the day felt weird because of my food options, in truth it was a gift!
And next year, at 35, my food choices will be back to normal...but my waist size will be much smaller. :).
So my gift to myself for this year was to choose to work on a gift of health for the rest of my life. My husband's gift was to choose to do the same. My family and friend's gift was to support me in that.
See I surrounded by love and gifts.
I repeat again...I. AM. ONE. BLESSED. WOMAN.

Gail Van-Oxlade

2011-04-04T01:51:00.000-07:00

I read through this book a week or so ago. We had done the Dave Ramsey course on getting out of debt in the summer. We have been working very hard to become financially fit ever since. We are taking it very seriously.

I wanted to see what other money people said on the topic. She was nice to read...a lighter touch than Ramsey but she said the exact same things. Another thing I liked about her is that she is Canadian so she has all the pertinent information...which can be hard to find. Most of the financial gurus are American. And while it is helpful having someone specifically Canadian was very nice.

She is easy to read, very clear, humorous, and understandable. She is a true teacher...she puts everything in layman's terms...so we can all understand.

The Twelfth Imam

2011-04-04T01:39:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading this book. It's good. It's a novel.
There are points where I could let myself be very fearful about the things that are happening in our world. However, it's also exciting. It's an interesting time to be alive...that is for sure! Never a dull moment.
I enjoyed his book The Copper Scroll more as far as novels go. Not because it was better written but because this one was so very real. A lot of it he simply put into story form, from Inside the Revolution, real life scenarios.
Very interesting. Makes one think. And pray.

Downsizing

2011-03-31T10:54:00.000-07:00

The blog front has been somewhat quiet lately. We've been busy!

We are moving a week from tomorrow into a little house that will be perfect for us...once we get rid of a TON of stuff. But who needs stuff? I was just looking at my favorite blog today The Big Picture and the article was about the displaced peoples of Africa due to all the unrest and civil wars. And I'm complaining about downsizing? I don't think so. So I happily downsize and am thankful.

Shaun and I have also been busy losing weight. It was time. I started another blog just for that. It's called Change is the Name of the Game. I have a few entries on there but haven't had time for more. So we've been downsizing on that front as well.

There are a few other fronts we are downsizing on but that will have to wait.

I said to Shaun the other day that it feels like we are being true to what we believe and how we desire to live life...finally. It's a very nice feeling. It's energizing to us...which is good because we have a lot of energy that needs to be put out.

We are looking forward to being moved and settled. It's been since last July as we are ready.

So many things

2011-03-01T17:40:00.000-08:00

Lately, we've been busy trying to figure out our lives. We don't know where we will live as of next month. We have to be out of this house by April 1. It's upsetting. It's frustrating. And the bottom line is I don't want to move BUT move we must...so oh well.
We have been blessed on so many levels since we found out we have to move. Family has been amazingly supportive as have our friends. There are days when the stress just weighs us both down. It's exhausting and very wearing. Some days we don't feel we can take any more pain, struggle, or stress...and then we keep going. God always seems to gives us hope even in the most trying of times. I am not going to say the specifics of the amazing things He has done in our lives lately at this time...but suffice it to say we are blessed even in the midst of it all.
The girls are doing very well. They bring us so much joy...what gifts they are to us. Homeschooling is going very well. I am so thankful that we decided to undertake this particular adventure. I find it a massive gift. There is so much I want to say...and in time I will. But for now...here we are just like this humbled, amazed, and stressed. :)

Ah my Portia

2011-02-01T09:31:00.001-08:00

The other day Portia looked at Shaun and I and said, "My heart is always happy even when I am sad." That made me smile inside. It was one of those precious moments as a parent. It's those moments that it's all about.

I remember that feeling, as a kids. No matter what occurred, on the inside I was happy. There was a deep down joy that was unloseable. I remember being amazed by that as a child. I really noticed it. I completely understood what Portia was saying.

Surrogacy Part 2 (a note from my sister-in-law after having the twins)

2011-01-10T20:32:00.001-08:00

This is a note I received today from my sister-in-law after having the twins...thought you might like to hear directly from her (this is posted with her permission...and everyone's names were removed by me for their protection). Also as a side note...my sister-in-law lost a lot of blood and her body went into shock twice after the c-section. She came close to dying. She is presently working hard at getting her hemoglobin's back up so that she does not have to have a blood transfusion.

Baby #1 was 4lbs 8oz, still in NICU on a round of antibiotics but doing great and breastfeeding well. Should be out in a couple of days.

Baby #2 was 6lbs 5oz, no worries with her.

Born at 37wks, 3 days by c-section. Baby #1 was a footling breech, Baby #2 was also breech and stuck up in my ribs ( it feels so nice to breathe again).

My sister in law blogged about this so I got inspired to write (thanks Tama). This really was an amazing experience and as much as it was very simple to give the babies back to their parents, I fell absolutely in love with them over the last few days. The last 8 mths too of course but seeing them and being able to even help do some nursing really shifted it for me (no, this didn't make me bond with the girls - just love them more). It's certainly more of a reality seeing their cute little faces. They are WAY too cute! Perfect really. My kids looked like little aliens who were squished the wrong way coming out - and then they wouldn't come out! There aren't very many babies born this cute to be honest. So... the whole family is doing great and will stay with my mum and step dad until they go back home. They are well loved and we are sure to be in their lives forever. Their mom gave me an engraved bracelet "Forever Grateful, Forever Friends". I cried.

Many people have asked: How was it giving the babies away? How are you doing? Would you do it again? Didn't you bond with them at all??? The easy answer is I gave the girls BACK to their parents. I started out knowing that I would do that and it was as simple as that in the end. I'm doing great and am happy to be able to pump for them and even was privileged to be able to nurse baby #1 in NICU and get some colostrum in her.Their mom got very sick with a fever and just needed help. I felt very honoured.

Would I do it again... probably not. Even though it was a 10 yr wait for them to adopt in the country that this family lives in, and the legalities of surrogacy there make it next to impossible, there were many things that I grapple with - especially international parents tapping into our medical system... Countries are closing their doors b/c we keep sending back kids that aren't perfect enough for us. They'd rather have them in orphanages than mess with the North Americans these days. My biggest dilemma is overpopulation of our planet. I'm contributing to it. Thankfully my husband doesn't want kids so between me having 2 with my ex and this surrogacy, we have just replaced ourselves on the planet. If I did it again, I'll be contributing to overpopulation. I don't think my body could handle this again anyway. 40 is getting OLD!!!

I loved being a surrogate. I would have to say I didn't have a heart if I didn't bond on some level. But these girls were as planned as any pregnancy could be. They will be loved beyond belief. I am sure of that. Are there people in the world that need to reconcile their inability to have kids and move on as a childless couple? For sure. Is this only for the rich or at least privileged? Yes. It costs more money than most people have in the bank. But does that mean it should be illegal? It won't stop people from doing it - they'll just go to India. Better to monitor than control I say.

So, yes, my husband was my rock through this all and I literally could not have done it without him. It would have bankrupt the parents that I was a surrogate for. Child care, respite, housekeeping - that would have cost more than topping up my wages onbedrest. So, yes, they took care of me as per our contract. But that's all that's allowed in my country. If you're doing it for the money, it's about 2.75 an hour that I made but it wasn't for the money. It was for the love of the people, for the experience. My mum asked me how I was ever going to top this. I said I didn't do it to top something - I did it for them. I would do it all again. I loved being pregnant. Twins? Not so much fun but boy are they CUTE!!! No, they don't look anything like each other.

Surrogacy

2011-01-06T12:20:00.000-08:00

Surrogacy as defined by Wikipedia is an arrangement where a woman agrees to become pregnant and deliver a child for another couple or person. She may be the child's genetic mother (the more traditional form of surrogacy), or she may carry the pregnancy to delivery after having been implanted with an embryo with another female's genetics.

Today my sister-in-law is going to the hospital today to have a c-section...to give birth to twins...that she will give away to their parents. She is in no way related to them genetically. She was just the womb and housed them as they grew...or at least that is the prevailing thought.

I must say that when they came to us and told us what they were doing I really struggled with it. I mean I believe that life is a gift and that only God opens and closes the womb...right? Or do I really? Shaun reminded me that we had used birth control and he had a vasectomy...so really we were tampering just as much.

Anyway, we grappled...I grappled a lot. I mean she was doing it for the money right? Except that the amount she gets paid in really a pittance compared to the toll that it has taken on her physically. And then a c-section? Anyway the whole thing is looking more and more altruistic to me as I watch and learn.

I guess one has to go back to motive. I mean that's the real problem right. When we look at surrogacy we take it to the extreme...which is necessary in the world we live in. There are people who would use surrogacy to grow parts for people etc. That is our ultimate concern...the cheapening of human life. Or that as this article says “Surrogacy views women as disposable uteruses, merely containers or public utilities for someone else’s babies. This dismantling of motherhood says there is no essential bond between a woman and the baby she carries under her heart for nine months.” There are, as I said, many legitimate concerns. There are many more arguments against it...like adoption? Why not adopt. There are so many children who need a loving family. But some people simply cannot wrap their mind around that. They want their own flesh and blood. I can understand that.

But as I've watched my sister-in-law carry these two precious babies I have had to rethink many things...in the end I believe it comes down to motive. In this case the motive is to give a family the ultimate gift of a child (or in this case children). All of you mothers know what a gift and what a sacrifice this is. Those of you who want desperately to be mothers...well you know the crushing pain of not having that gift and what it would be to have the opportunity to have that.

I respect my sister-in-law for her choice. I see the value in it. I see the joy she is bringing to others. I asked her if she would do this again. She said she would...I asked her how she would be when she actually had to hand these 2 over to their parents and say goodbye? She said she figures she'll be fine as she set out to do that from the get-go.

It's definitely a new thought. One that takes some time to come to terms with, at least for me. It is because it's new and I take awhile to adjust? Or is it because of the can of worms that it has the potential to open? Maybe both. I have, however, enjoyed the process of watching this particular surrogacy develop from a thought to a reality. I have enjoyed watching my brother-in-law fill in the gaps my sister-in-law was not able to fill due to bed-rest. They have been a great team.

And now tomorrow I get to go meet those two girls. I have some more grappling to do...I am their surrogate auntie...but I will not know the joy of that position. But then again it was never about "my position" was it.

Inside the Revolution by Joel Rosenberg

2011-01-06T11:53:00.001-08:00

I just finished reading Joel Rosenberg's book Inside The Revolution. There are 3 sections to this book. The first section is just plain freaky. The things that are going on in our world...yep freaky. The middle section is explanatory and the third section is what captivated me the most. I highly recommend this book. Mr. Rosenberg is a very well informed man. He is not guessing at any of this. Go to his website to see about him. I read his book Epicenter and am now looking forward to reading his booklet Inside the Revival which goes more into detail about the 3rd section of Inside the Revolution.

Interestingly enough, he has written novels as well. I have not read any of his novels but after he released each of them the story lines happened in our world. The title of his novels are as follows: The Last Jihad, The Last Days, The Ezekiel Option, The Copper Scroll, Dead Heat, and his newest The Twelfth Imam. I plan on reading at least the last 3.

Goodbye 2010! Hello 2011!!!!!

2011-01-06T10:01:00.000-08:00

It really has been quite a year hasn't it! I mostly updated you on our lives in the Oct. 2010 Update. In the family, travel, daily living aspect life was exhausting but good. In the business and work aspect it was a steep incline of learning.

Life is so unexpected at points. I got a note from a family member just on Monday that her sister had passed away in her sleep...a young woman, mother of 2, wife of one...completely unexpected and with a reason to still be found. Grief and shock hit me for a person I had met twice but who meant the world to her children, husband, and family. The same day that I received that profoundly sad note the little IGA in our village burned to the ground. That building was built in the 1920's. I loved walking on the old hardwood floors. It whispered of a time past and I found comfort in that. And now it is no more. A building that is no more versus a person who has gone on to eternity...an eternity with Him. That is something to find comfort in...true comfort. We will all see her again.

Tuesday my mom called me to tell me of her test results on bone density. She has been diagnosed with osteoporosis. She had this test because over Christmas she was skiing and went under a rope to get out of a line to the chair and fractured 3 ribs. She bent over and fractured 3 ribs? That's not right...so she had to leave our house earlier than she was supposed too to drive home for the test. The doctor told her no more skiing etc. It's an interesting thing in that my mom is probably the healthiest person I know in fitness and food choice...for her whole life...she has always been extremely active and high energy. I always have said that although she is 30 years older than me she has more energy than I do. The doctors are a bit baffled as well. My dad also called and told me that his heart valve has deteriorated more and so he will be going into surgery to have that replaced this month. That involves opening up his chest and going in. The laproscopic version is not reliable enough as of yet.

I got calls over Christmas from family with varying news of distress and sadness pretty much all around. So while we had an excellent Christmas my side of the family especially had a tough one. And that affects. It's interesting how one person's actions affect SO many people...even those they don't realize that it affects.

We also thought we were going to be moving as my in-laws sat us down and told us that they would need to sell the house. At first I was understanding and then I was just plain mad...not at them having to sell the house but at us having just lived through that renovation etc. that sucked any extra reserve we had right out. It was extremely taxing on us and the girls. It cost us our summer and we are still recovering in many ways. I do not say all that to point a finger at them...they were having to sell it not wanting too. There is a vast difference. They were not being mean or vindictive. In the end they have worked out a way to not sell the house and they have been very gracious to us. I have to say that I am very thankful not to be moving right now. It would be another massive cost on us financially, emotionally and physically...something I am not sure we are up for right at the moment.

We have the privilege of having Vern join us in our home. He is a thoughtful and ever cheerful man whom we are thankful to have.

Today my sister-in-law goes in for a c-section to give birth to twins...not hers. She is a surrogate for another family. Through this whole pregnancy I have really grappled with this whole new world of surrogacy. But I will leave that for another post. In the end I am excited for the family and amazed by my sister-in-law's willingness to do something like that. For although it is not completely altruistic...the amount she gets paid is a pittance to the toll. She has been on bed rest since sixteen weeks. You could not pay me enough to do it. And yet I see the joy given. It has been amazing watching my brother-in-law work very hard at taking up the slack that bed rest has caused. It has also been amazing watching them convey this to their two children and watching the kids take it and run with it and be captivated by it...by being apart of giving this gift.

On the business end of things we took on a new partner :). Shaun's brother came on board with us in the middle of October. He is excellent at business management and he seems to have a special gift to make businesses thrive. He has thrown himself in 100% and given so much already. Shaun and Jim have opposite complementing skills that has turned them into a well rounded whole for a business. We are very excited about what is already coming down the pipe as a result of this partnership.

Our friendships this year...wow. God has answered our years long prayers and we have been given the massive gift of amazing, laughter filled, refreshing, and reviving friendship. I am in awe of the people that He has placed in our lives...each one a jewel beyond price. In fact this New Year we laughed ourselves silly for 2 days straight with one of those couples. The children were telling us to be quieter...there's a switch.

Our darling daughters bring us so much joy throughout every day. We have come to an age where they are not little anymore...Portia has a bit more time in the "little" capacity but not much. They are both independent, fascinating, thoughtful, joyful, laughter-filled girls. They love each other so much and they are a joy to watch playing together. We are in our second year of homeschooling. It is going very well. We all like it immensely. It is so fun to teach one's own children. I fascinated by the process of explaining something to them and then watching the light go on and then watching them run with the idea. It's an addicting feeling.

My husband...the one who is my heart. We are knit together and there is not undoing it. I love watching his every single day bring shouts of laughter and giggles to our girls and to me. I don't know how he does it but it's a special gift he has. I love watching his depth of character and the grace with which he faces life and the love that he bestows generously on me.

What have I learned this year? I suppose many things. One of the things that I have recently concluded is that in the midst of a process I will no longer let my emotions rule the day. Emotions are good and all but they are not supposed to be the engine but the caboose. I cause myself much unneeded stress by diving deeply into the emotion of the moment instead of letting the situation sort itself out and then addressing emotions.

What am I most thankful for this year? This year I was given back the gift of my side of the family. I love each one. It is a rooting feeling to get to know more from were I come. It was something missing for me.

So as you can see 2010 was filled with precious gifts and opportunity for growth. And in the end I am again able to say with complete joy and confidence...I AM BLESSED.

I know that was long and rambling on many topics...but Happy New Year! And in this next span may you see God's hand upon your life as you navigate this journey.

I Wish You Could See My Life

2010-11-28T15:27:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wish that I could take all of you into my home for awhile and let you see how my life goes...not just for an hour or two or a day or a week but a month straight. And then maybe I could come live in your home and then see how your life goes. I've been looking at my life lately. I have a good life. In fact from the outside looking in it looks pretty much wonderful...and it is! But there are still days and weeks that are very hard...this last week, for example, was hard. The girls had the flu and were throwing up from Saturday until Thursday. They kind of tag teamed it. I didn't sleep for 5 nights...that's 40 hours of sleep I missed, and as you moms know, you don't get that back. By the end of that I was exhausted...and therefore HATING life. Well more like I felt life and everyone in it hated me. I got really dark and sad and depressed and mad. That is not a fun place to be.

My mom arrived on Wednesday and on Thursday she gave me an afternoon off and you know what I did? I didn't go anywhere. I closed the door in my room and just relished the fact that I didn't have to do anything nor did anyone need me right now...now the girls came in about every 20 minutes and wanted something but I didn't have to figure it out. I just sent them back to Grandma.

So while I was locked in my room I first of all slept, mostly uninterrupted, for 2 hours. Then I journaled. I have this journal that says "No one read this...you don't want to know". It's all the jumble in my head...the stuff that clouds up my brain and makes me think that life sucks. Well this time instead of writing I took some time to read through that journal that I've written in for 3 years when things get way beyond me. And you know what I discovered? I write pretty much the same exact thing EVERY TIME. EVERY TIME!!! I was perturbed. How is it in 3 years I have the same exact things that rock my world...and not in a good way? ...when, once I get out of my funk I realize that these pesky little lies, that I allow myself to believe, are simply not true. But I let them wreck my day or my week or my time with my husband and my kids. That is the saddest part. I can't get that time back. Time is so fleeting. It can all be gone in a blink...we are not guaranteed tomorrow. It would appear, at this point in my life, I choose to hold on to those silly things and allow them to ruin my day. But we (God and I) are working on that.

I wish you could see my life...and see just how beautiful it is and what a blessed woman I am...not because it's perfect...but because it's life.

Update Oct. 2010

2010-10-28T10:16:00.000-07:00

Well...it's been awhile hey!

This summer was hard. This summer was fun. This summer was BUSY. Let's see we were given several gifts of travel! It all started with my cousin Ricci being in the Paralympics here in Vancouver and Whistler. She gave us both opening and closing ceremony tickets. It was spectacular and wonderful but most of all it was amazing to see my baby cousin reach that triumph after so much. Then beginning in April my family (on both sides) brought us too them :). April was Reno for my Grandma's 80th birthday, July was Redondo Beach and Disneyland for my Dad's wedding, and September was Palm Springs for my Grandpa's 80th. Shaun's family also blessed us with gifts of a few trips June was Victoria with Glen and Christine and the beginning of Sept. was Galiano with Dad, Nan, Charlie (the girl formerly known as Sam), and Jack. Then the first weekend of Oct. Our dear friends took us with them to Tofino! That equaled 28 days of amazing fun, connecting, travel, adventure, refreshment! Things our souls have been longing for. On top of that my mom took the girls for 11 days at the beginning of Aug while Shaun and I worked like crazy people on the house doing 16 hour days. And my sister-in-law Ange came and watched the girls for a couple of days while I cared for my mom post surgery in July. Can you believe how blessed we are by family and friends?

On July 8th our house had a teeny tiny flood and that turned into a MASSIVE renovation. Shaun's parents were kind enough to take up in for weeks on end (literally) as we couldn't live in the house during most of the renovation. We are finally pretty much done as of today. It's just the little niggly things that are left. Shaun did all of the work and has done a BEAUTIFUL job as always. If you ever wonder if you should hire him come look at our house then decide.

We have also merged our business with Shaun's brother's business as of this month. VERY happy about this. I think I say about once a day (AT LEAST) "I love Jim" because he is amazing at what he does and it means I don't have to do the bookkeeping, keep track of what Shaun is supposed to be doing, and thinking about new and creative ways to run a business...I still do think about the latter part and can throw my ideas out there but the point is I don't have too! :) And that takes a massive load off of my back.

We have started our second year of homeschooling. M is in Gr. 2 and Portia started Kindergarten. I was apprehensive about adding another child to teach but I am happy to report that things are going wonderfully! We are having so much fun. Both girls have completely different ways of learning but in May I was able to get all new curriculum that suites Mercedes learning style as she is a completely visual learner. Portia is an auditory learner so she pretty much could do anything and learn. Mercedes is doing so well. I am so pleased with this new curriculum. It's not a fight this year as it was last year. Sooooooo thankful.

In other news M grew an inch and a half in 6 months. I cannot keep that girl in shoes or clothes. She has gone from a little girl to a girl. From a size 12 shoe to a size 2 shoe, and up 2 clothing sizes. She is a thoughtful, sweet, and loving girl. She is peaceful and calm. She loves going out on long walks (something she does with Papa and Grandma). She still loves being outdoors the best. Portia keeps us in stitches. Last night Shaun asked the girls, as he was putting them to bed, "what do I need to do to be a good Daddy to you?" She said, "Love the Pooch" (meaning Keiko). Not "love the puppy"...the things she says...She come up to me and says stuff like "You're the most beautiful mommy in the world and I'm glad you're my mommy. I love you so." and then proceeds to give me big hugs and kisses. She is one affectionate and loving child.

I think we are finally settling into our home after living here for 3 years now. It's takes time to orient oneself to a place and find friends, business contacts, your rhythm . We are still at our church. We couldn't give up that church :). So we drive. It's a bit of a nuisance not being close to our friends but we drive or they graciously drive to us. God has blessed us with an amazing core group of friends who are in the same stage of life and who have lovely children our girls' age.

I feel like I missed Spring, Summer, and Fall this year...although we did plant a garden for the first time. So I intend to take in Winter. I want to cozy up to crackling fires and just be cozy with my family and friends. That is what I am looking forward too the most this winter....speaking of Winter...it seems to be here! It's not even Nov. yet and it's cold and rainy. La Nina Winter is the rumor. Ironic considering we needed snow this last Winter for the Olympics :D and both Winters on either side of the Olympics will have amazing snow. There is already fresh snow on the North Shore mountains. Yesterday was the most beautiful Fall day... crystal blue sky with a full panoramic of all the mountains with fresh snow on them! Takes ones breath away.

Anyway, I've blathered enough. :) Have a great day.

Portia and her phobia moments

2010-08-09T02:02:00.000-07:00

Lately Portia has been driving us somewhat insane. I mean she's still adorable funny, smart as a whip, etc. But she has taken up being concerned about things killing her. Here's what I mean and it's been happening about 5,000 times a day:
"Mommy, Keiko breathed some of her germs on me. Am I ok?"
"Yes, Portia you're ok."
"Mommy" Mercedes' sleeve touched my arm. Am I going to catch on fire?"
"No Portia you're not going to catch on fire. You're ok. Stop worrying" I then explain what it takes to start a fire.
"Mommy, I breathed in a smoker (translation: someone was smoking and she breathed in the second-hand smoke out on a walk or something). Am I going to be ok?"
Yes Portia you will be fine Sweetie. Why are you so worried?"
"Well I just want to know if I will be ok."
"Yes Portia you will be fine"
"But Mommy is my nose going to catch on fire because I breathed in a smoker?"
"Portia is your nose on fire now?"
"No Mommy"
"You will be fine Portia. Your nose can't catch on fire from breathing that in."
"Mommy I looked at the sun. Am I going to be ok."
"Yes Portia you're going to be fine. But try not to do it on purpose"
Ohhhhhh Mommy I looked at the sun again on accident. Am I going to be ok?"
*sigh* "Yes Portia you will be fine".
~It's non-stop~
And then there is the night time when her imagination comes alive.
"Mommy" (in a little whisper right next to my ear at 3 am) I dreamed a lion was getting me. Can lions get me Mommy? Can they smell me?"
"No Portia. Lions live in Africa. That is very far away. They cannot get you and it's too far to smell you. You're ok. You are safe."
She climbs into our bed for a few hours until I am awake enough from her moving to take her back to bed.
~next night~
"Mommy!" (an urgent whisper into my ear and dreams again in the middle of the night) can my dreams become real?" I know where this one is coming from...a movie she saw.
"No Portia your dreams won't become real. You're ok. You are safe. I love you."
"Are you sure Mommy?"
"Yes darling I'm sure now go to sleep" Again she crawls into our bed until Shaun or I are awake enough to take her to her bed.
~3 months of this so far~ day and night.
But they are legitimate fears in her world. We have been trying to trace it back to where it started. And we were teaching the girls about the symbols on containers (like a bleach container). Some have a corrosive symbol, others have explosive symbols etc. And we think that's where it started. But we didn't teach it too them in a way to make them freak out. It's interesting how she reacted though. I have caught myself, lately, watching my warnings to her about things though. And I nearly lose it when other people warn her (even teasing) Like the other day she was playing a game on my i-phone and someone said "That's going to wrought you're brain". They were teasing but she took it very literally and almost lost it over that comment. It's just interesting what she takes literally and really worries herself over.
She was in Shaun's truck a few weeks back and her had brushed a windshield wiper fluid container and she FREAKED! "Am I going to be ok Daddy?" She was wailing...and really terrified because she saw a symbol on the container.
We try not to get impatient and brush her off. But some days it's very frustrating. Sometimes my answers have been through clenched teeth. I do have to say in the last week it's started to lessen. And that is a relief. We have also injected humor lately and that seems to work well sometimes.

A little flood and some perspective

2010-08-09T00:41:00.001-07:00

This summer has had it's high points and it's low point. I often have things to say but it would not have any value. I often look forward to summer for it's lazy days in the sun. I love these days they are my most favourite. I look forward to them all year. I used to think I liked Spring the best and I really like Spring because it's so beautiful, so fresh, so new, so vivid. But I love Summer for it's warmth and sunshine. I love Summer because usually I can take the time to enjoy the moments.
Not so much this summer. Our house had a little flood...and I do indeed mean little. Want proof? Well here's a picture:
Doesn't look too threatening right? Wrong. The other side of the wall was way worse and then the insurance company found asbestos in the flooring that was under the flooring you can see in this picture. So now my kitchen looks like this:
which really doesn't look like much other than that you have to take a few things into account. The first thing is that all the stuff (cupboards and all that was in them) are in the classroom...which was ready for school starting soon. The appliances are in the TV room and all the flooring is also out of this room...the TV room couches, toys, TV, etc. are in the living room and the guest room...it's really a gong show. We finally got approval for our renovation company to start the renos...but in the mean time not only is our house a gong show we have no kitchen. We lost our tenant because no one could live here for awhile...it's all really been...the best word is overwhelming.
Anyway, it's been rather unsettling in all and rather costly for us on several fronts, my in-laws have graciously allowed us to come and go from their house as we please and friends have been fabulous...but we really are home bodies when it comes to sleeping in our own bed and relaxing...so we've been trying to make due. But in all we've really overwhelmed and a bit miserable going through this process...it hasn't just been this...some other things I won't bore you with.
And yet...I was looking at a blog tonight and it really set me straight yet again on something that I have been thinking about through all of this...this is an inconvenience and not a problem. We still have all the necessities and in the end we will end up with a updated home. The blog I was looking at is The Big Picture. He always has current event posts up and it's all pictures. This one is about a flood ( a real flood as opposed to my "flood") that is happening right now in Pakistan. 1600 people have dies so far and it's only the beginning of the monsoon season. Now that is a problem. Makes my little inconvenience very minor. I imagine there are millions of people who would love to be "overwhelmed" in my situation instead of the one they find themselves facing.
Now there's some perspective. It's always good to have a dose of that every now and then don't ya think?!

A little trip

2010-08-09T00:14:00.000-07:00

For 14 years I have been trying to explain three things to my wonderful husband: The warmth of the water in the ocean I grew up on, the sand on the beaches, and Disneyland. None of which he could quite grasp because he had never experienced them. You see I have mainly been in his world these last 14 years. He had had little glimpses of my "pre-Canada" life but really very little. This summer changed all that!
Over the last 3 years my dad and I have been able to start developing a relationship for the first time. I didn't grow up with him. But three years ago that started to change. I have had the privilege of starting to get to know him. Anyway, in the middle of July he got married to a wonderful woman and therefore we got to go down to Redondo Beach for his wedding. I got to also spend time with my little brother (who is 9 years younger than me)and little sister (who is 15 years younger than me) who I also did not grow up with and I guess technically they are my 1/2 brother and sister as we have different mothers but I find that technicality boring and I choose to ignore it because, well, I have come to just adore them. Anyway, now that I have aired a few of the family skeletons I shall move on... .

So in addition to getting to be apart of the wedding and getting to spend more time with my family, and getting to meet more family as Rosie's family is now family as well (I know confusing but you get what I'm saying) ...my husband now understands about the warm ocean water (a completely foreign concept here in Canada may I just add) and the sand. He gets it. I mean he really really gets it. And that makes me so happy. I loved the look on his face the first time his feet touched the water.

And then my Grandpa sent us to Disneyland! And now Shaun totally gets that too. I have to say I was a little concerned about the whole Disneyland thing because Shaun hates crowds. BUT he LOVED Disneyland. And now he understand why I am mostly underwhelmed by many things in Canada along these lines because now he's been to a real theme park, seen amazing fireworks, and seen a real parade, and been on the rides. Nothing is like Disneyland...the original Disneyland (yes I have been to Disneyworld...it's very nice but not the same to me). I was also a little concerned because I haven't been there since I was 18 (15 years ago) and well you know how things can change...not my Disneyland. It was everything and more that I had remembered it to be. And I loved every single solitary second. And it was made amazingly more meaningful because now Shaun and the girls got to go. Am I gushing :)? I can't tell you what that meant to me. But not only did we get to go but we got to go with my brother, his girlfriend, my sister and her boyfriend. And that made it even more meaningful to me getting to spend some time with them. :)

So in all this little trip was a pretty big deal in my world.

A Man's Reputation

2010-05-31T09:57:00.000-07:00

I was reading the Proverb for the day and as it's the 31st that means I read Proverbs 31! The infamous Proverb about a wife of noble character:). But today I saw it with different eyes and it set me to reflecting on something.
Verse 12 says "She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. " and verse 23 says, "Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land."
I was thinking back over all the women I have been friends with over the years and their husbands and their husband's reputations. You see it really doesn't matter how successful a man is in business or sports or whatever else he sets his hands too if his wife doesn't have a good word to say about him. The truth is people sum up what they know about a person based on a few things 1) their experience with a person and 2) that person's family's experience with that person...the latter carrying the most weight. And you know who carries the MOST weight in their summation of a person's character? That person's spouse.
You know how that man got respected at the city gates in Proverbs 31? His wife's words and actions towards him because even if she was a catty and difficult woman it still reflects on him. It still makes people pause and think because she is the one who lives with him day in and day out. She is still able to plant that seed of doubt be it absolutely true or completely false.
Think about it!
So men watch well who you marry but mostly how you treat your wife and children. Put more effort into that than your business. Be present. That respect you crave is easily won but not in the way our culture tells you it is.
And women watch well your words about your spouse...even in jest.

Resolve

2010-05-28T23:29:00.000-07:00

I am going through Beth Moore's study on Daniel for my morning devotions. Today I completed the first week of 12. This last one hit the nail on the head so to speak. As you know I am in the process of losing weight one teeny tiny itsy bitsy baby step at a time. Well today's study was on "resolve". Daniel 1:8 starts with these 2 words "Daniel resolved...". Do you think Daniel would of had to "resolve" if it was easy enough to accomplish what he was setting out to do(which, by the way, was live a Godly life in the midst of a world that had no concept of that)?No he had to resolve because it was not just gonna happen and it was not easy...he had to be intentional about every moment of every day.
Now Beth was talking about Godliness and I figure I can use this concept in the area of physical fitness because the rule applies. She said "...never accidental. Neither is victory coincidental. Both stem from up-front, daily resolve. C-O-N-S-I-S-T-A-N-C-Y." Then she started talking about integrity. "The Latin word for 'integrity' means 'entire'. The essence of the term is wholeness and completeness. Integrity is 'the quality or state of being complete or undivided.' you can see, therefore, how much integrity depends on consistency." Then she contrasted perfection and the kind of consistency that breeds integrity. "...we will never reach perfection in this lifetime on planet Earth, but we can certainly reach consistency."
So I resolve.

My birthday loves

2010-05-26T11:14:00.001-07:00

My Portia is 5!!!!!

2010-05-26T10:53:00.001-07:00

My baby girl is 5! The last five I will experience as a mama. And what a five it is! She is a character to the hilt. There is not a boring bone in her body. She is downright hilarious, creative, my little joy bubble, stubborn and strong-willed but so very sweet, loud and yet quiet, particular and a complete mess all at the same time, a whirl-wind of motion, outside the box at pretty much all times, a complete cuddle-bug, emotion runs deep and long, one tough cookie physically. And yet she is private with her emotions. She gets embarrassed easily and is relatively shy when it comes to attention given by others. She is slow to give her affection to you but once she does you are lavished with such deep love. She LOVES giving cards and gifts to others. She spends a lot of time writing cards and making gifts for those she loves. She is lavish in her giving and she is not one to just randomly give gifts she thinks you should like...she observes what you like and then tries to find a way to get it for you. She has already memorize one chapter of the Bible and now she is well on her way to her second. It comes easily to her. You don't even think she is paying attention and then she out of the blue spouts the whole thing off to you. She loves animals. She loves flowers. She will stop where ever she is and crouch down and look intently at a flower and just soak in it's beauty. She notices the details. She is always making up songs that actually make sense and rhyme. Hers is a world FULL to the brim of colour, life, creativity, and adventure. It's all out. And then there is her other side...she is quiet and needs down time. She can putter for two hours entertaining herself and playing quietly. She is a loving, sharing, and fun sister...she has started to teach herself to write and read.
I love watching her and teaching her about God. The concepts she grasps are incredible. She thinks through these deep things and then comes back and asks profound questions and then goes away and thinks some more. She's a wonder that one.

She's only 5! I can't wait for the rest of her life. It's going to be FUN!
Our prayer for her: Lord give Portia wisdom and understanding. Do not let her forget Your words or swerve from them. Cause her to love wisdom and to value it above all other desires and accomplishments.

Stylin' Girl

2010-05-26T10:15:00.000-07:00

I thought I would put up pictures of a sampling of Portia's creativity in dress. I don't dress the girls except for Christmas and Easter. Other than that they are free to choose their clothing in whatever order they would like to wear them.

I don't wanna vs. I didn't

2010-05-26T10:07:00.001-07:00

The pain of staying the same vs. the pain of moving on. I have been experiencing that since January in regard to my personal fitness in particular. As I look back over my life there are windows of opportunity that I can think of that have never come again...things that I didn't grab the opportunity and run with and it has affected my life to this day. I love my life...but there things that I wish I had grabbed onto. And now I believe the time is now for my personal fitness. A person only has so many opportunities...even in the land of opportunity.
I have found such relief in doing something, even though it's not major, in the the area of exercise. It's like when I put off housework and then I finally just start puttering away at things...there is relief and I enjoy it and I wonder what took me so long...the mountain wasn't really a mountain.

Portia-ism

2010-05-19T22:46:00.000-07:00

So Portia said to me one Monday, "Mommy I would like some girled chicken."
To which I responded, "GIRLed?"
"Yes Mommy GIRLed...grilled is wrong. It's girled chicken."
Mercedes and I had a good giggle...as did Shaun when I told him.
Oh the joy that little sweet beauty brings.

Whipping cream is "whooping cream"
Calamari is "calamardi"
Croutons are "Coupons"

There is no swaying her on these things. She is not a follower that is for sure! I love it!

A Run In...

2010-05-17T23:10:00.000-07:00

Last week I had a run in with a person that was difficult. It cut deeply. It was uncalled for and mean and thankfully that person has since apologized. But it stirred up a whole batch of worms regarding other someones that I truly did not know what to do with and although that person apologized...well they will need to earn back trust. I will not be flinging my arms or my heart wide open to them anytime soon...not out of spite but out of...maybe wisdom. It's not safe. And I would be foolish to do it. And I don't like being foolish.

But it made me think again about conflict and conflict resolution and about life. I used to be one who always liked to hit a conflict dead on right away because I hate conflict so much I just wanted it over with. Then I went through just avoiding conflict and not addressing it at all thinking it would go away. And it did until that pile of dirt that had been swept under the carpet came to light again...and again...and again... Then I went back to shoving myself and everyone else through to a resolution whether they wanted too or not. Then I stopped talking about anything controversial because let's face it in a family of strong willed people, myself completely included, controversial just reads conflict. I would alter between letting people walk all over me to if you lifted a little toe in my direction you had better watch yourself. None of this was healthy behaviour and none of the self help books where actually helping me. And I was getting more and more angry. Then I "stumbled" upon a brilliant thing...I read my Bible. And I really studied it. And I am working on implementing what God has to say b/c really it does work...funny that.

So it all goes back to the armor of God in Eph. 6:10-18.

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. 12For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. 14Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, 18praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints."

This is taken from a series of sermons from Pastor John Fichtner from Liberty Church.

There is a key element in there for conflict resolution...the belt of truth. It's the very FIRST thing put on (vs. 14). OK so what it truth? In our world "truth" gets a little foggy! But really it's pretty simple. Truth is understanding every perspective on a situation. Seeing every belt loop. I like that imagery. It really helped me to make sense of it...because it you think about it as my perspective is one belt loop but seeing as the belt goes through ALL the belt loops even the ones on the other side of the waist...I need to take a look at all of them. If I only stick to my belt loop then I am stuck to my perspective. And my desire is not truth but to be right! So I have to choose between being a belt loop or will I have the belt of truth? On a side note...this has nothing to do with agreeing with other perspectives. I am simply learning what's important to that person, what they are feeling, and what they would like from me.

Secondly, Eph. 6:14 says, "Stand firm then, having girded your loins with truth". "Gird your loins" was a colloquialism that meant "be blunt". Just giving in or being a "nice person" is not a Godly trait. One cannot do that and have truth. Passive compliant people can be the most "controlling dominant: people, because they were never honest and thought it was a good thing. And since "truth us understanding everyone's perspective on an issue" it includes them understanding your perspective.

Understanding:

Provers 4:1,7; 2:11, 18:2, 20:5, Ps. 32:9, 49:20, Matthew 13:23.

In Matthew 7:1-5 Jesus talked about getting the log out of your eye before you get the speck out of someone else's eye. It goes in reverse too.

How blunt do you get? Proverbs 17 says " He who covers over an offense promotes love, whoever repeats the matter separates friends". Matthew 7:1 "By your standard of measurement , it will be measured back to you." Respond in kind...now blunt does not equal abrasive or mean.

Eph. 4:12-15 How does Paul define and infant? 1 Cor. 3 "Aren't you still infants? For since there is quarreling and strife among you, doesn't that prove you are infants? Instead speak the truth in love, we will in all things grow up."

Eph. 4:25-27, 31 watch the context- "in your anger do not sin", etc. The context is disagreements, and the solution is to speak the truth to your neighbor.

In Matthew 30 times Jesus said "I tell you the truth..." not "I understand or think about or imagine or impart" I tell you the TRUTH! Truth is not proven to be truth until you speak it outloud.

Speak truthfully:

Psalm 15; Proverbs 15:13; Lev. 19:17; Isaiah 45:19; Jeremiah 7:28;9:5; Zechariah 8:3, 16; Romans 9:1; Galatians 4:16.

Humility + Honesty = Truth

Psalm 51:6

Once you have argued their side you ask them to hear your side and get it. Most of the time people will. They may get feisty because they won't like the switch from you hearing them and understanding to "their turn". It's generally not a problem. Sometimes they simply won't do it. But if they won't you cannot really walk in relationship with them.

Mainly though there is one thing to remember...our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore, put on the full armor of God...

or..."this is not an afternoon athletic contest that we'll walk away from and forget in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-and-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels. Be prepared. You're up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued so that when it's all over but the shouting you'll still be on your feet.

**When you put on the armor of God you become indestructible because you have no enemy. You merely have a lot of teachers who will teach you truth.**

There is obviously more in depth to be had and if you would like that go to http://www.libertychurch.org/streaming/audio/topical_series.php and click on "conflicts". There are several GREAT sermons here that I have gleaned from and much much more to gain.

A big trip to....Reno

2010-05-04T08:33:00.000-07:00

In the middle of April we got the privilege of going to see my family in Reno. Everyone looks at me really strangely when I say we went to Reno for a week. I guess people don't find it much of a destination. I was actually born there and lived there for a bit of my early childhood. And my mom's family lives there...as well as my dad and little sister. I haven't been around since then except for one spring break when I was 16 my mom and I went down for a visit. Shaun and the girls has never met most of my family and so this was a first for them as well.

I can't explain to you all that went on for me in this trip because there is just too much internally. It was good though.

There is nothing quite like your family of origin. Just being around them is nice. I've missed it. I just soaked in all the people all week. I don't regret not being around because I can't go back and change it but there is something about knowing where you come from, who your people are, knowing that they love you and being there for the hugs that is so important. There is a comfort there that can be found nowhere else on earth. I think it helped Shaun to understand me a bit more too.

I am so thankful that we got to go. I will mull over that visit for awhile. I am hopeful it will be a more frequent event.

And in July we get to go down to Rodondo Beach and visit with my dad's side...it's a big year. :)

Happy Birthday to my beautiful Mama

2010-04-28T00:42:00.000-07:00

You're amazing! I don't know where you find the intestinal fortitude to do all you have done and all you do. You are such a sweet sweet giving woman. Over the years that I have had the privilege to be your daughter the example you have set before me and now the next generation of girls in this family is beautiful. As a mother you are selfless, generous, young at heart but wise in your way, brilliant, a God-chaser, forgiving, loving, a free spirit, hilarious, courageous, undaunted, creative, resourceful, determined, optimistic...the list could go on and on. But in all a mighty woman of God who loves without reserve and a smile that still reaches to your eyes.

I am blessed to be your daughter. My daughters are blessed to be your granddaughters. Shaun is blessed to be your son. You have set forth a legacy that is a treasure and that will not end. Life has not always been kind but you have traversed it with a grace and a beauty that is rare to behold.

Mark this woman for she is a woman of worth...a beautiful woman of worth. I know...I'm her daughter.

Mercedes turns 7

2010-04-28T00:19:00.000-07:00

My precious Mercedes-girl! You have grown so. You are so beautiful and tall...my baby no longer. You are so wonderful. So caring and sharing and thoughtful. So sweet and generous. Justice is important to you. You love to run and play and ride your bike. You love doing that! You are still my outdoor girl. You love to cook and learn new things. You are so meticulous and careful. So trustworth and capable already! You are already a leader...a good one. My little eagle eyes. There is not much that escapes your notice.

Thank you God for entrusting her daddy and I with this treasure. The years are flying by... already at 7. Wow!

I will ALWAYS love you my girl. No matter what you may do...or don't do. It's a given! You are loved...and even more than I am capable of loving you...God loves you. Walk confidently beautiful girl. You are loved. Walk securely my beauty...YOU ARE LOVED by so so many but most importantly by your Creator. You are the apple of His eye. May you always feel His loving gaze and may you grow up to be His mighty warrior princess.

Happy 7th Birthday My beautiful Miss M.

Portia isms

2010-04-28T00:03:00.000-07:00

So Portia is funny, surprising, and sweet! I mean we all know that b/c...well...I've told you!

-We were driving and she is like a dog on a bone when she gets something into her mind. No matter how much you answer her she won't let it go until she gets the answer she wants. This particular day I was very tired and I had answered her several times (my bad...generally I keep it to 1 time answer rule) so finally I said, "Portia ask Daddy when we get home." Which was really not fair to Shaun but I was desperate by this point. She, with much sympathy and speed responds in her sweet sweet little Portia-girl voice, "Why Mommy? B/c you just can't handle it today?". I must say that a lot!

- As I mentioned Shaun has been teaching the girls Psalm 24 before bed and Mercedes has it down pat. Portia has never seemed to be listening, nor has she said it at any point in the memorization period out loud AT ALL. She just putters while Shaun and Mercedes work. So, for once, Portia was done brushing her teeth before her sister. So Shaun asked her if she wanted to go over Psalm 24 before they started memorizing their next chapter. She looked at him and then just said the WHOLE chapter...no help...my 4 year old knows a WHOLE chapter of the BIBLE! Pretty cool! And what a smarty pants!

-Yesterday Portia was asking me some questions about Jesus and then she turned to me and said, "Mommy do you think "so and so" knows Jesus?" I said I didn't know if she did to which Portia responded ,"Well next time I see her I'm going to ask her...I've never asked her that before Mommy". She said it like she had just come upon a thought and then determined it was REALLY important to do. So Precious!

She thinks deeply but you don't realize it because she is usually laughing and making others laugh. Then she comes out and says the most profound things. Just like her Daddy that one.

The first chapter...

2010-04-12T19:42:00.000-07:00

From the time the girls could sing with me I have put scripture to little songs and taught them Bible verse that way. They have several under their belt now and it's fun to hear them puttering around the house singing God's word. For a few months now right before Shaun puts the girls to bed every night they have been working on memorizing Psalm 24...all 10 verses. Shaun carefully taught them what each word meant so that they would not only recite it but also know what they were saying...words like "vindication". This was the first time they had set out to learn a chapter of the Bible.
2 days ago Mercedes came up to me and said the it in it's entirety with not one single bit of help all from memory. I started to cry. I don't know if you have ever heard a child speak something so precious to you. It was a sweet sweet moment that I will never forget. What a precious gift she gave me in that minute. I was also quite astounded and amazed! Portia can also say most of it but M has it down pat. I am so proud of her, so proud of Shaun for teaching them and so proud of Portia for listening and learning as well. After she said it the verses to me I told her that now she had that WHOLE chapter of the Bible memorized and hidden in her heart and I explained to her how important that was...she would have that treasure for the rest of her life. She thought about that for a minute and then just smiled in a thoughtful and sweet way. I could tell she was thinking intently about that and liking it.
Here is what she memorized:
The earth is the LORD's, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it;

for he founded it upon the seas and established it upon the waters.

Who may ascend the hill of the LORD ? Who may stand in his holy place?

He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not lift up his soul to an idol or swear by what is false.

He will receive blessing from the LORD and vindication from God his Savior

Such is the generation of those who seek him, who seek your face, O God of Jacob.
Selah (means pause and reflect)

Lift up your heads, O you gates; be lifted up, you ancient doors, that the King of glory may come in.

Who is this King of glory? The LORD strong and mighty, the LORD mighty in battle.

Lift up your heads, O you gates; lift them up, you ancient doors, that the King of glory may come in.

Who is he, this King of glory? The LORD Almighty—he is the King of glory.

And then she...

2010-03-30T19:41:00.000-07:00

Portia appeared downstairs waaaaay after bedtime a few nights ago. She said "Daddy!" in a breathy excited voice with a little bit of a giggle and a little bit of awe thrown in. "Daddy, Mercedes and I were playing that I was the mommy and she was the baby and that I was singing her to sleep and she was pretending to fall asleep...and then you know what Daddy? She actually fell right asleep!" I asked her if she covered her with a blanket and she said, "yes I did. She's all cozy Mommy."

Mercedes had fallen fast asleep under Portia's bed. I just had to sneak up and take a picture :)

My Portia...what a sweet sweet girl you are. How I love you and your sister. :)

Goodbye 32 and Hello 33!

2010-03-30T18:52:00.000-07:00

Last week was my birthday! We had the privilege of going up to Whistler during the Paralympics and hanging out a bit with my cousin Ricci and finally meet her husband Danny...we even got to meet Danny's parents briefly. My mom came up. It was so nice to see her and just hang out a bit. We got to stay at the Westin in Whistler for 3 sleeps! It was SO refreshing and relaxing. We swam every day in the hotel pool. It was lovely.
About the 2ND day in I started to get all creative and energized and that's when I realized just how draining, exhausting, etc. the last little while had been...so stressful that I stopped the workout program that I had started earlier. The stress paralyzed me in a sense. It was interesting. I am not sure why I freeze when high stress occures...but it is something that I do every time and have just realized that I do it.
Anyway, in my renewed creativity and re-energization (is that a word?) I realized just how disappointed in myself...and really upset with myself I was. I had stopped moving towards a goal that was really important to me and the fall-out was astounding in my personal life. I wasn't as good of a mother, wife, friend...really person. That too was interesting to realize.
So for this year for my birthday I gave myself a goal...to live this next year moving towards the goal of getting healthy, fit, and more active.
I really don't like talking about this. It's embarrassing to me how far my weight has gone. I have withdrawn inside a bit and am not the person I was because I am not comfortable with my outward appearance. It's a struggle that has been going on for about 10 years now. It seems to take me that long to some to resolutions...10 years! I may be slow but once I reach that point...and you all know that point...I don't normally look back. I can't think of one time in my life that I have yet anyway. Why does it take me 10 ? Seriously! I can think of several really important things that have taken me 10 years of processing and learning and thinking to finally move on! Baffling.
Another 10 year epiphany I have come to has to do with relationships. Not gonna go into detail b/c the struggles I have been having with some people do not need to be flouted across the internet...but I have come to realize that I try to hard. That may sound like a complement to myself but it's NOT! It's not a desirable character trait in a person I have come to realize. Not everyone needs to be my best friend. We don't need to work EVERYTHING out with EVERY person. And my husband is right...letting a person not be a close friend or even a friend is OK! You know how it is, some people you just click with and it was meant to be. Some people you try for 10 years to make a friendship and it's like running on coals or having the flu or bursting an appendix...it just doesn't work and it hurts. So I'm not doing that anymore. :) I know...I'm slow. But hey! Eventually I learn. I am learning to guard my heart. Not getting cynical or anything...and still able to interact in a civilized manner with them...
I also see myself not draining all my energy on those not-to-be relationships and having more time for the healthy meant -to-be relationships. :) More room for the good things God has laid out before me. Since I have let those other relationships go God has brought about 30 PHENOMENAL people into my life and I actually have the energy for them :).
So...that is where I am at right now. I love getting older! I love learning and living and being. I am learning to be in the moment more and more instead of an observer of the moment. :) I'm lovin' it...even without big mac, fries, and a coke. ;-P
And by the way I have again started to work out and work towards the goals I have..for about a week now. Yay!

and then...the storm broke.

2010-03-02T15:58:00.000-08:00

Since posting my last post on "rest" it has been anything but restful. In fact I would dare say we are in a bit of a crisis mode. I won't bore you with the details. Suffice it to say...if you think of it pray for us and for wisdom. It's nothing between Shaun and I or anything like that...so don't worry. It's just life.
I have been finding much comfort in the Bible. I was at my whit's end the other day and my Bible fell open to Psalm 37. What an amazing chapter! It just soothed my soul. A few lines stood out...
vs. 3 "Trust in the Lord and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper."
vs. 5 "Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you."
vs. 7 "Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act."
vs. 8 "Stop being angry! Turn from your rage! Do not lose your temper—it only leads to harm."
vs. 16 "It is better to be godly and have little than to be evil and rich."
vs. 23-26 "The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand. Once I was young, and now I am old. Yet I have never seen the godly abandoned or their children begging for bread. The godly always give generous loans to others, and their children are a blessing."
vs. 39, 40 "The Lord rescues the godly; he is their fortress in times of trouble. The Lord helps them, rescuing them from the wicked. He saves them, and they find shelter in him."

There are a lot of little jewels in that one chapter. I have been mulling over them still. The word of God cleanses my soul. It strains out the gunk (that is the professional term).

Unforced Rhyths of Grace

2010-02-02T13:56:00.000-08:00

Lately, it seems, that God has given our family a season of rest. It's been nice...no scratch that...it's been LOVELY! Last year was a very taxing year for us. No time to stop and think. There was a lot of adjusting going on and sickness. This year...rest. I am extremely thankful. We all needed it. Our souls and body were weary.

It's been interesting because the rest hasn't come in forms that I would have chosen but I think they have been more effective than my chosen route. For example, Shaun lost his job in July and really didn't have work until November. That allowed more family time and a forced slow-down. We had less money so we got creative and in the end spent more time with each other instead of just doing things. When you don't have money it takes out the "stuff" element and forces a personal and creative element. We have gotten to go away a few times on different little trips...not my version of a holiday but they both ended up being much more restful. And another thing I have noticed...when we have relaxed and let God lead we have gotten our prayer of "use me" answered in the rest times as well. I love it.
Ps. 23:1-3 says this, "God, my shepherd! I don't need a thing. You have bedded me down in lush meadows, you find me quiet pools to drink from. True to your word, you let me catch my breath and send me in the right direction."

Matthew 11:28-30, "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

Haitian Earthquake...a first-hand account.

2010-01-14T13:16:00.000-08:00

I went to school with a girl in college who now lives in Haiti. Her husband was right in the middle of the earthquake and tried to rescue several people ending up only being able to rescue one. They are the full-time in-country directory of Clean Water for Haiti. The first entry is about donating for this disaster and the second one is his first-hand account.
Here is his first-hand account:
http://rollingsinhaiti.wordpress.com/
Here is a photo journalist's blog of pictures. Let them break your heart: http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2010/01/earthquake_in_haiti.html
and here is his second entry titles "Haiti 48 hours later": http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2010/01/haiti_48_hours_later.html
Pray, Send Money to a credible relief effort...DO SOMETHING. Many lives depend on it. And if it was you...or your children...wouldn't you want someone to help. Haiti is a VERY poor country that has been hammered over and over again by natural disaster as well as not so natural disaster of cruel people.
Here are some credible relief efforts who will not pocket your money:
Clean Water for Haiti:
http://www.cleanwaterforhaiti.org/
World Vision Canada:
http://www.worldvision.ca/give-a-gift/Pages/EarthquakeinHaiti.aspx?mc=4153730&gclid=CMLR-c3mpJ8CFQNSagod4kW8Zw
World Vision USA:
http://donate.worldvision.org/OA_HTML/xxwv2ibeCCtpItmDspRte.jsp?funnel=&item=1958776&section=10324&go=item
etc. There are many credible relief efforts under way.

Renewing

2010-01-08T14:07:00.000-08:00

January always seems to be synonymous with renewing. Starting over. Trying again. We have built it into our culture it seems with New Years Resolutions. Spring is natures time for renewing but us humans like the turn of the new year...maybe we're bored or finally have enough time to pause and think about what's important to us in the dead of Winter.

For many years I have not done resolutions because, well maybe a few reasons. I don't know. Maybe I was afraid. Afraid to put whatever it was, that I wanted to start over with, out there for people to see and thus give myself the opportunity to fail. Maybe I figured that if it was really something I was going to do I would have resolved to do long before New Years and thus it was not necessary.

For me resolutions are something that has been a long time coming. Something that has been planted by a gentle nudge from my Saviour many times. He allows things to brewing in my soul for a LONG LONG time. He helps me process and thinking and wrestle. He brings Godly counsel into my life just at the right time...His perfect time. God has walked patiently and gently beside me. HE is my sustainer. He is my strength. He is my wisdom. He is my joy. Without Him nothing would have been thought through, struggled with, or refined and worked towards resolution.

The resolution is just the tip of the iceberg...a verbalization of huge things that have been being dealt with inside. They are never a completely new thought...for me. I can't be resolute on new thoughts or something that is still being worked out in my inner woman. That's just me.

This year, though, these resolutions and New Years were in the same timing. So I made some "New Years Resolutions" of sorts. I haven't given myself a time limit to complete them in. I have started to take baby steps to get me there. I am thankful for that.

Most of my resolutions are very typical to other people's. Nothing earth shattering. But for me they have been 10 year processes that are finally coming to fruition.

Philippians 3:13 says, "I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead..."

Revelation 21:5 (Amplified Bible) And He Who is seated on the throne said, See! I make all things new. Also He said, Record this, for these sayings are faithful (accurate, incorruptible, and trustworthy) and true (genuine)."

I am excited to see what the future holds in these areas that have been very painful and many years in the making. And no I am not going to tell you exactly what they are. I'm sure you'll get the gist over time.

Knitting and Thinking

2010-01-06T14:21:00.000-08:00

Today during quiet time I decided to knit (I can't decide if that makes me sound old or crafty). This was the first time I have knit without watching a movie while I did it. I just sat there and worked. As I worked I started the think and pray. I don't think knitting via circle loom is the fastest way to get the job done but that's OK with me. I don't mind. I can see progress being made and at this point in my life I need to see some tangible progress in something I am doing because as all us parents know it sure it's readily seen in parenting.
So I was looking at each loop made over each peg and I was trying to figure out how to go faster and I realized I would likely get careless if I went faster. For a second I thought I might not care but that second passed...well, in a second, and I realized I would care if the afghan was not done to the best of my ability. As it is there are some flaws but that was not due to carelessness. I simply messed up. There is a difference. Which brought be to my second train of thought...this is kind of like parenting. It's the day in and day out little things that, in the end, make up a whole childhood, a character developed, a direction for a life or at least a framework to work with. It was a little reminder that I need to not get careless in my parenting. If I mess up that is one thing...if I get careless, just like in my afghan, that is a completely different ball of yarn...as it where.

Changes and insomnia

2010-01-05T12:47:00.000-08:00

Well this morning I slept late and it started last night when I couldn't go to sleep. I have trouble getting to sleep often. It's a frusterating cycle. So now I am finally done my morning (workout and proper eating and all...yeah for that part) at almost 1 o'clock! double decker big *sigh*! Now it's time to do school. I will have to fill you in on life later...like in 6 months. But for now I am working on reworking life as I know it in a BIG way. And needless to say that although I slept in when I did wake up I honestly didn't want to get out of bed and face the day b/c it completely overwhelmed me. But after 30 minutes of talking myself into in...I got up and am going full tilt. It's nice to workout again and it feels good. I just wished I had started earlier.
I have to say God has really been speaking to me about disciplining certain areas of my life. I am a bit of a dichotomy. I am extremely disciplined in most areas of my life...to rigidity. Then there are 2 or 3 areas that I just have NO discipline. I was thinking about this over the holidays and realized I, in fact, like it that way. But it's not good enough. So some major reforms are in the works. Will keep you posted. :) Should be an interesting journey.
Ciao for now faithful reader.

Happy New Year 2010!

2010-01-03T01:23:00.000-08:00

WOW! I can't believe it's 2010! A whole new decade in this relatively new millennium. We spent New Year's Eve over at Dad and Nan's house with my mom, the girls, and Shaun's grandparents on his dad's side. We had a yummy supper and relaxed. It was very nice. On that night I felt a little overwhelmed with how blessed I am.
As I looked at each face in with me that night I contemplated the relationship they and I have.

My mom was there laughing and taking pictures and being her usual joyful self. Words are not sufficient to describe our relationship nor it's depth. Sometimes it's complex and mother/daughter-ish and other times it's an easy friendship and through it all is woven a deep love, bond, and strength. We have weathered A LOT together. My mom has stood by me and loved me and lavished her affection on me through thick and thin. And now she does the same to my husband and my children. I draw from her wisdom and grace often and I am thankful to be able to do that. I am blessed to have her as my mom and my friend.

Shaun...my best friend, my love, my joy. We have now been married 11 + years. There is a strength and a depth in our marriage that is pure joy and delight to me. Shaun is the one that I can't wait to share any little thing and every big thing that comes my way. I love how he loves our girls. He is the best daddy a mama could ever pray to have for her children. I look forward to the journey by his side. I am blessed to have him as my husband, my soul mate, and to parent our girls with him.

My beautiful angel-girl Mercedes...what can I say? She's one of the two most delightful children I have ever had the privilege to meet. She has a beautiful voice. She is so very sweet. She is so sensitive and loving. She sees people...I mean really sees them and she loves them. She has a compassionate heart. She sees the many layers of a person even the undertones. She is a good listener. She adds such a richness and joy to my life. I look forward to getting to know her and watch her become the mighty warrior princess I know she will be for her King.

My beautiful princess Portia...my other delight who fills our days with laughter and song. What an intuitive bright light. And what a tough cookie! She's my little pixie who sparkles. A little cuddle-bug. She too brings me so much joy. What a gift she is! What a treasure. I love watching her becoming...well her! Every day is an adventure. Every day offers a whole day full of things to find joy in and laugh the best belly laugh a mama's ears could ever hear. She's my little joy bubble. She lets me in and embraces me fully. I look forward to getting to know her better and better and watching her, too, become the mighty warrior princess she will be for her King.

Our girls are so very different from each other that they complement each other and add a richness to our family. They are rare and precious jewels. I am blessed beyond expression to be their mama.
My father-in-law Cam...We have now had 12 years to form a relationship and I have to say that, by God's grace, it's lovely. He has been very patient and gracious with me and let me draw near to him as I felt comfortable never pushing. The difficult patches have made the place where we have come too all the sweeter. I love how he loves Mercedes and Portia. I love how his eyes light up with such joy when he sees them. I am blessed to have the privilege to call him Dad and to be his daughter...our children are blessed to call him Papa.

My mother-in-law Nan...we came into the Huth clan together. It's been an interesting and never boring adventure and I am thankful that I have had her graceful strength and tenderness on the journey. I am thankful that while my children are not her "blood"...they might as well be. She has taken on this family with all her strength and immense love, as we are, and I love her for it and am better because of it. I am blessed to be her daughter-in-law.

Grandma Huth...I have watched her over the years love her family fiercely and with joy. She always has smile and a hug to offer. These last few years have been difficult and yet she faces them with joy and grace. She has learned the art of resilience. It is good to have 4 generations in one room. There is so much wealth of experience there. I am blessed to be her granddaughter.

Grandad Huth...I have always had a soft spot for him. He always is happy to see me and gives me big hugs and the usual banter. We bonded many years ago in Salmon Arm and that bond has stuck. His ever present good humour, jokes, and sharp mind are wonderful to behold. I am blessed to be his granddaughter.

And the One who is not seem but ever present...my life, my source, my strength, my Saviour. Without you none of this would be. I am blessed to know you as my Creator as my sustainer. Thank you for blessing me with such vast wealth in relationships.

Those are the faces that I had the privilege to see when I looked around the room on this New Year's Eve. And there are many more who were not present that night who have blessed me by pouring their love into my life. So thank you for loving me!

Happy 2010!

My Portia got her ears pierced today!

2010-01-03T00:45:00.000-08:00

Portia decided a bit ago that she was ready to get her ears pierced. I told her that for Christmas she could get it done. So today was the day. I didn't realize how nervouse I was about it until after it was over. Mercedes had cried quite heartily for about an hour after she got her ears pierced so I was not looking forward to going through this again. However, Miss Portia didn't even flinch! She is one tough cookie! We remembered to give her Tylenol beforehand (something we didn't even think about with M :(...poor girly!). I wanted to do it when my mom was here so that I wasn't the only adult present as Shaun does not like needles of any kind even the ones in guns for ear piercing.

Mercedes helped Portia pick out her earings. They chose the same ones that M had gotten.

Here are some pictures of my brave girl and her ear-piercing adventure.

After getting her ears pierced we sauntered over to Orange Julius for a drink. We all tried each other's drinks and even tried 2 drinks at a time (M's idea). Us girls had fun, after all, and accomplished our mission.

Portia's haircut

2009-12-14T08:46:00.000-08:00

Portia cut her hair a little bit ago. When I told her that we would have to cut off the rest she sobbed....literally! So I didn't pursue that further and set my mind to doing her hair so you couldn't tell. We used clips and headbands and all was well until she took them out. I figured I would just let her hair grow back in and trim the other hair so the shorter stuff could catch up.
On Thursday my niece Sam woke up and wanted her hair cut short. So Becca cut it and then sent me a picture. I showed it to Portia. She now wanted her hair cut too. She said, "I'm not concerned anymore mom. We can get my hair cut now." (There are days when she sounds 14 not 4!) So on Saturday, while we were at Shaun's side of the family Christmas Dinner Auntie Becca cut her hair.

So here is Portia before:

during the haircut:

(it was a community event)

(I think she was a bit nervous)

all that hair...gone!

and the final result...

she wanted to stand next to her "twin" Sam...

Still adorable as ever!

The next morning when I was doing her hair she commented that she wanted hair pretties so she didn't look like a boy. I think she is not quite sure about this look...but we keep reassuring her that she looks beautiful and that her hair will grow back.

Mercedes, on the other hand, is QUITE pleased about Portia's haircut because her hair is now longer than Portia's...which is a first!

2 Different Nutcracker Experiences

2009-12-08T18:30:00.000-08:00

My Mom took Mercedes to the Nutcracker when she was 4. Mercedes loved it. It was an extravagant gift that was wonderful! Her favorite part, and the part that he found the funniest, were the mice. She thought that it was SO funny that they wore clothes. She loved the dancing. After it was over she talked about it for quite awhile. My Mom told Portia she would take her when she was 4. So this last American Thanksgiving my Mom took Portia. She even wore the same beautiful dress. They drove off to Seattle for their big date! Portia had been looking forward to this for 2 years.

It was a very different experience. I think my mom wanted to poke her eyes out by the time it was over. This is what my mom said, "The first part of the Nutcracker with Portia was great because she wanted to buy the swan at the gift shop before the ballet began. When I told her that the swan was for a different ballet, Swan Lake, she said, "Grammie, we can just call it a goose!" Duuhhh! What was I thinking?During the first half of the ballet, she whispered in my ear, "... See More Grammie, the goose-swan just laid 17 eggs!". Ten minutes later she whispered again, "Grammie, the first egg just cracked!". So I got the giggles with Mercedes at four over the mice--she couldn't stop laughing because the mice had clothes on and everyone knows that mice don't wear clothes--and I got the giggles with Portia over the goose-swan and her eggs! I am SO blessed to have such wonderful girlies!!!"

It was just too long for her. She could not sit still and she was wiggling and squiggling and had to go to the bathroom during the best part. She said to my mom "The dancing is nice but it's just too loooooooong Grammie! I want to go!". My mom had a candy cane...so she asked Portia if she wanted to stay if she had a candy cane. Ohhhh that got her attention. She ate her candy cane and watched the rest of the performance quite happily. ...because of the candy cane. When asked what her favorite part of the performance was...the candy cane! My Mom gave a child CANDY!!!! Only a Portia could get my mom to give her a candy

Too funny!

hmmmmm...nothing to say...oh wait, apparently I do!

2009-12-08T17:53:00.000-08:00

When I started this blog I felt like I had so much to say...and I did! Lately, I have had not so much to say...not because I actually have nothing to say but because I think I get tired of writing the same story again and again. Or maybe it's because I have been learning and changing and growing and I didn't want to write anything until the process was complete so that I could see the results. Or perhaps some of it was that a few of the things I have to say are too private or don't need to be written. We have had a few losses lately and they have really hurt...but it's not something I want to talk about. It's not earth shattering or too life altering. I see others in much more pain...so sometimes it doesn't feel like I need to add my two cents of puny pain to the noise when there is deeper pain. We've also had some pretty cool things going on but more "my life is average" cool as opposed to SUPER cool...if ya know what I mean.
Really I am rambling. I felt the need to post something for no other reason than "it's been awhile".
People don't always want to hear that my marriage is great! The girls are awesome! and I love homeschooling! Which is the truth but it's really funny how people respond...they want more dirt or to see me fail at the whole homeschooling thing. Some days I find it humorous...other days...not so much. Well here's one for ya...today I wanted to shake M until her eyes crossed. I didn't of course...didn't even touch her other than to hug and kiss her. Her favorite thing to say to me for EVERY conversation for the last 2 weeks (and we have MANY conversations in a day) is "I don't want too!" or "I can't" in a really annoying winy voice. And today I was done. I told her those phrases are banished from her vocabulary and if she says them again she won't like the results. I love my girl and she is amazing. But lately I have had to pray A LOT more for wisdom when dealing with her...which I guess is not a bad thing!
Shaun was out of work for about 3 months. That was really rough. He got laid off due to the economy and so he restarted his renovation business. And if you have ever had a business you know that it takes a bit to get the wheels going before you get contracts...so we are still in that process. Shaun is working very hard and he is AMAZING at what he does.
As for me...really nothing super exciting. Homeschooling, with the exception of today, is going so well that most days I am just thrilled out of my socks. I have been slowly and fairly methodically going through the house and culling all the extra unnecessaries that make up clutter and mess. I am in the process of reading a book called "Sink Reflections" and it motivates me to keep going.
Pretty much every Monday night we have young adults (college age) over for a meal and hanging out. It's super fun and the group changes every week. We are back attending the church we were attending before we moved. It's a bit of a drive but it's worth it. I will be back on the worship team as of January after a year and a half break. I am looking forward too it.
We really are enjoying living in Fort Langley. It's such a nice small town feel in the midst of the city. I am not sure will ever want to leave.
I think that we are getting to the place in life where we would like to stay put and put down roots as well as build the business and not be detoured. I've never experienced that really so it will be a new kind of way to live. It sort of freaks me out and makes me happy all at the same time.
ok there ya go...over and out. 10-4 good buddy.

sowing

2009-11-17T14:14:00.000-08:00

"Sow a thought and you reap an act;
sow an act and you reap a habit;
sow a habit and you reap a character;
sow a character and you reap a destiny."

He satisfies my soul

2009-10-17T23:48:00.000-07:00

I am enjoying my days this year at a much more relaxed pace than last year. I actually have time to laugh with our children instead of watching them giggle together as I pass by. I have time to cuddle them and tickle them. I have time to sort through the mental files of my life and look at each page in that file and read it and ponder what it says. I have time to ask God to make me more like Him and actually listen when He responds with a directive of grace. I have time to notice when the house needs to be cleaned here and there and to actually do it. I have time.
I am finding, with a great amount of relief and joy, that I am thriving in this homeschooling adventure. I love organizing the lessons and getting everything prepared. I love teaching the girls things and getting through the material. I am learning many things as well. I love watching a light turn on. I love learning how to make that light turn on. I have a ways to go but I am looking forward to my own learning curve. I got to teach Mercedes what a Laconic Answer is...do you know what that is? I didn't but now I do and so does she. That makes me smile :D.
I don't dread the day because there is too much in it to accomplish this year. I look forward to the each day with energy and joy.
I am satisfied!
Psalm 103 says it all:
"Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits-
who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
The LORD works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed.
He made known his ways to Moses, his deeds to the people of Israel:
The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.
He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever;
he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust.
As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field;
the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more.
But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children's children-
with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts.
The LORD has established his throne in heaven, and his kingdom rules over all.
Praise the LORD, you his angels, you mighty ones who do his bidding, who obey his word.
Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts, you his servants who do his will.
Praise the LORD, all his works everywhere in his dominion. Praise the LORD, O my soul."

Wife/Mother...a page from the life of Mary

2009-10-12T23:45:00.000-07:00

You guessed it....I was listening to another Driscoll sermon :D. This one is the 3rd sermon from the Luke series. It is called "Luke: Jesus' Birth Prophesied" (www.marshillchurch.org/media/luke/jesus-birth-prophesied). You might be saying...alright already with Driscoll... ok. But this one...at the end touched to the very core of me.
In this sermon he talks about Mary. There are several things he goes through. But let me be brief. Mary was a girl of between 12-16 (likely, more like 12-14) years of age. She was a peasant...illiterate. From a backwater town of between 50-200 people. So she knew everyone and everyone knew her. She was betrothed Joseph. A poor, likely, illiterate, farm boy who was probably about her age. We don't even give this age driver's licences never mind the job to raise the son of God. They had likely known each other their whole lives. She was a good girl who loved God. She had a path set out all scripted...she would be betrothed for a year, marry Joseph, then have babies and raise a family.
Gabriel the angel shows up to Mary and says, "Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God. You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever; his kingdom will never end."
Mary asks how this can be since she is a virgin. The angel says, "The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called the Son of God. Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be barren is in her sixth month. For nothing is impossible with God."
and Mary says, "I am the Lord's servant. May it be to me as you have said." Then the angel left her.
She took God at His word and in that moment she was willing to give up her identity, her good name, her marriage...her script for her life.
She also chose to devote her life to being a wife and mother. In our world this is the last thing a liberated woman of the 21st century does. Do you realize that being simply a wife and a mother is looked down upon? It's not enough...it's one of the things to do but not the only thing and certainly not something that you let hold you back or down...after all the next generation is obviously not that important. Aren't you missing out on your true life's purpose? That is the thought of our day. I hear it all the time. I was not a great singer but I sung a lot and in many different places. I cannot do that now. I am a mom and a wife. My first priority is to those things. Many people ask me when I will start doing that again? And am I just wasting my education... my degree? I have wondered that as well. After all I am JUST a stay at home mom. I must be missing out on my true calling as I am watching the years stack one upon the other.
Well I think I will take a page from Mary's life. One of her son's was the Saviour of the world, another one (James) lead the first church in Jerusalem that had the biggest missions focus ever...and wrote a book of the Bible, and another one wrote another book of Jude. I wonder about her other children. She was a member of the first church her self and had a front row view and participation of the greatest events our world has yet to see. I think Driscoll is right, I don't think she was disappointed by her choice.
Choose your role models carefully. Those choices may impact generations to come.

From the Womb

2009-10-12T23:21:00.000-07:00

I was listening to another sermon from Mark Driscoll :D. This is his second sermon from Luke called "Luke" John the Baptizer's Birth Prophesied" (http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/luke/john-the-baptizers-birth-prophesied) Luke 1:5-24 talks about how the angel Gabriel showed up to a man named Zacharias and told him that his prayers have been answered and his wife will have a son. It says this, "But the angel said to him, "Do not be afraid, Zechariah, for your prayer has been heard, and your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you shall call his name John. And you will have joy and gladness, and many will rejoice at his birth, for he will be great before the Lord. And he must not drink wine or strong drink, and he will be filled with the Holy Spirit, even from his mother’s womb. And he will turn many of the children of Israel to the Lord their God, and he will go before him in the spirit and power of Elijah, to turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the disobedient to the wisdom of the just, to make ready for the Lord a people prepared."
Driscoll pointed this out...John was named by God, set apart by God for ministry, and filled with the Holy Spirit...in the WOMB! If that is not an argument for person hood from conception...
Like John, every baby ever conceived (whether born into this world or not) is known to God. Considering our cultures love for murdering our own children in the womb...and on the other hand every baby lost in miscarriage is known by him as well.
Shaun and I called our daughters by their names from the time we knew of their existence. They were named, loved, looked for. We anticipated them with deep love. How much more does God, the one we call Abba Father, love each one of these babies. He too is a parent.

A look at, what I thought was, a well known story.

2009-10-12T22:37:00.000-07:00

I was listening to Mark Driscoll preach his first sermon on a series he has just started recently. He just got back from Israel and has started a 3 year series on the book of Luke. The first one is called Luke: Eyewitness To Jesus (http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/luke/eyewitness-to-jesus an hour well worth your time) anyway, he mentioned something that really caught my attention.

When Jesus was on the cross, right after He said, " Father forgive them" (Luke 23: 36, John 19:28-30, Mark 15:36, Matt 27:48) the Bible says (depending on which book of the gospels you read) "After this, Jesus, knowing that all was now finished, said (to fulfill the Scripture), "I thirst." A jar full of sour wine stood there, so they put a sponge full of the sour wine on a hyssop branch and held it to his mouth. When Jesus had received the sour wine, he said, "It is finished," and he bowed his head and gave up his spirit."

I always thought (and was taught that this was an act of mercy...the sour wine being given to him. But Mark pointed something out. They had, in that time, public washrooms. You would sit on these platforms with holes in them in full view all lined up...there was a little canal of fresh water that ran near their feet. They would use that to clean themselves after using the bathroom. Some poor people saw a way to make money so they took a stick and stuck a sea sponge on the end and would wet it in that little canal and then clean the people once they were finished as they did not have toilette paper. After awhile they realized that people were getting diseases from using one sponge for many people so they would dip the sponges in vinegar or sour wine to clean them...so when Jesus was offered this "drink" it was not mercy it was one more taunt. This was Jesus' last taste on this earth. And He still offered forgiveness, love, mercy, and his life for ours.

Giving Thanks

2009-10-11T13:52:00.000-07:00

Lately, for some reason, (well to be honest I know the reason but they are other people's stories so I shan't share here) I have been feeling a little overwhelmed by life and the sadness of it. Really, I have nothing, personally, to be sad about! I am one blessed woman. But I have been having a hard time being thankful. So I was pondering this the other day and remembered averse in Psalms 51...well Psalm 51:15 to be exact. And it says this, "O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise."
So I prayed that and God was gracious...and I have been praising Him slowly but surely.
Sometimes we need help. And He offers it.
For that I am truly thankful.

This old world

2009-09-30T12:33:00.001-07:00

Ohhhhhh this old world...this decrepit sinful old world. You still contain so much beauty but the sorrow and misery, the pain and tears that go along with you sometimes feels like too much to bear. One day you will be gone and in your place will be a beautiful perfect version of you. He will wipe every tear from our eyes.

I am looking forward to that day...especially on days like today. My heart hurts and is weighed down...not for me but for the pain I hear about.

With every breath I live in hope for that day.

As side note on our theology on parenting

2009-09-29T10:10:00.001-07:00

After the last post if you think all is rosy at our house always...let me shatter your delusions. It's not so. We, as parents, are very strict and require much of our children. We fail and have agonizingly frustrating days as a result. But our plumb line is that we believe the Bible. And with that we believe that the Bible sets out some pretty high standards for kids and for parents to follow.

Proverbs 29:17 says, "Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart." and Proverbs 22:6 says, "Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." and Proverbs 13:24 "Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him" tell me 3 things:
1) Children are to be a delight...and if they are not being a delight something needs to be done so that they are. It's pretty easy in a situation to decide if they are being a "delight"...just ask yourself "is he/she being delightful right now?...you know the answer.
2) They need training in how to be a delight.
3) There is a big difference between punishment and discipline (one is correcting a wrong and the other is training)
*** on a side note: and NO i am not advocating beating your children. There, again, is a vast difference between discipline and abuse of authority when you allow yourself to lose your temper and take it out on a child.
When Shaun and I actually sat down and looked at the Bible as our handbook for parenting we were a bit shocked at how much it had to say. So we pray for wisdom for each child and proceed with caution and tenacity. There are also many good books...one I highly recommend is "Shepherding Your Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp.

Proverbs 19:18 says, "Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death." We have all seen undisciplined kids. If you follow it through to the end of the story...if they are never taught discipline they live undisciplined lives. Undisciplined lives most often leads to wrecked sad lives.

And Moms my biggest advice to you (since you asked :-D) is to LET your husband be a father. Don't step in an interfere with "oh she's just tired" oh "You haven't been here all day. You don't know or understand what is going on." God created dads with a completely different skill set than us mommies. We are the ones who know when our kids are dry and empty. But dads can spot resistance and rebellion a mile away while we mommies need to be smacked in the face with it a few times. Men are conqueror oriented. They are brilliant in sensing opposition in an opponent...and their children. We do our kids no favours by stepping in (again we are talking about healthy stable homes here...not abusive ones). They simply learn to look around daddy and ignore the vital lessons he has to teach them b/c mommy with save them. Not only do they succeed in dividing and conquering their parents but nothing is more emasculating for a father and husband and nothing more detrimental for your marriage and more defeating, in the long run, for your kids. And then on the tail end of that mommies...when Daddy has disciplined let daddy comfort his child. Don't let them run to mommy and be comforted and then look at daddy with that victory look that says it all, "HA! I got my way in the end!"...that basically erases whatever daddy has just done...And Moms while Dads do things differently, like comforting, it doesn't mean they do it wrong. It means they do it differently and God did give your children 2 parents with different skill sets for a very specific reason...they need the differences. So viva la difference!

I could keep going...

Actually there is no point to all of this if there is not an ultimate purpose. Hebrews 12:5-11 is the longest passage in the Bible about discipline.

"And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? "My son,do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him.For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives."
It is for discipline that you have to endure.God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good,that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."

For Posterity

2009-09-29T08:49:00.000-07:00

*The other day I put the girls down for a nap as they have had some late nights and have been a little under the weather. They had been up there for about an hour, and hadn't slept yet, when I heard this sobbing. Went upstairs after a minute to see what it was about. Upon peeking into their room I saw Mercedes leaning back against the wall in a sitting position with Portia's head on her lap. Mercedes was stroking her hair and talking softly to her. Portia was sobbing her little heart out and saying, "I just waaaant to be fooooouuuuuuuuuurrrrrrr." Over and over...and then....,"I don't want to be an adult" and I don't want any more birthdays...I just want to be foooooooooooouuurrrr"...she was wailing and sobbing like her heart was breaking. Mercedes was saying, "But you are four Portia. It's OK." Which brought on another round of the same. I took over at that point and just held her and and said "OK you can be four". (b/c anything else I said just brought on fresh sobs). I still have no idea what brought this on. It came on the heels of a very frustrating, busy, and exhausting week for Shaun and I. Once she calmed down to just hiccup crying she said that while she did not want the birthday parties and she still wanted to have the presents and she wanted Mercedes to still have parties.

*Mercedes learned how to ride a two wheeler on our 11th wedding anniversary. She had been practicing in our backyard for about a week all on her own on a little bike...basically getting her balance. So on this past Saturday we were finally able to have the bike great bike that was given to us fixed up and go to a big field near our house to "teach her" how to ride. When we got there Shaun was all prepaired to run alongside her and help her. She said, "No don't help me. I will do it." Shaun gave her one instruction to start on a bit of a hill. She got on her bike and pedaled away. No help! HA! She did it all by herself and she had it! Not one fall. That's Mercedes. She studies things carefully for awhile and then she executes it pretty much perfectly. It was pretty fun and amazing to watch.

*Shaun was cracking up the other day while loading up the car to go somewhere. Portia was chattering away and using words like "Apparently". Shaun had asked her a question and that was her answer. Not yes or no...but "Apparently!". It's quite a big word for a four year old and when said by said four year old is VERY CUTE!

I was pondering both the girls last night. Mercedes is a gem of a child. She has her moments of course but she pretty much is a very obedient, patient, helpful, responsible, thoughtful, good humoured, and sweet girl. There are many more wonderful adjectives I could use to describe her. At 6 she's just a delight! She is exploring her world and it's so much fun to watch her. She is growing so quickly. She pretty much stands as tall as my shoulder. She has lost one tooth and another one is on the way out. She is very tidy and organized and if you ask her to do a task 99% of the time you can count on her to complete it in a timely manner with excellence. She loves to be outdoors. She has a lot of energy. She could hike without tiring for hours. In fact her Papa is planning on making her his hiking buddy when she's just a little older. She is a born teacher. She has taught her sister so many things from grammar to etiquette.

Portia is a gem of a child as well but in completely different ways. She is hilarious, wherever she goes she brings joy, very creative, good humoured, sweet, She is pretty much the antithesis of her sister in how she goes things. Here is what I mean: she is very artsy, more random, she is very capable of organization but she goes about it in a more scattered creative way. But the finished product, if given enough time, is done with excellence and creativity. She enjoys the process. She is not competitive. Whenever Mercedes has done something or learned something (i.e. got her ears pierced or learned to ride a two wheeler) we have asked Portia if she would like to do the same and she says something like along the lines of "No I'm good." In fact the other day when Mercedes had ridden her 2 wheeler for the first time...upon being asked if she would like to do the same she said "No I am practicing piano right now. I need to celebrate that." She is really good at letting Mercedes celebrate and have her moments...which is important to Mercedes. At 4 she is a delight.

Both girls are amazing playmates to each other. As sister I am constantly amazed by their deep love and affection for each other. They pretty much get along...although I do have to say that the rule in the house is "If you do not get along you do not play. You sit on your bed until you decide you are willing to play sweetly." They have sat on their bed for, probably what adds up to, several hours. Each time they don't get along the time gets longer (escalating consequences and all) They have done the math and decided it's better to get along.

Anyway, I am thankful for these 2 precious treasures that God has entrusted into Shaun and my care. They are amazing girls. And we are having fun!

Mining

2009-09-24T13:38:00.000-07:00

There is a reason why the Bible says that "the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account. (Hebrews 4:12, 13).
I was reading today in 2 Timothy. This is a letter that Paul wrote to a guy who was a son to him while Paul was waiting for his execution by Nero. These words were some of his last before he died. So as you can imagine they were clear and to the point. They mattered. Here are some of the words that stood out so far.
"For the Spirit that God gave us is no craven (or cowardly) spirit, but one to inspire strength, love, and self-discipline." (1:7)
"I am suffering, bound in chains as a criminal. But the word of God is not bound." (1:9)
"Share in suffering as a good soldier of Jesus Christ. No soldier gets entangled in civilian pursuits, since his aim is to please the one who enlisted him. An athlete is not crowned unless he competes according to the rules. It is the hard-working farmer who ought to have the first share of the crops." (2: 3-6) It's not easy street. Make no mistake about that.
"If we have died with Him, we will also live with Him;
If we endure, we will also reign with Him;
If we deny Him, he also will deny us;
If we are faithless, He remains faithful - for He cannot deny Himself" (2:12, 13)
"God's firm foundation stands bearing this seal: 'The Lord knows those who are His' and 'Let everyone who names the name of the Lord depart from iniquity'." (2:19

It's only by mining the word of God for yourself that you will recover gems beyond price for your life.

Tattoed and Robe dipped in blood.

2009-09-24T13:22:00.000-07:00

This morning I listened to a sermon about Revelation....about Revelation 19 specifically. Mark Driscoll was the teacher. I HIGHLY recommend it. It's about an hour. It's the 9th in this particular series of 10. If you want a vivid picture of what Jesus looks like now...tattooed, robe dipped in blood... (as opposed to the Richard Simmons/hippy pacifist we seem to picture Him as) take a listen. This is the kind of God I can worship. If you want to know what the Bible says about the end of time and what's gonna happen. Take a listen. This sermon about sums it up for me.
http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/revelation/revelation-1-the-revelation-of-jesus-christ
P.S. SOMEBODY has got to get a better picture that depicts this more accurately. No more hippy Jesus.

My Provider

2009-09-17T12:26:00.000-07:00

Lately we have been having some interesting time with finances. Shaun got laid off from his job. It always takes awhile to get a business back up and running. He has been working very hard at doing that but still...in the lapse of time it's been hard. Before, when we've gone through this sort of thing we've altered our whole world out of panic. I have had sleepless nights with with stress in the past. Shaun and I have spent hours talking about solutions. When the reality was we just needed to stay put and keep pushing ahead with life as is. I think we have finally learned.
What has really been ringing loud and clear for me this time around is that God and God alone is my provider. He provides me with everything down to my every breath.
Hebrews 1:3 says that "He upholds the universe by the word of His power". WOW.
Philippians 4:19 says that He is our provider.
Luke 6:38 says if you give you will receive pressed down , shaken together and running over. We use the word Karma and think we have a new modern concept. It's actually a Biblical one...on a rabbit trail. I find it rather humorous when other religions or belief systems take what God said long ago and claim it as their original thought. OK off the rabbit trail.
Ephesians 3:20 says He can do more than we can think or ask.
Hebrews 13:8 says, "He is the same yesterday, today, and forever."
Isaiah 40:27-31 says, "Why do you say...'My way is hidden from the LORD, and my right is disregarded by my God'? Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles;they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."
Matthew 6:25-34 "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."
I could go on and on and on and on...
I have been thinking about some other things along this line. I have been thinking about the blessings that have been poured out on my life. So much so that I often cannot contain them. In North America we think "blessings" equals money. That if we don't have money then we are not "blessed". How twisted is that? I mean really! As I go through my Bible some of the most blessed people certainly did not have a nice comfy cozy life. And perspective here is essential...comparatively to the rest of the world we are so rich it's confounding...no matter how poor we are by our North American standard. I also know our choices impact us. For me to be a stay at home mom where we live...it costs us in the money department BIG time. But it's that important to us. We put a HUGE emphasis on family time and Shaun not working long extreme hours so he can be around and a very active dad. The money is just not that worth it to us if it means Shaun is never around. So there are consequences for the way we've chosen to live (as well as huge rewards). I am not discounting that.
In these times that try the soul, as it were, I see character woven into my life. I see myself more on my knees and more dependent on my Creator and looking less at the creation to satisfy me. I also can look back on the road that I have already traveled and see that God and I we've been here before and that last time we were here He was faithful and I know I can put my trust in Him again because He IS trust not just trustworthy. And in that I can rest. "He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul."
It all comes down to this, Do I really believe that God is my provider? And am I going to live like it?
Shaun and I are learning that for us the answers to those questions are "yes". And you know yet again God has proved faithful! We have not gone without...we have gone with less but not without. We have found that we have been in a position to be humbled and receive grace and blessing from others...a hard place to be but not a bad place. It's been a good thing...

Must go my girlies are needing mama time.

Kiva

2009-08-24T11:38:00.000-07:00

At Leadership Summit 2009 I had the privileged to sit and listen to a young woman, who is a Stanford graduate, be interviewed. Her name is Jessica Jackley. She is a co-founder of a company called Kiva.org, which means "agreement" or "unity" in Swahili. This company is "the world's first peer-to-peer online micro-lending website which allows individuals to lend as little as $25 to specific entrepreneurs, providing capitol to help them start or expand a small business. On average $100,00 is loaned on the Kiva website every 24 hours." Their payback percentage on these micro loans is 98.5%. It was started in 2005.
Here is a video clip http://www.pbs.org/frontlineworld/stories/uganda601/uganda-601.html?&c=4qt
I was captured by her and her heart for people. I was also captured by the concept. It was so simple and so amazing. It goes along with all that Shaun and I have been learning and seeking out. It helps to alleviate the poverty by not just handing over money but by "teaching someone to fish" as it were.

Take a look at http://www.kiva.org/

Liked Quotes from Leadership Summit 2009

2009-08-16T23:18:00.000-07:00

“”When something is missed it’s not because it was unforeseeable it’s because it was unpalatable.”
–Gary Hamel- (really loved how he articulated things)

“The Longer you’re down in the trenches it becomes easier to mistake your rut for the horizon”
-Gary Hamel-

“It’s ironic that most churches have been trying to turn themselves into organizations while organizations have been turning themselves into causes.” –Gary Hamel-

“Relationship trumps vision. We don’t need more visionaries. We need more relationaries.” –Dave Gibbons-

“Forgiveness does not mean: forgetting or that it’s ok, release from consequences, or reconciliation. Forgiveness does mean: that you give up your right for revenge.” –Wes Stafford (Compassion president…the book that we got at the Summit is called “Too Small To Ignore”)

“Not every reader is a leader but every leader is a reader.” –David Gergen-

“It’s easy to confuse motion with progress” –David Gergen- (this is the guy who served 4 US Presidents)

Chip and Dan Heath are 2 brothers who are Stanford and Harvard grads...one is a prof there...I loved how they worded things. They were talking about "change and problems"
-They mentioned something called "bright spot therapy". It's where a counselor will not delve into all the problems of a person but look at the things that ARE working...the strengths. "Big problems are rarely solved by big solutions"
-"we owe it to people to prepare them for adversity in change...how to deal with failure (which they called "the valley of insight")...have a growth mindset and built into this mindset is a tolerance for failure. It's not something to be avoided- it could be an early warning sign of success."
I really liked them.

“Irreducible core” Tony Blaire
He was talking about this "most people like to be liked as a leader. There are things to take a stand on and not be flexible. This is your irreducible core...even if it's uncomfortable for other people stand and possibly fall by it... Be prepared to walk away. " I just liked how he put it.

Getting Settled In To My Calling of This Season

2009-08-13T10:39:00.000-07:00

Hi my blogging friends. It's been awhile since I've had time to sit down and think. To be honest, I really don't have time today but I am taking it anyway. Sometimes you just gotta! The girls are playing happily for the moment. The dog is annoying the guy who is laying carpet in one of the bedrooms. Shaun is off working hard on someone else's house. I am putting aside all my mega tasks that I have on the table at the moment to just sit down and think for a few minutes.

Last week Shaun and I had the privilege of going to the Leadership Summit. Last year I had found it intensely frustrating. We were leaving a great church that we were involved in leadership in a few areas and moving to a church unknown. I was feeling a need to be a leader outside of my home to get away and have a break from motherhood responsibilities. And while I think that is all good and well, one year later I have a bit of a different perspective.

This year as I listened to the various phenomenal speakers I realized that I was mentally applying it to my roles that I do every day, the roles of wife and mother...but mainly mother. We will be homeschooling this year and, I think, for the first time I am settled into being at home and doing these things as opposed to filling in time at home and wanting to be doing the things I spent the pre-mother years doing and that which I am trained to do...my passions. While many of my friendds have managed to do both I, I have come to find out, am an all or nothing girl. Whatever I am doing I am fully engaged and focused on and I cannot do other things well. That is my default. I am learning, slowly, how to work around this...first I had to realize that's how it was for me though. So for me to be at home but longing to be doing other things meant that nothing actually got done well. In a sense I freeze. I don't know what to do b/c I can't do everything with all my strength...so I just stop. You would not be able to tell this by looking at my life. It looks very busy and somewhat productive. But mentally this is what goes on. I am not sure that I am articulating this very well, likely, because this is a new revelation for me and so I have not fully processed nor conquered

Another thing that goes along with this is that I am not a multitasker...yeah I know I'm a woman and that people assume that a woman and a multitasker are one and the same...this is not the case for me. My mom is an amazing multitasker and still doesn't get how I am not. She often looks at me in bewilderment when I just can't multi-task. It is a detrimental thing when you are a mom. The job basically requires it as a starting point. Motherhood is a constant interruption of thoughts and tasks. There are days when I wonder if I will go insane! But by the grace of God the love of my husband and children I do not!

I have to say that over the last year I got SO frustrated with not being content with where I was at that I finally started praying. Imagine that! I prayed that God would give me a passion for all that I needed to be a mother to these precious PRECIOUS gifts that He gave to me for this season. He took me up on this request and slowly and graciously has begun to grow this passion. I know it will be a process but I am encouraged. He has grown it to the point that homeschooling the girls is not an overwhelming burden on my heart but I am actually looking forward too it. I do not know what this year will hold or the next. I am kind of glad about that. It would be overwhelming I think.

If you talk to any mother, who's children are already grown, they will tell you that these years go by so quickly and to cherish each moment. A friend once told me that "the days are long but the years are short". It is a bittersweet thing. On one hand you sort of long for the never ending barrage to end. On the other hand you never want it to end. It's the hardest and best job one could ever have.

I do not want you to think that this is the complete picture of my motherhood experience. For it is not by a looooooong shot. It's just that, at this point in the journey, this is what God is working on in my heart and life. These beautiful girls bring me SO much joy, a fresh perspective, and a river of love that I never knew existed before I had the privilege and joy to be their mother.

2 Conversations with the girls.

2009-08-04T22:08:00.001-07:00

Today we were coming back from Victoria, the girls and I, on the ferry. We were eating and all of a sudden Portia says in a not so quiet (and yet not too loud) voice, "Look at that fat man mommy!" Now I knew someone was sitting down behind me about a foot away so I figured they heard. I whispered to her across the table that it's not nice to say stuff like that. She just looked at me quite unconcerned. About 2 minutes later that "fat man" asked me if I would like any of his ketchup packets as he had too many and he had noticed that we were using ketchup. Then about 15 minutes later when he was finished eating and leaving he stopped by the table and said "You girls are the 2 best behaved little girls I have ever seen" and then went on his merry way. At this point Portia started giggling quietly at first and then she burst out into a full giggle. When asked what was so funny she turned to Mercedes and said "MERCEDES he said we were BOTH LITTLE girls. I am the only little girl. You are a big girl right?" Mercedes agreed and they had a good giggle. As did I.

After we got off the ferry and were driving down the rode the girls saw a helicopter in the sky. Mercedes pointed it out to Portia and I. Portia said "helicopter". But she must not have pronounced it quite correctly because Mercedes started breaking down the word for her. She started with "Hell" "I" "Cop" "tor". started to repeat after her "hell" and then she stopped. "Hey Mercedes isn't has that a word 'hell'? Mercedes do you know what 'hell' means?" Mercedes replied, "No do you?" Portia "No but it is a word right" Mercedes said it was. At this point I jumped in and told asked them "Do you want to know what hell is?" They both said yes. "When we die we either go to Heaven or Hell. If you believe in Jesus and He knows you then you go to Heaven. If that is not the case then you go to Hell. Hell is where Satan lives and he is the most evil being. Hell is an awful place. " At which point Portia piped up VERY emphatically, "Well I am going to Heaven because God knows my name Mommy! He knows MY name!" I asked her if she believed in Jesus and she said "YES! And He knows my name". And then Mercedes and Portia went off the fact that God owns everything and had made the cows and the peacocks and the....everything! It was a lengthy list.

Those are the precious moments that I cherish.

I Love Summertime

2009-07-13T20:58:00.001-07:00

Well summer is here, mostly. We have had some wicked hot weather and I have soaked in every ray. Summer, for me, is the lazy time of year. The time of year to let your hair down and just relax. I don't think you actually end up relaxing more physically but mentally you do and that makes all the difference. So it's a mental thing.

Shaun is home now and I can't tell you how happy I am about that. It just makes my world go 'round the right way. The girls are more content...I even think the dog is more at ease and relaxed. There are berries to eat, flowers to pick, butterflies to catch, sunshine to absorb, tans to get, mud to roll in, and friends to hang out with. The world is beautiful and I am enjoying every second of it. I hope you too are having a relaxing and reviving summer.

Home again home again jiggity jig

2009-07-10T22:44:00.000-07:00

Well I couldn't take it. After posting the last blog I booked it out of BC to cow town with the girls in tow to see Shaun and hang out until he was free to come home. We had a great time! We got to hang out with the Milner and Miller clans. What fun 6 adults and 9 kids pretty much take over anywhere you go. Let's see we had 3 six year olds, 3 four year olds, a 2 year old, an 18 month old, and a 8 1/2 months old. It was riot. The kids got along so well and played and played and played.

I hadn't been to Calgary since 2000. If I had to pick a city in Alberta to like it's Calgary. I have so many good memories there. That's the city that we would head to for fun times in college, that's where Shaun and I would go on dates when we were dating, and we lived there for a short while.

There is nothing like old true friends with whom you just know you are loved regardless. Shaun and I are truly blessed. These 2 families are amazing. Their children have the joy of children who have 2 parents who love them and whose families are stable and strong. In our world this is a rare and wonder gift to behold. I don't know...I've said it over and over again in this blog but it bears repeating. Friends that one has walked down the path of life with for a long time and still remain your friend are people to cherish. They are a balm to the soul. They are one of God's richest gifts here on this earth that is so full of heartache. They are a reminder of all that is precious and true. I am thankful for my friends. I am thankful that we got to spend unexpected time with THESE friends over these last few weeks.

Sad but Thankful

2009-06-28T23:48:00.000-07:00

Today I came home from Calgary. I was in Calgary because Shaun is working there for...well he has already been there for 2 weeks and it could be another 4 weeks or it could be one more week. We'll see.
My mom graciously came and took care of the girlies from Thursday to Sunday so I could go and hang out with my husband for a few days. Last week Shaun came home after being gone for the aforementioned 2 weeks and basically slept the whole time as he has been working 12 hour night shifts.
Now here is what I am thankful for:
*I am thankful for God: my sustainer, the One who orders my days, the One who is all
*That Shaun has work and that he is a good and willing provider for our family
*That we are all safe and healthy
*That we got to see him.
*That this time away is not for several months or years
*That we love each other enough to achingly miss each other (even after being married for almost 11 years)
*The girls. I can't imagine life without them and they speak to me everyday of God and of Shaun and my love for each other.
*That the girls miss Shaun so much means that he is such an amazing and involved father that he is worth missing...a rare thing I think.
*That our bills are getting paid and some of our debt is getting a little whittled down.
*That I have a mom who is willing to give of her time, energy, and money so that I could go and spend some much needed time with my husband sans enfants.
*I got to spend an evening with my dear college roomie, Dorilee, and pick up where we last left off
*I am thankful for our students that live with us this summer. It makes the time not so lonely and miserable, especially Laura.
*I am thankful for Keiko my scary guard dog. She may lick people to death but don't mess with me or the girls you might find yourself on the wrong end of her rage.
*I am thankful that I got to go away from the girls and I am thankful that I get to be home and be mommy. I love my job. It's the best job in the world because of our girlies.
I am sure there are more things to be thankful for but that will do for now.
Really, Shaun being gone SUCKS! I HATE it. It feels like a part of me is missing and I physically ache. And you know what? I am thankful for that. I am thankful that after knowing him for 13 years I still love being with him and yearn to be with him and hate being away from him and can't wait to see him again.
Oh, and one more thing I am thankful for...that my husband HATES being away and he misses the girls and me. I am thankful that he can't wait to get home too!

Portia-isms

2009-06-01T22:31:00.000-07:00

There are so many stories that I could tell you about the hilarity level of my Portia. She is a RIOT! She just turned four and since she was born she has had this amazing belly laugh. It's, flat out, the best sound in the world. Well no, let me correct myself, it's one of the two best sounds in the world. The other one is when her and her sister are laughing together. Her second middle name is Allegra...which means joy and she has this incredible ability to bring joy where ever she goes. She makes me laugh out loud at least once a day...usually much more often.
Today was no exception. I was unloading groceries from the shopping cart into the car. She was sitting in the cart facing me. This lady walks behind the cart heading towards the store and Portia, without moving her head to look says in a somewhat loud voice, "HI LADY!" as she keeps staring straight ahead in the complete opposite direction of the lady to whom she was addressing the comment. She, of course, had a very impish look on her face. This was after she had been addressing me all morning as "Bay-buh". "Hey Bay-buh Mama" "Bay-buh what ya doin' Bay-buh?" Later, as I was getting her out of the car to go into the house I said very sternly to her "Portia you are not being very obedient!" To which she promptly replied, without so much as batting an eye with equal sternness, "Mommy you are being VERY grumpy today!" To which I replied, "No Portia I am being stern not grumpy. There is a difference!" "No Mama YOU are BEING GRUMPY!"
Yesterday, we were all driving to church and we were joking back and forth, all of us in the car, because Shaun was speeding in order to get to church on time. He was saying if an officer pulled him over he would say, "Office..." and before he could day anything more a voice pipes up from the back in a Boston accent "Forget about it! Don't worry about it!" Sounding very Sopranos or The Godfather-ish.
Honestly, I really don't know where she comes up with half the stuff that she comes up with but she is so good with words, rhyming and rhythms. She is a charmer and her comedic timing is impeccable! She is very bright and very quick to pick up on things. Between Portia and Shaun our house is in stitches much of the time.
And I am thankful. As the good book says, "A joyful heart is good medicine." So laughter is the best medicine and we are careful to take out daily does.

More stuff from the girls

2009-06-01T01:18:00.000-07:00

So I should be asleep...and I was until my youngest came in crying and crawled onto our bed at 12:50 a.m. "Mommy" she wailed "I have gum in my haaaaaaaaaaaaaair!" Yep she sure did have it MASHED right in there...in her hair, on her face, and her arms. I tell sleeping husband I need his help "#$%&&* just cut it out@##$%" (he is not so much helpful at night) "No! I am not going to cut it out. It's in a bad spot to just cut it out. I will get it out with peanut butter" "PEANUT BUTTER?!!!?!?!?" "Yes Peanut butter. Can you please check her bed to make sure that it's not all over?" "#$%^%&*" Only my Portia would get gum from her stash at bedtime and then fall asleep with it in her mouth. She was very cute though during the whole extraction process.
And now I am wide awake so I will tell you some more tales from this household.
On to the "most terrible mother award" story: A little over a week ago Miss M was going on a field trip to the fire station. She told me that she needed to bring some canned food for the food bank. OK. Well the morning of the field trip we get to school and get in line and I realized that I had not brought the canned goods. I exclaimed my dismay to a couple of the moms standing near and one of them said not to worry she brought extra just in case. Phew! So she hands me some items and I went over to my daughter. "I forgot to bring canned foods M but don't worry Bethany's mom gave me some. Isn't that wonderful?" She looked straight at me and nearly rolled her eyes, I think. Then she says, "Mom I brought some. They are in my backpack. See!" Niiiiiiiiice. My 6 year old is more responsible than I am!
More Portia cuties:
*Daddy and daughter were out together at Long and McQuade. As they were leaving the store daughter looks up at daddy and says " It's good for 3 year olds and daddys to hang out and blue eyes to stick together." (They both have blue eyes)
*I was getting Portia out of the car and then carrying her when she asked me a question regarding something she wanted to buy in the store. I promptly told her to "ask her father". She kind of muttered under breath "father? oh that is like mother" and then she said in a very commanding voice "MOTHER PUT ME DOWN!" and then she ran to "ask her father". I just cracked up.
*I had told Portia to get her bathing suite on so she was hunting for it. "Daddy have you seen my bathing suite? It's the one with the boob straps!" At which point Shaun and I look at each other with a "What did she just day?" look. "Shaun asked Portia "What kind of straps?" "Boob straps Daddy. You know the ones that hold up these" (at which point she grabs her chest and points with her other hand). Now really how in the world does one keep a straight face with that? I mean seriously! Where does she come up with these things? Boob straps?

HE restores my soul

2009-05-31T19:48:00.001-07:00

Lately I have been looking down ,what I hope will be, a much longer road of my life. As I look down that path I sometimes feel overwhelmed and a little anxious about it. Will I continue to seek God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength? Will I stay steadfast and finish well? When I stand before God, at the end of this road, will He say to me "well done enter into the rest I have prepared for you"? By the end of each day my body is weary and by the end of each week my soul has joined that rank of weariness. I often try to restore my own soul with filler things like movies and books. I often come away more taxed in soul than when I went into that time the aim of the whole thing missed.

This morning as I was at church listening to the sermon one of the scriptures read was the well known and well loved Psalm 23:

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads beside quiet waters,
He restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil, for you are with me;

your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

Do you know what stood out to me this morning as I was listening to those words? "HE restores my soul". Not "me" but "HE". It was a simple but wonderful reminder. It's a promise and it shows another facet of the character of God. I can't think of a better offer than a restored soul.

no reason really

2009-05-21T23:54:00.001-07:00

Today was a day. It was a day that by the end of it I am sitting here just agitated. Today was a day where I cursed and got so frustrated I could have screamed and screamed and slammed my fist into a wall. And you know why? Nothing really! Nothing earth shattering! I did not get my mental list done. And I really wanted too. And my day was just annoying, one hundred little things worth of annoying.
This morning I ran errands. I started out an hour later than I had mentally planned forgetting that I had to drop our student off an hour and a half later than normal. I spent more money than I would have liked too. I was wearing my lawn mowing clothes so I did look so very attractive! Portia looked like no one owned her. I did not get the laundry started nor the grass mowed. I was mad dashing around Costco, Walmart, and Superstore...I think all the seniors were out in full force thwarting my fast-paced efforts at every turn. I was in a hurry because I had a open house to attend at a school that we put Mercedes and Portia on a wait-list for. That meeting went 45 minutes later than it was supposed to go. Annoying! Especially since I had 2 little girls with me who were hungry and tired...oh and so was I. One kept saying in a loud voice "Mommy when are we leaving this place?" with large amounts of disdain in her tone...bet you can't guess which one! I didn't even have time to eat for the first time today until 3:30 pm. That one always messes me up!
That meeting at that school bothered me to no end. I want to like the idea of a fine arts school. Really I do! In theory, it's an amazing idea. But just walking around the school I got really really uneasy. So me agitated is never good. And I found out Mercedes 204Th on the list which puts her getting into that school at oh MAYBE grade 6! Plus the girls, who were amazingly well behaved, upon leaving said they did not like that school AT ALL! Well girls I did not either! Which that brought me to another thought...see I had been looking at that school as a solution for schooling. And with it not really being one...leaves me swimming out in an ocean of WHAT!?
Then after running more errands (and getting my children some food) I came home to see our student sitting in the middle of our driveway in his friend's brand new Porsche convertible. I don't know, today that one just rubbed me wrong. I feel like our student is slumming it with us (as he will be getting a brand new Infinity G37 convertible next month..."they are so much cheaper here!" $70K later) and I am his maid! I'm not but today that is how I chose to feel upon seeing him and his friend sitting here smoking in the Porsche. Perhaps a little jealous!
Then the girls started tag-teaming me until Shaun got home and the house was still a mess, dinner was not ready, and tomorrow is my enduring husband's birthday. I, on my mental list, had a clean house and a lovely supper when he walked in the door on the agenda. But no when Shaun walked in the door I was in tears and needing to follow through on discipline with Portia. Oh and then I finally got the laundry in and Portia (who has been having issues with accidents since her urinary tract infection but she is getting better...you wanted to know that I know :D) had left a pull-up in one of her skirts and I missed it before putting it in the laundry. So the whole load was full of falling apart pull-up.
Then at 11 pm while I am cleaning up the kitchen and unloading and then re-loading the dishwasher, my student comes out and stands right in front of me (after peeing with the bathroom door open AGAIN...must talk to him about that one!) and says "OK now I am a little bit hungry what can I eat?." (I hadn't made supper b/c he wasn't hungry at supper time and we just ate leftovers). I think the blank stare, with mouth hanging open, I gave him probably made him realize that he wasn't getting anything from me. I simply couldn't think of anything to feed him nor say to him although I should have applauded his English. So he made some ichibon and then I felt bad that he was eating soup he had bought. Oh the guilt! And now it is 12:35 a.m. so I think I will do the bills and go to bed....how relaxing! Those are a few of the highlights there were a few more humdingers but I am not inclined to type those out as I am not over them yet.
What is the point of all that? Nothing really. I might feel a teeny tiny bit better though.If you ever think a stay at home mom sits around watching soaps and eating chocolates...come to my house...I'll set you straight and put you to work on one of the 561 things that was on my mental list for that day and didn't get done!
And yet I wouldn't trade my life for anything in this world. I wouldn't trade this day with my darling daughters for anything either. God is gracious to me. He let me make a complete grump of myself. He let me ask my children's forgiveness for being grumpy and He let me hear them say that I was forgiven and then 5 minutes later hear a reminder from my youngest that I was "STILL being a grumpy mommy"! My daughters are very forgiving and patient with me. I am thankful that they are. I am thankful for the reminder from a child of what I am supposed to be.

Mercedes and her cast adventure

2009-05-05T23:05:00.000-07:00

About a month ago Mercedes was playing with her cousins and sister. I was downstairs chatting it up with my sister-in-law. We heard a BANG! and then a cry. It was Mercedes. She had been getting off of her cousin's bunk bed and slipped and landed on a toy horse (which helped break her fall and thus less damage than it would have been) and then fell to the ground landing on her left arm. Becca immediately wrapped the arm and put ice on it. We tried to figure out if it was just a bad fall, if she had sprained her wrist or arm, or if she had broken it. We gave her Children's Advil. She calmed down we went home and did the evening routine. Her arm was still hurting her but she was wiggling her fingers. So we left it until morning. She slept well not waking once.

Next morning I noticed she was really favoring her arm and not really moving it but instead holding it with her right arm so I decided it was time to go to the doctor. We went to a clinic at 8 a.m. They sent us to get x-rays. That was fun! It took the technician and I about 20 minutes to convince a screaming and hysterical Mercedes that the x-ray would not hurt her. From the x-ray lab they sent us to emerg. We sat there for quite awhile. We hadn't eaten breakfast so all 3 of us (Mercedes, Portia, and I) were very hungry and as we were not expecting to end up in emerg there was nothing to do b/c I had not brought a bag of stuff to entertain the girls. The girls were VERY good in all. I was very impressed with both of them. Portia was very patient...not her most developed attribute. Being such an active and lively girly sitting still and not touching anything is NOT her forte. BUT she did it. A doctor finally came and saw us at around 2 p.m. The verdict was a wrist fracture...an easy heal that would not affect her growth plates. It took all of 10 minutes for her to look at the x-rays and for her to put the cast on Mercedes. It was a pretty cool. It was a half cast so it stopped just before her elbow. She got to pick a colour. Of course, she picked her favorite colour green. It's was a fiberglass so it could get wet. She could bathe with it and swim with it. Wonders never cease. And it had to be on for 3 weeks.

Mercedes did really well. The cast was really itchy. But she rarely complained. She, however, was very embarrassed by the cast and did not want anyone to see her with it on. She kind of went into hiding for 3 weeks unless we forced her out. Her whole class signed it. They made a big deal of her at school over it. It did not really slow her down. She had her first climb on a climbing wall with it, went bowling for the first time, learned to do a flip on the tramp-amp-amp-oline, kept right on climbing trees, and turned 6 years old. She's a wonder that one!

2 days after her birthday on April 29th, the day her cast was to come off, I woke up to voice next to me saying with a giggle "Mommy look! I got my cast off!" Sure enough my clever girl had figured our how to get it off. She had put her arm between her feet and pushed it off with her feet. I was thankful she had not figured that out until that morning. I laughed out loud because I had been quite worried about her getting the cast off. They use a saw that is rather loud and with the freak out at the x-ray machine 3 weeks before I had not figured on a saw going over very well. So, needless to say, I was one thankful mama that there was no need for the saw.

We went in and got her arm x-rayed, sans freak-out this time! Again, the girls were AMAZING!!! I was so proud of the AGAIN! We waited an hour and a half for a five minute check. The staff at the hospital had a good laugh and said that her getting her cast off and HOW she got it off where both firsts! The other kids, who were waiting to get their casts off, looked on with envy. It was quite funny. Her wrist is healing nicely. Just no monkey bars for 10 days. You could see on the x-ray where her wrist had been fractured and where the new parts of the bone had started to grow. The human body is the most amazing creation. God did good!

How thankful we are that it was such a simple and not very inconvenient fix. How thankful we are that we have readily available medical access and care. Even though we waited a few hours...we still got help with minor disruption to our lives. And how thankful we are, that although is hurt like all get out, it could have been so very much worse.

The Very Words of God

2009-05-05T09:04:00.000-07:00

In New Testament times in the Greek area of the world there was a temple in a place called Delphi. This was considered the centre of worship for Apollo, son of Zeus (http://www.greecetaxi.gr/index/delphi_oracle.html).There was an inner temple that had an oracle who lived inside. People would come from far and wide to hear what the oracle would say so they would know how to go about their lives. It was usually an old woman who would sit on a suspended tripod all day above a pit that had vapors rising up from it. Essentially she was high on vapors that contained something similar to the chemicals in glue. The priest would come to her and ask her the questions that the people had asked and she would answer. He would put it to poetry and go and announce it to the waiting people. They could wait for days and even weeks for the answers to their life questions.

Ray Van der Laan says this:

"What on earth has happened to us? Do you understand that the oracles of God, not the utterings of a woman high on something, the oracles of the creator of Heaven and Earth, have been given to you! You have them! All of them! The very words of God, you carry them around in your pack! No sheep liver. No washing. They are all yours!"

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T7noqtXPrXE There is more to this teaching. It is very well done and on sight in Turkey.)

the very Words of God!

Hebrews 4:12

For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.

John 1:1-18
The Word Became Flesh

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
There was a man sent from God, whose name was John. 7He came as a witness, to bear witness about the light, that all might believe through him. He was not the light, but came to bear witness about the light.
The true light, which enlightens everyone, was coming into the world. 10He was in the world, and the world was made through him, yet the world did not know him. 11He came to his own, and his own people did not receive him. But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God, 13who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God.
And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth. (John bore witness about him, and cried out, "This was he of whom I said, 'He who comes after me ranks before me, because he was before me.'") And from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. No one has ever seen God; the only God, who is at the Father’s side, he has made him known."

and at the end of time talking about Jesus...

Revelation 19:13 (New International Version)
"He is dressed in a robe dipped in blood, and his name is the Word of God."

The funniest conversation with a customs officer

2009-05-04T14:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I received a call from a Canadian Customs Officer. It went something like this:

O(fficer): Hi this is Officer so and so from Canadian Immigration. May I please speak to Shaun or Tama Hooff

M(e): Huth....yes this is Tama. How may I help you?

O: I have a young man here from China who says he is coming to stay with you. Can you please tell me his name?

M: Ummmmm (laughing a bit) actually no I can't. They did not tell me his name.

O: OK can you tell me the date that he is leaving?

M: Uh no I can't. I really have no idea. All that I know is that he is slated to stay with us for the summer but I do not have any dates.

O: ummmm....when did you find out he was going to come and stay with you?

M: oh I don't know we do this you know. We have students live with us. I don't think I knew it was him specifically until a week or so ago.

O: Well do you know what the name of the school is that he will be attending?

M: Uh I think so it's the ESLI program at _____"

O: OK (he has a smile in his voice now but he didn't laugh...I however was laughing the whole time) well how much is he paying you a month to stay there?

M: Well...uh...ummm no actually. I really don't know the exact amount. It's between ___ and ___ it depends on if I drive him.

O: Well can you tell me your address?

M: Oh YEAH! It's _______

O: (with a bit of relief that I could answer one question straight) OK great.

M: (jumping in) ummmmm...now can I ask YOU a question?

O: oh yeah sure.

M: WHAT IS HIS NAME?!

O: Oh it's _____________

M: well did he give you a Canadian name that he will be using while here?

O: oh no he didn't....

M: Oh well OK. Thank you. Is that all?

O: well yeah I guess.

M: ok goodbye then

O: bye

I have to say it was pretty funny. I was giggling for awhile after. I mean, one always wants to answer an immigration officer with thorough concise answers. HA!

I See Him in Everything

2009-05-04T13:19:00.000-07:00

I know that is not politically correct but it's true. Lately, well actually ALWAYS, God has been gracious to me in the little things. I have been trying to practice praying about situations and giving them into His hands instead of trying to bear burdens on my own and FREAKING out when I fail miserably in my burden bearing. These are things that are never mentioned to a living soul just stewing around in my mind. Let me give you some examples:

~Yesterday we welcomed into our home another young man straight off the plane from China. He is jet-lagged and exhausted. Before he came I just sat down and prayed that through his stay in our home he would see God. I prayed for wisdom in my dealings with him. I prayed that with the language barrier we would both have patience and not get frustrated and I prayed for many other little things. The first answer to my prayers was the moment he arrived. Not only did he arrive but a friend of his who is from his home town and has been in Vancouver for 6 months showed up as well. So the little explanations of how the house works etc. were SO EASY because his friend could translate! I was SO thankful. Now this may seem small to you...but let me tell you it saved us and him a lot of time. Another simple thing...he actually speaks enough English to make it workable to explain things to him about things like breakfast this morning. Our last Chinese guy has not one speck of English so asking him what he wanted for breakfast was a chore. Not only does he speak enough English he is very kind. There is also a sweetness about him that is refreshing. When you have someone come and live with you there is always a question. What will he be like? Will he be OK to have in our home and be around the girls? Being raised in such a different culture and mindset how will this work? It works. People are people where ever they are as Dr. Suez says.

~Last Thursday Mercedes was slated to get her cast off. I was concerned about this because they use a little saw and she would have FREAKED and not done well with that. So I just prayed. And Thursday morning she came into my room and said ," Look mom I took off my cast!" I laughed and laughed. Not only was it REALLY funny because of how she did it but it saved us getting the cast sawn off (she put her arm between her feet and pushed it off with her feet).

~The last little while I have been looking at scarves thinking that I would like some to wear. I don't know why really but I did. I did not have any. I had been looking at the ones from the middle east and the silk ones. I did not mention this to anyone it was just a thought I had. Well for my birthday Shaun's parents gave me a scarf from Israel that his dad brought back from one of his trips there. Then yesterday our new student arrived bearing gifts. And wouldn't you know that his home town is known for their silk...he brought us SO MUCH silk. There were among the gifts (from his mother) 4 beautiful 100% silk scarves. I layed them out of my bed and just looked at them and thanked God that He cared enough about the tiny unnecessary things in my mind to not only have them given to me but brought from the far reaches of the earth straight into my hands. It was a little "I love you" note from God to me.

These are a very few examples of late. They have been a balm to my soul. They speak to me abundantly about the character and grace of my King of Kings, about the God of the Angel armies and I find great solice and hope in that.

Psalm 3:3 (New International Version)
"But you are a shield around me, O LORD; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head."

Psalm 68:19 (New International Version)
19 Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens.

Matthew 6:25-29 (The Message Translation)

"If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.
Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them."

SPRING!

2009-04-30T10:45:00.000-07:00

How He Loves Us - Kim Walker / Jesus Culture

2009-03-27T10:54:00.001-07:00

This song has been running around my head for the last several days. I wanted to share it with you!

Humbled

2009-03-26T07:19:00.000-07:00

Well God has spoken and I must listen! Yesterday Portia had a complete meltdown after skinning her knee. It was ridiculous! I realize that hurts. I also know my daughter. She is one tough cookie. She doesn't wail FOREVER about these sort of things. But yesterday (my birthday) I took the girls swimming. Everything was going well until 5 seconds after we got out of the car Portia was running and fell. And then she set to wailing, and wailing, and wailing...I really should have just gone home but I did not want to disappoint M. So we proceeded. It was a gong show needless to say. I won't bore you with the details but it made me realize several things. It was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.
Since we moved at the end of last August I have been sick quite a bit (like ulcers and such), likely a little depressed, feeling displaced, etc. I have not done well with this move. I allowed my self to slack off in the area of my parenting. And now I am reaping the harvest of the seeds I have sown over the last 7ish months. It shows mostly in Portia but you can see it in M as well in more subtle shades. I have been at my wit's end with my baby girl and that's the truth of it.
I realized yesterday that while Portia was wailing away my desire was for her to behave "the right way" in the situation as she was embarrassing me by being "that child" instead of wanting to understand her and her needs and using it as an opportunity...I became "that mother". Now while she did need to stop wailing I needed to be her mother. Anyway, this situation is much more complex than I have time to explain here so I don't think you will get the whole picture accurately.
Needless to say that situation was my swift kick on the backside to spurr me on to once again pursue Godly parenting which I have neglected since moving...with many "good" excuses. I woke up this morning and was praying for wisdom for today. I was praying that God would give me the grace to encourage my children and to love them as He wanted me to love them today. That in times of conflict He would show me the path to pursue...that He would help me to control my irritation and anger. I am weary so I prayed for renewed strength and joy, but most of all grace. While I was praying God reminded me of a little book that has been sitting on my shelf the last 3 years. I have read part of it and then put it down for other more interesting reads. This book is called "Shepherding Your Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp. So I dusted it off and started reading. And as I read I repented of my many many sins towards my children these past months. Don't get me wrong I am not talking about abuse here I am talking about not engaging them, having a high level of annoyance, and the list goes on but it is still sin none the less. They are precious precious girls and such a gift.
So, if you are inclined, pray for me as I once again pursue this. I pursued it quite passionately until we moved. It is something that is deeply important to Shaun and I. Shaun is an amazing father. He excels at this role. But he is also at work all day and so the majority of the parenting falls on me...as it should for a stay at home mom.
Over the next little while I will write down what I learn on here. Perhaps it might help you too. This role of shepherding a child's heart is quite complex. I am indeed thankful that I have the ultimate source of wisdom to draw from.
So today that source of wisdom said this to me:
"My brother (or sister in this case) take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's (or woman's) anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires." James 1:19-20
AND
"The purposes of a man's (or child's) heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out." Proverbs 20:5

Shiny Happy People

2009-03-23T08:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Shaun and I went back to the church that we went too when we were engaged and first married. We loved it ten years ago and I think in the back of our mind we kind of wish we had never left. I am not sure why we didn't go there in the first place when we first moved back to this area. But hey! ANYWAY! I digress.

On Sunday mornings the church service is filled with the "shiny people". You know, the ones like you and me who are educated. Have a lot of the rough edges taken off. Our emotions are very "proper". We clap at the right time and sing on key. We are very polite. Our children know how to behave in a church service. And we are dressed to the nines. We look GOOD people! We don't get too exuberant. We love Jesus because it's logically the right thing to do OR perhaps we saw that life was empty without Him. We call on God when we need Him but other than that life is going pretty well thank you very much! I am not being cynical here. I is one of this group. So I get it. I am making a comparison so just bear with me.

Now on Sunday nights at this church there is a service called "Fire and Freedom". It's been going on since before we first went there almost 11 years ago...I think it was just getting going though. Well we went the last 2 Sunday nights. And let me tell you about this crowd (and it is indeed a crowd) that shows up to this church service. This is a much rougher crowd. There is a distinct smell of drugs, not just cigarettes. They aren't dressed quite like the morning group. Their children run wild and are absolutely fascinated (to the point of almost getting on stage before they get grabbed by a parent at the last moment) by the musicians. They are much rougher around the edges. There are tatties everywhere...not that I mind tatties but these aren't the nice pretty ones these are the ones with skulls and blood...the wilder versions.

On a side note, have you ever noticed that the it's these ones that are the most charismatic in personality? It is these that are the best looking...now is a rough sort of way? At our last church we had a drug and alcohol rehabilitation place and these boys would come by van to the 11 o'clock service. They would sit in the front rows and sing and praise their hearts out to Jesus. They were the ones that I most looked forward to seeing when I helped to lead worship. They did not look bored...they looked thankful and expectant AND EXCITED to be there! I always had the same feeling upon watching them that God had a powerful plan for their lives and Satan knew it. He had thwarted them and God with every trick he had up his sleeve to "kill steal and destroy"them. But God...BUT GOD! I love those 2 words put together! That says it all! BUT GOD! My life was headed for destruction BUT GOD...

Now, back to last nights service...let me tell you about their worship style because this is what caught Shaun and I the most and made us think. There is a vibrating air of expectancy. They sing with all that is within them, on key or off. There is a wild passionate power. They scream and dance and shout out to God. You get the feeling, just by being in the room, that these are the ones that Jesus loves the best. They know that from which they have been saved. They have been in the arms of Hell. They have been in the darkest places and seen the the true side, the ugly death-giving side of sin to it's fullest degree. And now they have been brought into LIFE! And they cannot possibly contain themselves. It just seemed more real like they have grasped the gift that was given to them. They understand grace.

You know, as Shaun and I were walking to our car we were talking about this. The truth of the matter, when we accept Jesus as out Lord and Saviour, is that we too were saved from the same death-giving life. The same sin-infested grotesqueness. It was just in a prettier package. For us the transformation wasn't as visibly juxtapose. So we go on being happy plastic people.

The song that Casting Crowns did "Stained Glass Masquerade" (that played on the song by R.E.M "Shiny Happy People") keeps coming to mind...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aRUJrjUGGfg

"My Eyes Are Soooooo Silly Mommy"

2009-03-19T09:38:00.000-07:00

2 days ago the girls and I were running errands and we were about 10 minutes away from being done. I didn't want Portia falling asleep in the car as we were headed home and I was looking forward to a quite time while the girlies napped (yes they do still nap...for my sake more than theirs I must admit). So when I looked into my rear view mirror and saw her beautiful blue eyes closed I started making a lot of noise and calling her name so she would wake up. Then a little voice from the closed-eyes face piped up "Mommy I have been trying and TRYING to keep my eyes open. But they won't listen to me. They just keep closing (her eyes are now trying to open without much success). My eyes are SOOOOO silly Mommy!"

That's my Portia!

A beautiful blue sky day...

2009-03-10T23:27:00.001-07:00

It was one of those days too...I just posted a blog on another part of this "those" day. Here is the other part. It was beautiful day...in more ways than one!
1) On Tuesdays I drive A LOT....It was a clear crisp blue sky day. When the sun shines my world always brightens no matter what. It also helps that I live in God's neck of the woods...have you been here? It's gorgeous! I could see Mt. Baker with fresh snow all the way to Golden Ears (also with a smattering of fresh snow) and on around to the North Shore Mountains...what a breath-takingly stunning view...and all of this was set against the clearest bluest sky in sharp contrast! As I said Gorgeous! It has the ability to take your breath away. Creation screams of God and today it was screaming so that no one could ignore it.
2) We are all well on our way to being human again. It has been a long cabin fever filled haul. We have been sick for way too long. And I felt maaaaaarvelous today!
3) I got a new crock pot today! Yipee! I am pretty excited about it! I have needed a bigger one since we are feeding more people on a daily basis.
4) As we were driving home the moon was just coming up...it was a full moon and it looked like a harvest moon. It was HUGE just coming over the horizon.

...I enjoyed my our children and niece and nephew today. I enjoyed my sister-in-law. I enjoyed life today. All the little things that make life LIFE.

Yep it was one of "those" days! And I am thankful!

P.S. I did not take these pictures. I found them on the web.

My Portia and her button pushing limit bending day

2009-03-10T22:04:00.000-07:00

So today has been one of those days. I know you moms know what I mean. One of "those" days that left me gaping at my 3 year old and then threatening to take her completely out of gymnastics and then watch her cousin do the gymnastics for an hour each week until June if she EVER behaved that way again...not my shining moment either!...yeah one of THOSE days. She pushed every button and limit today. She was in fine form. Mischief personified.

Now usually my Portia is a rather charmingly precocious child. She is still required to be sweet and obey...no exceptions. Today it didn't matter. I will give you 2 examples that happened in an hour's time...and the day, as you know, is so much longer than an hour.

She had gymnastics today and truly I wish that I had made a video of her a couple of times. While we were waiting for class to start she was chasing her cousin and sister around and fell and skinned her knee...now Portia is my second born. She is VERY tough. Not much makes her cry. She can hurt herself in ways that would send my first born to emerge and she will get up and keep going.AND she is, by nature, VERY independent. So "I can do it myself (with great emphasis on myself)" is a common sentence from her. Well today that skinned knee got the better of her. She would not walk on her leg because she needed a band-aid. And boy did she howl. and howl and howl and HOWL! So we got her a band-aid and some polysporon. Do you think that did the trick? NO in fact I think she set to howling even more. She wanted me to carry her everywhere...to throw away her tissue, to go to the bathroom, to get a drink...remember we are still waiting for class to start with everyone looking on at the show. And then she did not want to go into class. I finally convinced her to go in and she went and sat on a mat in the very middle of the class and just sat and watched for a good while. And then she decided it was time to RUUUUUUUUUUN!

She is generally in her own world anyway but today she really was in her own world. And the rest of the time while her whole class, including her cousin, where going through the routine she was running like a banshee around the ENTIRE gym...let me make that clear...the ENTIRE gym. She would come bang on the window and wave exuberantly at me before taking off again at a gleeful gallop around and around. And then it would be my turn to tap with authority on the window to try and get her attention to go "listen and obey". Oye Vay! Not sure why I bothered. She was "that" child today. The teachers would glance at her every once in awhile and gently call her over to participate in class. She must have known they were not going to require her to participate because for all the attention she paid them they might as well have not been there. I guess she is feeling better. It's been a long while since she has felt like running so it is good to see her with so much energy. A lady sitting next to me leaned over and asked how old she was (she is 3 but she is in the 4-5 year old class b/c she will soon be 4). Her son, who was doing a make-up class is also 3 it turns out and she said in his class they all act like Portia was acting today. That was a small comfort...very VERY small.

I told my mom that latter story tonight on the phone and she thought it was "so cute" as a grandma has a prerogative to think. And she had a good laugh. But me, the mother who is trying so hard to raise her to be a wonderful citizen of this world, did not think it was cute (well...maybe now I do...just a little...I have been giggling recalling it but at the time...) and in fact I wanted to sink through the floor while throttling her. But of course I would never do that! The day went on from there to hitting and pinching and whining, and crying, and more whining.

But you know...I am sitting here, as I type, thinking that, in all, I am thankful that she has her spunk back. I missed it while she was sick this past while. I am thankful that she is a healthy beautiful child and that she is my child. I am thankful that God lent her to me. I am thankful that I am the one that she calls "mama". She is a such a sweet, funny, cuddly, and joyful child. She is my little joy bubble. As her name means so she is. She is a gift...to all who meet her but most especially to me. She is so very full of life. And as for the days that try my sanity levels...well, as a friend reminded me not too long ago, the days are long, when they are this young, but the years are so very short.

The explanation...

2009-02-01T09:20:00.000-08:00

I just did a "25 Random Things About Me" thing that is going around on Facebook. One of the things I put was "I hate girl's nights. I would rather spend time with my husband." I have gotten some ribbing about that. Women do not like that it seems. Let me clarify...and I may just rant a little.
I really enjoy nights out with some of my girl friends...more one on one nights out as opposed to a whole group thing. I rarely do it b/c I would rather spend time with my husband. But there are more reasons why I hate girl's nights. I dislike the general way the conversations go in regard to how they don't like this or that about their husbands. It really bothers me. I have been in situations where it happens often. It always turns my stomach. It seems to be the rule rather than the exception. I believe that we as women have that ability to honor our husbands in those settings by speaking well of them instead of tearing them down. Even when he does not "deserve" it. Really ladies it only makes us look bad not the men we are talking about. So go by the old rule in the case of husbands, "if ya don't have anything nice to say...don't say it at all".
Another thing that I do not like about "girl's nights" is the mundane conversations. I mean I get the first 20 minutes, or even 45 minutes, being about clothes and shoes...don't get me wrong I like these things just as much as the next girl. But when all a girl has got to talk about is counting calories and shopping trips things get boring pretty fast. I often sit and think..."I am taking precious time away from my husband and kids because ???????"
There are so many things in our world to talk about...so many interesting things! When I get together with old girl friends we have so much fun. I love THOSE "girl's nights"...although they generally happen in the middle of the day between taking care of a plethora of children....so technically they are not girl's nights I guess. But that is what life is and it's the spice of life to me.
Here's another thing... I enjoy the way things go down when my husband is around. He is SUPER funny. He's the life of any party. Where ever he is there is laughter. I miss him when he's not there to add to a conversation. I miss him when I go to a new place or hear someone speak and he's not there. I want to experience these things WITH him not with girls...that's why I married him...to do life together. I love sitting back in a group of people and watch him work the room. I love being by his side when he's doing it. He's my better half...why would I want to do stuff without my better half? I would rather be with my husband than with anyone else...that's the truth of the matter. I like you and all...:) I also like mixed groups better than just girls...always have and likely always will. It's so much more interesting!
I find the church the worst culprit for this...separating husbands and wives for events. Shaun and I have had many conversations about this. It's "good" for us to do things separately they say! REALLY!?! I'd like to know where in scripture we got that concept. Yes I know I am pushing buttons here b/c this is the popular thing at the moment. But honestly, more than anything I find it offensive. Life is busy enough and separating us enough without that added on top.
I get the whole valuing my friendships with my girl friends. And I do. I'll do a spa date or coffee any day girls. And the odd time I might even go for dinner and a movie without him. But please don't ask me to go away for the weekend with just the girls...I won't do it. And please don't be offended...I just like my husband better than I like you..no matter how wonderful you are :). It's just I've found that the best things in life ALWAYS INCLUDE MY HUSBAND!

Live Loved

2009-01-12T13:47:00.000-08:00

“Live Loved” that is my phrase for this year. My mom said that to me a month or so ago. She had run across it somewhere…and it has really stuck with me. For me, there is so much meaning packed into those two words.
This last summer I saw Colin Powell at The Leadership Summit done by Willow Creek. Colin Powell has something he calls “Powell Principles” In fact he has a book that came out in the not too distant past called, The Powell Principles: 24 Lessons from Colin Powell, a Legendary Leader. I was fascinated by this thought. Making simple statements that remind me quickly of what I believe. So I have been thinking about coming up with little sayings for my life that remind me in a simple statement but are packed with meaning. Here is one of them, “live loved”.

So what does that mean to me? Well so far… so far it reminds me of whom I am. It reminds me of He who loved me first. It reminds me that if I truly believe that no matter what I do as a child of God I am loved and forgiven. Not to use that as an excuse but to be able to move forward after failing with confidence and in His strength. I am not so self-conscious nor am I so hesitant. I assume people like me instead of assuming they don’t. I am not so apologetic just for being me. In short, it gives me the confidence to become who God created me to be without apology...without all the junk cluttering my way and dragging me down.
I saw this on a friend's blog and it sums this side of this little saying up for me"

I don't want to get to the end of my life
and find that I lived just the length of it.
I want to have lived the width of it as well.

- Diane Acherman-

On the flip side…this allows me to love others.

1 John 4:10 “This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for (or as the one who would turn aside his wrath, taking away) our sins.”

See you on the flip side!

"Morning Pages"

2008-11-21T10:04:00.000-08:00

Lately I have been trying something out again. When I was younger I would keep a notepad by my bedside with a pen and at night when my mind would be buzzing I would jot the thoughts down that were flying through my head. I found that it allowed my brain to slow down, take the anxiety out of my head, and allowed me to drift off to sleep. For some reason I stopped doing this when I got married. I journaled every once in awhile but always with the thought that "someone might read this" so I didn't really write down my deepest thoughts for fear of hurting someone or of my thoughts not being safe with them. I have found that I am much more anxious and agitated and wasn't certain why.

This past weekend I was reminded about this practice of writing things down...a book called "The Artist's Way" recommends it. So for the past week now I have been getting up before the girlies are awake and sitting down with a pen and paper and writing down whatever floats across my thoughts. Some meaningless things have been written, a song lyric, but more often than naught the things in my soul that are troubling me...and trust me there are many as my mind NEVER stops...come up to the surface and I write them down and then usually I want to know what the Bible has to say about those thoughts and so I will find myself in a great Bible study. But the thing that I have found the most fascinating about this whole process is that I am simply writing these things down on paper that have been stirring around in my soul...perhaps brooding in my soul, for awhile and that act of writing it out somehow releases it from my inner self. My mind becomes uncluttered from all of the mundane and stupid things that clog it up. I am then able to focus on the things of my day with much more ease. I also find that still small voice of God is much easier to hear. It's been rather remarkable, really, how simple it is. Another advantage that I think my darling husband may be grateful for is that I do not need to process out loud as often or talk about "stuff" as much because I do that on paper. It also seems to free me from the grimmer side of my personality. I can laugh more. I do not store all those hurtful, pain filled emotions in my heart. I write them out, process them, and then come to a new happier conclusion (usually), and go on my way with joy. Really it's refreshing being inside my head space now. I am thankful to have once again discovered this exercise.

So if you ever come across my "morning pages" don't read it. It wouldn't be worth your time...but it was sure worth mine!

10 Years

2008-10-03T22:39:00.001-07:00

We were so in love on our wedding day. We promised to love each other for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, 'til death do us part. We were so young. I was only 21. He was just 22. Everyone advised us to wait to get married...we were too young they thought. We should have more life experience. But we knew better. We knew that come what may we wanted to face it together...to grow up together. So on September 26, 1998 we became husband and wife. And you know we are more in love with each other now than on that beautiful fall day.

The last 10 years have grown us up. The last 10 years have made time tested lovers out of us, we've become parents of 2 beautiful children, we've become business partners, we've withstood through sickness, more moves than one can count on both hands, the internal and external flaws that the hands of time reveal...the list goes on and on.

I love that in my mate I see so much mystery and yet I see some much that is familiar and home. It's the perfect mix to keep me fascinated. He is the best father that I have ever seen. He is the best husband a girl could ever have. His love for God is an ever increasing fire. He not only says he values his family he shows that he values his family. He works so hard to provide for us. He has stayed true to his vows of marriage. He is so creative and FUNNY! He brings so much joy and laughter into our house. I am so thankful for my mate for life. He is my other half. And yes he does complete me...cheesy but oh so true.

I look forward to the next decade and the one after that and the one after that...as many as God gives us. I so love every day with my husband. He has brought me the gift of joy and the gift of love every day that I have known him...all 4460 of them.

Thank you DC. Words are inadequate for how blessed I am to be your wife.

Run The Race...

2008-08-20T11:19:00.001-07:00

As with many of you, I have been inspired by the Olympians. But one of the sports really got me thinking. The marathon (both men's and woman's) and the triathlon (again...both men's and women's). It brought to mind the following verses in the Bible.

1 Corinthians 9:23-25:

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever.

Hebrews 12:1-3 (New International Version)

1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Hebrews 12:1-3 (The Message)

Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we'd better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!

Watching the runners also made me realize something else...by the end of the race they had given their all. Not only in the race itself but in their discipline, their lifestyle...every part of their lives have been dedicated to this one moment. Those Olympians has poured themselves out. For some reason I had thought of the race that we as Christians run as something we will finish refreshed. As I looked at those runners struggling to put one foot in front of the other...completely spent....the thought hit me that this is how we are meant to live out lives here on earth. The apostle Paul states it best when he was saying goodbye to Timothy...

2 Timothy 4:5-7 (New International Version)

"But you, keep your head in all situations, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, discharge all the duties of your ministry. For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."

That's how I want to be when I arrive at heaven's gate...I want to have run the race for the prize not at a slow sight seeing saunter. I want to have used all the currency that God has given me...all my heart, soul, mind, and strength.